How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Soul-less…

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Good things must be happening for you. I can tell because the ache in my soul is constant. You have been racing through my thoughts/dreams/nightmares at a rapid pace. I can’t escape you. You haunt my every move.

I can only assume it’s my souls way of trying to hang on to you. I have decided that you must be completely letting me go and my soul can feel it. It’s crushing and comforting at the same time. Whatever it was that you thought was worth more than US just might be turning out to be just that. That tears me a part and eases the hurt knowing that if that is truly the case then you truly never were meant to be mine and that I can literally grieve for you forever but you won’t be coming back. And that somehow gives me some sick comfort knowing that I didn’t have to make the decision to not try anymore because the decision was made for me. You have to live with knowing you walked away for something ‘better’. I get to live knowing I tried like crazy for something I believed in and there was literally nothing else I could do. I had exhausted all of my options when it came to US.

I couldn’t show possibly do anything to say or show you how much I loved you because I had done and said it all.

I pushed any and everything away for a love that I truly thought was worth it.

I loved and believed with every ounce of my being.

And I think I loved US to death.

So now I am sitting here with an ache in my soul, silently screaming out for something that will never be mine.

I’m so afraid to let this love go. The love that I have shared here feels like home. What if I truly let it go and I am never able to find a love like it again? What if I mistakenly gave all the love I had here and wasted it on something that was not real and now I don’t have anything left to give anyone else? Or worse what if I never find anyone who even wants my love?

I’m going back to bed.

Wake me never.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Grief is the means by which we heal the pain of love… We are done with heartache when it let’s us go.

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The degree to which we love is the degree to which we break open when we lose what we love…

When i can’t sleep i read. Reading articles like this one save me. It’s starting to kinda make sense. I loved love you with every fiber of my being. Of course is going to bring me to my knees and break me to the core. I gave you everything thinking you were doing the same in return.
I will carry this grief with me until it let’s me go. I love you. I will accept every bit of hurt i feel because it was worth every second.

http://wakeup-world.com/2014/11/18/heartbreak-loving-ourselves-through-difficult-times/

Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

I’m still here… Kinda.

feel so empty

 

I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

My Drafts Folder was overflowing… So posting everything possible into one seemed fitting. Sorry it’s a long one.

silence and tears

 

Starting with the following these are all the drafts that I have left of US, that are post worthy some are just a touch too personal.

Here goes nothing…

A Soul Most Vulnerable…

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

Not Titled….

It’s 11:11 and I’ve pretty much made it thru the day. Only the loneliest of times are left now until the sunrise and we fake it all again.

Oh how I miss my wishes from when life was filled with us.

Now I’m just wishing to make it to the next breath…

Well, that and a case of amnesia so I can forget everything US and not hurt so fucking bad.

I’m sure you’re doing just fine, as usual.

You have the legs of a ballerina… And other beautiful moments that got me through this hell like day.

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?