I won’t hesitate no more, no more, It can NOT wait… I’m Yours.

I miss you. This song brings a smile to my face. I have always loved the song but this version is AMAZING. And of course anything amazing reminds me of US (:

I hope Little Man is whipping ya into shape and showing you who’s BOSS. I love you.

I’m yours…

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

Let’s face it… You my dear, are a dirty little secret…

My oh my where do I start tonight? I am, of course, all over the place. You have spent the past few days since, what shall we call it…the Event I guess, oooh, oh so creative I am these days, anywhoo you have spent the last few days since the Event making sure I know that you are so happy with the way things are so far. You message me in the morning, you call me throughout the day, you text me goodnight and I wish you were here’s, you make sure to send me a quick this reminded me of you text and I love it, I love all of it! But I am still in the dark, complete fucking blackness, I’m talking not even a sliver of fucking light in here, about the scenes and conversations that led up to and surrounded said Event. Nothing. It’s like what happened was just another day in the life, no big deal, not life changing at all for you.

That concerns me. Why is that? Why, no HOW could Event take place and yet you are as chipper as a fucking candy striper down at the old folk’s home? I don’t get it? I am a wreck over it. I can’t sleep at night. I can’t eat. I cry thinking about Little Man and how he is taking all of this. But you, you are just living the life. Solo. No worries it seems. Which kind of fucking pisses me off actually. If you are really taking all of this so nonchalantly I want to know why. How could you have no hurt feelings over this? I mean part of me wants you to be hurting for the changes to your ‘family’ from this because I am. I am hurting for you all right now. So I am hoping wishing, that you are just trying to be strong for me and not let me see the hurt that you are feeling because you are just not yet that comfortable with US yet. You are not ready for me to see you so vulnerable.

I am also feeling a bit bitchy about the way things are when we have conversations and others are around. I think I want to touch on this topic for a wee bit if you don’t mind. Let me just say this now, I would MUCH rather you NOT talk to me when others are around if you feel like you have to treat me like one of your ‘dudes’. I am NOT your dude! I never will be, if you want to start treating me like ‘one of the boys’ then I will in return stop treating you the way a woman would treat her man no matter if we are in a packed auditorium or soul survivors of the universe. I am not just some random buddy that is calling to check on your fantasy football! It’s me, your everything remember! So do you think you could at least do me the common courtesy to NOT answer your phone if you have to treat me like a normal every day common Joe instead of someone you might try to show a little fucking emotion with! I really think it’s rude to have to just be like, ‘Howdy, I’m just about to eat, Oookay, well, uhh… bye then.’ Followed by a mushy gushy I love you so much baby, sunshine of my life text. Seriously!?! Just fucking hit IGNORE next time. I mean, I get it, I know WHY things are the way they are for now but please don’t make me feel like nothing. I think I at least deserve that. I at least deserve to be treated like someone worthy of your time and emotion when we interact and not just your dirty little secret. If you aren’t able to be ‘normal’ then I understand, it’s not a good time, you are busy, something is going on, I get it, just don’t answer and treat me like nobody. Okay sorry, I am being ridiculous here.

I don’t know maybe I am just reading too much into this and the feelings you did or did not have were as you said and that is why this is so ‘easy’ for you. Perhaps it feels right for you. You seem like you can take full breaths now. You have a sort of ‘chipperness’ to you now when we talk. That makes me a little less sad, it makes me smile that you are able to feel that free-ness, that you are able to sound ALIVE again. I missed that in you. You were so alive in the beginning. So full of laughs and life. I used to love to just sit back and listen to you and Little Man play; I loved his demanding little, ‘Iron Man daddy, Iron Man!!!!’ Your muffled speech through the helmet makes me smile just thinking about it (: The laughs and chuckles were priceless. I hope you get to share these moments often. I know how much he means to you. I hope you don’t lose the closeness you two share, in all of this.   

I wish you would open up to me. Let me in to whatever is going on inside of your head right now. I don’t want you to be afraid of hurting me. I am stronger than you think or I believe. I can’t take it. Don’t let my tears fool you. I cry but it doesn’t mean that I am weak! Crying makes me stronger. Crying lets me know that I will be okay. The tears that fall just encourage me more; ignite the flame that burns inside. I am fully aware that maybe you ought to find YOU in this process. And I am okay if by finding YOU, you need to let go of me. It’s what is most important in all of this. If after everything that has happened you don’t end up finding you then you should have just stayed where you were.

I am being an oversensitive bitch right now but hey, you know this about me, I never hid it from you (: I am a high maintenance, overly sensitive, class 5 clinging, bossy, nosey, LOUD, bitchy SUPER CRIER that demands to be treated like a Queen (: You know all of this and still say you love me. You’re either a keeper or a myth, think I’m gonna try to keep ya…

I will get off of my soapbox now. I am done telling you how to deal with what I consider to be, your problems, while I do NOTHING to deal with my own demons (: I am much better at telling others what I think (: it’s what I do…

I am going to say goodnight now my Moon. I miss you. I miss my nights being filled with you, with US. I miss just laying and breathing and loving.

Rawr………

Swirling, twirling, thoughts and sleepless nights… again.

I got your text messages tonight. I have mixed feelings about them. I know that it was gracious of you to even take time out of what you are doing to message me and I want to thank you for that. Now, that being said, do you think you could have given me SOME kind of info on the events of the weekend? Something, anything!?! I got 3 texts from you. Two I Miss yous and an I love you. Ummm… thanks. I guess. I know that I am being an ungrateful bitch but sorry I would like to know something. I mean you would think that a grown ass man would be able to find 4 minutes to call the ‘Woman they love with their everything’ and give her some kind of info on what happened, and most importantly how are you? Are you okay? How is Little Man? I have been thinking of him all weekend.

I am so sad I haven’t been out of bed much other than to snuggle with the baby. Oh, the baby. I almost forgot I got to snuggle him tonight. He came over and spent some much needed snuggle time with me. I am so happy; it got me through the night. I was able to kiss & hug, tickle & play, and get him to do his adorable baby giggle. He made me forget how sad my soul was. Thanks baby DD-bug you brighten my day always.

I am sure when I do talk to you again you will be full of explanations. You will have a story about how you had to do this, or that, or blah fuckity, blah, blah, blah. Or maybe, you will just say what you did last time and say, ‘yea, I could have got a hold of you, I am sorry, I should, I am sorry baby.’ But will I except this time? That is the question.

My sadness is turning this ugly again. I am sorry. I do believe. I do miss you. I do hope that whatever happened you feel like it was what was right for you and Little Man. I am sorry that I am so needy. I am sorry I am a class 5 clinger. I am sorry that the monsters take over sometimes. I am sorry that I am too weak when you are gone for too long. I am sorry that I have been a wreck these past few days. I am so sorry for all of my fear, my doubts.

I am sure that this weekend’s events, whatever happened, were not pleasant for you in most ways. I am sure you are feeling very liberated in others. I hope you find yourself in all of this. I hope you are happy and at peace.

I miss you my Moon. Rawr…

Around, around, around, we go. Where we stop, NO one knows…

 

Big things are SUPPOSED to be happening this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this. I am on one hand so excited. I am actually trying to talk myself down a bit. I am bit giddy with excitement, I can feel it there buried under all of the anxiety and sadness I have. If things go the way as planned this weekend, well, that means big huge things for US. But that also means big huge changes for you and Little Man. I am most saddened by that. I feel more all over the place than ever right now. I am happy that things are changing; I am saddened that things are changing, and I am nervous that things are changing.

Will the events of this weekend really take place? I have my doubts. Some of them are valid, reasonable, doubts (at least to me). Some of them are just what the monsters and ghosts in my head have conjured up. I know that some of them stem from the fact that I have no real knowledge of what your daily ‘life’ is really like. I am so doubtful that the conversations that do or don’t take place really DO or DON’T happen. I know that is horrible, terrible, down right despicable, but can you blame me? I have nothing but let downs and tears to go off of. That has been what my past experiences have been.

I am such a skeptic. I am so glass half empty kind of girl, I wasn’t always this way you know. I used to live life wild and free, then MJ died and so did that part of me. Now, I prefer to KNOW that the bad is coming, instead of being the doe eyed dummy, that gets ripped from her ‘everything is ladybugs and rainbows’ dream life and slammed into the hard, solid, concrete ground of reality so fast that she shatters. That is not the role I want to ever play again. I much prefer to see the ground coming and am able to position myself that hopefully my feet hit first.

I have more to write just not the time right now. I will be back soon…. Rawr.