I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

I’m not much of a drinker… But I’m going to be tomorrow.

i am so

 

 

I was sitting down to write and the stopped to check out stats, bad idea. I noticed a post titled, An early morning Miss List, had received quite a few hits. I  of course clicked on it because, as with most things I write, I had no memory of writing or titling it so, of course I had to read what I wrote. Upon further inspection I realized I wrote it July 12th of last year. July 12th is a very special day to me, it’s her birthday and I miss her so much.

I, still, don’t remember writing it but everything I missed I still do.

I’m sorry it’s almost a year later and not much has changed.

I love you more. I miss you more. I need you more.

Everything else is pretty much the same.

Sorry.

The world hasn’t ended yet… At least I don’t think has but this very well could be hell.

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I can’t stop thinking about reading more of this blog. I want to grab a cup of coffee and curl up with my fuzzy, cozy, warm purple blanket and get lost in the story of US.
But I can’t.
Even after reading just those few post from September the hurt and longing for you came screaming to the surface, making it that much harder to ignore. I’m afraid if I read what I’ve wrote about US the small embers that burn for you will be ignited and well, all hell would surely break loose then. Right?!
So instead I will sit here and try to remember to breathe, reminding myself of all the reasons why I belong on this earth, and fighting to hear anything over the pounding of my heart in my ears.
I’m sorry.  

Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

I think that the ‘One Day’ has arrived… And I don’t know what to do. So I guess I will watch the Olympics.

I hate this feeling, the feeling like I am a bother, annoying, or worse yet, interrupting you. I hate that it took me losing the little bit of trust I had found in you to make me realize that I had in fact found trust in you.

I forgot what a horrible feeling it is to wake up from night terrors with tear soaked cheeks wondering if it will be another US-less day. I hate not being able to shake the fear I feel in the pit of my stomach that US is gone. I hate the tears that spring to my eyes and the breath that is sucked from me at random times. I hate that I want to spend hours days forever in your arms but at the same time feel like in your arms is the last place you want me to be. I feel like you want to spend as little time with me as possible, like you give me enough just to shut me up for a bit and that you are cringing the whole time.

Im so sad. I feel the sadness in my bones. My heart is heavy. My feet are heavy. Even my fingers are heavy. I want to just sleep but even my sleep is full of nightmares. I feel like I didn’t even sleep last night instead I just watched a series of horrible mini movies full of you leaving me in various ways usually ending with me crying on the floor. I’m not looking forward to sleep tonight either.

I need you. I need US to fix this. I’m scared it’s unfixable. Mostly because I don’t think you want to fix US anymore. I feel like you have reached your boiling point and are done with US.

Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One doesn’t forget about ones Moon. Ever.


Guilty. Guilt. Tons of it. Everywhere I turn, everywhere I look. I can’t escape it. And I fucking hate it. I don’t like to feel guilty. I don’t do things that make me feel guilt. Guilt is an emotion that I avoid but for some reason I am smothered in it.

I have to focus on my situation here. I have to focus on making here livable again. I got so lost in US; the blackness crept in and almost stole everything from me. I need my attention to be here. You are distracting. You are what I dream about. US is the love you read about in those sappy fucking romance novels. But US can’t be. Not now.

I’m sorry.

I’m still going to write you. I know that walking away right now is going to be one of the hardest things I have done. But I have to. I will try to write whenever I have the urge to talk to you. I am hoping I will find comfort in writing to you because you have always cared so much about what I have to say. Everything. Even the stupid, dumb, whiney, bullshit that I usually give you. You would sit there, listen, and love.

Thank you. Thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for not making this any harder than it already is. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for loving. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing me what love should feel like. Thank you for showing me that I could feel a love like US, a love so fierce, passionate, intense, and powerful that the memories are burned into my soul forever.

I will miss you.

I already do. I miss you the second we part. I always do.

I won’t say good bye. Now or ever.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

 

I am so sorry. I miss you. I love you. I suck.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I have to sleep. I have to force myself to try. I need to be up in 5 hours. Probably about the time I fall asleep.

Fuck.

I am hoping to get some time to try to write tomorrow. I need to. I am going to go fucking iNsAnE iN tHe MeMbRaNe soon if I don’t ‘sort’ some of the shit going on up there out.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Or not.

I forgot you probably hate me right about now. Sorry again. I know it doesn’t help or make anything better but I really am.

I usually try to text, call, or message you every 20 minutes but quickly stop myself. It is too hard to hear you, your voice, your love, your patience, your understanding, all of YOU is too hard to fight anymore. Hearing the disappointment in your voice is heart wrenching. I hate that you are hurting. I am sorry I get so lost in my hurt that I forget that you too could be hurting. I’m sorry you hurt.

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I love you. I really do. I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wish I could write more tonight.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.