More on Him… Less on my sanity.

Dear Universe,

When I’m tossing and turning in bed at night I write the most fabulous posts.. in my head.

And then when I find the time to sit down with the keyboard I get this.. nothing.

Words just jumbled in my brain, all trying to escape at once and everyone trying to communicate with someone else. And it fucking sucks. How can I write when I can’t find one thing to stick to? It’s exhausting.

Almost as exhausting as no sleep.

Almost.

I am trying my hardest to avoid the topic of Him. But if I want to get my crazy out, here is where it should happen.

Maybe someday I will open up about more of my life here than just my broken, tender heart but that just gets too deep into the rabbit hole.

And I’m so broken without Him…

We didn’t stick to our words.

Promises were broken and love was abundant.

I came alive in His arms, and mouth.

I needed to be reminded that I hadn’t made our story and connection up.

He is real.

Our love is undeniable.

Connecting is immediate, still.

I’ll never be done loving him.

We could live a thousand lifetimes, I will find him.

I have to.

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last 3 years.

Not to diminish what I felt before, because at the time I had never experienced what I have now, and those were the strongest I’d felt at the time.

But now…

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my throat turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet.

I could, and did, lie in his arms for hours, not saying a word, while at the same time the two of us couldn’t have been more in sync with another being if we tried.

Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary, and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best, and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone else.

I actually thought I had found the 1 soul who would or could, never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms, sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing.

But most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together…. there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who He says mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooked up with for months? (Probably not, because in His defense I am living with the Baby Daddy still.. *Reminder* this is a judgement free zone here!)

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again, SO we really shouldn’t fuck it up (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. I have played that role. I could win awards for that role!

Yet here I am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore..

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

I just wish my heart & soul did too…

I’m not afraid… I’m terrified, and for good reason.

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I’ve made very poor decisions where you’re concerned lately and I’m paying the price.

I was weak and stupid to fall for your games again.

But I have spent so many sleepless nights without you that it was so so so so very easy to fall into the fakeness of US, too fucking easy.

I thought it was going okay at first, I was able to maintain as long as we kept everything in the present, here today right this second. If you started talking about missing US or what we used to be I had to shut it down immediately, there was no way I could handle that, but as long as we focused only on the right now I was okay (and I usually the term okay loosely).

But then after a few days of okay I slipped easily back into our old ways, your whispers were too easy to fall into, you knew exactly the right things with your late night flirting and phone calls. You answered when I called you for the first time in over a year. You sent funny sexy messages throughout the day.

And then at the worst possible time you dropped it….

You called me by her name, ‘$&#!@ (insert fucking your new love’s name here) come home to me, come home to me…’ and my whole fucking world shattered, the tiny pieces of hope that remained for our love disappeared in a flash, like a a nuclear war bomb was dropped and incinerated everything US that had survived the first terrible attack on US. Gone.

The breath and life was sucked from me the instant the words slipped from your mouth.

Time stopped.

My heart stopped.

But the words coming from your mouth didn’t stop.

I’ve been numb since.

I don’t know how to stop the words from playing over and over in my head. I can’t stop the words you whispered from screaming over and over.Your frantic pleas to her, completely lost in the lust that you have for her not even realizing that I existed let alone that I was the person with you NOT HER!!

I know now there is no way anyone could ever hurt me anymore than I am now. I find an odd comfort knowing that I can’t be anymore broken, no one can hurt me now because there is absolutely nothing left of me.

You took everything from me.

You have left me with nothing.

Well nothing but the truth that I was never what you wanted; that I was never going to be your forever.

And that hurt will last my lifetime.

A lifetime of nights didn’t seem like enough with you… now I’m begging for just one more.

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I hate nights. I hate being alone without the distractions. I hate not being able to choke back the tears. I hate thinking that I have a lifetime of nights without you to go. A whole fucking lifetime.

Are you kidding me?

I’ve hardly made it through a weekend. I can barely make it through a day…

What kind of life is that?

I thought I had a lifetime left of nights with you.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up searching for someone who’s never going to be there again…

A whole fucking lifetime to go…