Sometimes… I can’t stop the tears no matter how hard I try.

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Sometimes I still get super super sad.

Sometimes I get really mad.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I still lie awake at night thinking about all the nights we shared and the ones we were supposed to share.

Sometimes I don’t think about US for hours at a time.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know you existed in this world without me.

Sometimes I hope you hurt as bad as I do.

Sometimes I pray that someone breaks you the way you did me.

Sometimes I beg for you.

Sometimes I come for you.

Sometimes I long for you.

Sometimes I pretend like the ache I feel in soul from the loss of US will go away.

Sometimes I hope I don’t wake up.

Sometimes I cry and scream and beg that this all a really bad dream and when I wake up you will be there loving me like you were always supposed to.

Sometimes….

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I’m finding it harder to ignore the hurt in my soul… I miss you.

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I didn’t realize how much I was hoping for The End of the World until I spent ALL of yesterday waiting for the end to come.

I am pretty sure this was going to be about how I couldn’t think of much else than the end finally coming and this weird sense of calm i got when I thought about how the pain and hurt would maybe finally end. Yesterday was supposed to be my fucking out!

Fuck you End of the World for not following through!!

So now instead of wherever I would be I’m stuck here, in hell on earth, with someone who couldn’t care less about me, faking it while trying to f’ing make it, reminding myself to breathe, longing for US and waiting for the next ‘big catastrophe’ that is going to hit, well wishing actually.

It’s the weekend now, I think, and the holidays on top of that so anytime with you seems impossible and that is depressing. I guess I’m going to throw on some music and get lost in it.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.
I’m yours.

The world hasn’t ended yet… At least I don’t think has but this very well could be hell.

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I can’t stop thinking about reading more of this blog. I want to grab a cup of coffee and curl up with my fuzzy, cozy, warm purple blanket and get lost in the story of US.
But I can’t.
Even after reading just those few post from September the hurt and longing for you came screaming to the surface, making it that much harder to ignore. I’m afraid if I read what I’ve wrote about US the small embers that burn for you will be ignited and well, all hell would surely break loose then. Right?!
So instead I will sit here and try to remember to breathe, reminding myself of all the reasons why I belong on this earth, and fighting to hear anything over the pounding of my heart in my ears.
I’m sorry.  

You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

I don’t know how I will sleep tonight without you… I won’t.

The last few nights/days have been so amazing with you. I can’t tell you how much I love every second I spend with you, even if it is only laying in bed reading while you ‘shop’ on Amazon (you naughty, naughty boy, you) I love it. I love falling asleep and every time I am woken from a horrible dream you are there to love me back to sleep again.

I will miss you tonight. I will lay awake most of the night I’m sure, while staring into the darkness longing for your love. I wish I had the time to write more without being interrupted but its not a possibility with the wee ones.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.