We’ve somehow weathered the last 4 days… Will we weather many more?

how awful you made me feel

I’m so confused.

I don’t have any idea what I should do. The US inside me that is trying to fight to survive is telling me to just find my answers in your arms and love but… the part of me that no longer believes in anything ‘US’ related wants me to man up and quit being a whiney bitch and let you go.

So what do I do?

Because without you I find myself crumpled on the floor but when we are together I find myself going crazy doubting and questioning everything. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G!!!

And sleep? That is a fucking joke right now. How can I sleep when the silence and stillness makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I’m not even kidding. I seriously am going to lose my fucking mind.

And I’m pretty much okay with that.

If I lose my mind then I guess I wont have to deal with the shit that is running around up there.

This is going to be so fucking crazy and all over the place because no matter how much I say that I want to run away and let US go and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah….

I want US more than anything.

I don’t want to give up.

I want to believe.

I want to feel US like I used to.

I want to feel you touch places and bring them alive like no one else can.

I want to not hurt from the depths of my soul.

I want to not think that every time you are apart from you are with HER.

I want to be your number one… Not the runner up or just the chick you got stuck with.

I’m sorry. I will try again another time to get some more shit out. Right now I just want to snuggle into your arms and wrap myself in your love and forget about any and everything else.

But I don’t get to do that anymore. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

And I miss it so fucking much….

I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.