I wrote this to Moon December 21st, 2014… it’s only taken a year to post it.

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I have these moments of pure disgust for you and the way that you have so many times disregarded my feelings.

An anger that is indescribable builds inside and it makes my stomach turn and my skin tingle when I think about how I know that you still use the same lips that try to convince me of how much you love me to try to convince your new girl of exactly the same things with most likely the same lines…

Maybe you were right when you said that I will never be able to let the past about her go… but do you know why?

Because you have never once let her go.

You have lied to me, most definitely her, and everyone else.

You are pathetic with the way you try to use the love that I have for you to your advantage. You come to me when your little pet is out with people and friends her own age but run right back to her if she shows you any sign of attention.

I am even more pathetic for giving you an outlet.

I won’t any longer.

Next time you are so intoxicated that you can hardly send a coherent text, your dick is raging, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself… Call her(Oh wait.. I’m sure you did but she was not available to you) tell her how you want to end it all and how you have fucked up and feel so terrible. How nothing is worth it and blah fucking blah blah blah…

Because the reason why you want to give up has nothing to do with the fact that you lost me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you know your little band-aid isn’t a permanent fix, or a permanent ANYTHING, but you’re so fucking addicted to her it’s become sickening.

But I’ll be the hater and the bitch and the whatever the fuck else you want me to be.

And just like that the anger and hurt has taken over and replaced any good that I have felt with you.

It’s so easy to hold on to the hurt and anger. It’s so easy to become lost in it and let it take over. It’s too easy to sit back and let the anger flow from my soul through my fingertips at lightening fast speed and replace all the longing I have for you with dislike. If I hold on to all this bad then I can’t focus on how much I hurt from all the great that you made me feel.

And do you think after all of this that I hate you?

No fucking way…

I hate myself.

More than I could ever hate another being… almost as much as I hate the love that you have for Her… almost.

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I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Trying. Promise.

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Thank you Amanda Torroni for writing for me tonight. Starting a new year with the hurt and ache from missing him is almost too much to bear. Your words saved me tonight.

2015… let’s do this.

If the love you share is mad, passionate, crazy, unforgettable, eternal & comes from the depths of your soul and HE WALKS AWAY… Then He never meant a thing he said and you’re better off without him!

promote love

I was going to continue to write here but I am not.

I don’t feel better when I write to you anymore and really I don’t have anything left to say to you.

Or your EX WIFE who decided to stalk me down and read this (and I’m the crazy, psycho right?).

You were the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.

I will walk away with my head held high and only take the good that I got out of US because, no matter what anyone wants to think or thinks that they know, we made so much good!

You showed me that even though you were a phony/fake/lying/cheating lover, I am able to love from the depths of my soul with a love that is everlasting.

I know that I can allow someone in and see the deepest darkest parts of me.

I have learned through all of this that the love I felt and the amazingness that was made, came from my soul, the depths of my soul, which means I can feel all of these things again.

I just have to find someone worthy of the love that I have to offer.

And you are not that person.

But I am learning now, quicker than ever, that all of the good things that you said I had other people see in me as well and they voice them to me. Maybe they have been saying them the whole time but I have been so deafened by our love that I didn’t hear them.

But I am hearing them loud and clear now.

And I am trying my hardest to not brush them off or shush them but to take each one with a smile and a thank you instead.

Oh, and I did want to give you one more THANK YOU for calling/texting/sexting and video messaging the other night and then leaving with a FUCK YOU again after figuring out you weren’t getting anything.

Mucho appreciated!!

How nice for you to waltz back in for only sixty-ish minutes, because I am sure that either that little girl or someone else became available that was more important than me, and pretend to care and love and miss me telling me how much you do but then immediately switch to a fuck you, you’re done?!

You make me laugh!

You don’t have the option of being done!

Because you never had another chance my dear!

I meant it when I said I will love and care about you forever!

I truly will from the depths of my broken, but healing,  soul.

But I will love myself just as fucking much.

And I will NOT  allow myself to be surrounded by people who are neither honest or sincere, people who lie, cheat, and treat me with no respect, who are cold-hearted and soul-less, who tell me one thing to my face while telling some little kid/EX-Wife/friends that I meant nothing to you and were nothing but just some chick you used to date, that I am crazy and won’t leave you alone and keep blowing up your phone (has your phone rang or have you received a text from me in weeks? Didn’t think so, with the exception of the EX incident) while never telling them that you have been filling me full of bullshit lies and texts/emails/voicemails/video messages/love sessions begging me not to give up that you loved and wanted me blah blah blah…

You were all of those things to me.

I had to revise the ending and remove my snarky comments to your EX, just in case she decides to come back and take a peak, because I realized that bitch has no place here and never will.

How fitting that this song just came on Pandora while I’m posting my final goodbye…

In all the world… there is no better heart for me like yours.

In all the world… there is no better love you for like mine.

~Maya Angelou

You’re gone. Like really gone. I feel nothing… But in brighter news you will be spending all of your time with a teenager. That you fell in love with but kinda forgot to let me in on (I’m gonna go puke, again).

feel so empty

 

 

Everything has changed.

Forever.

There will be no more US (I have been doing really good most of the day until I typed that out, now my palms are sweaty, the tears are streaming down my face, the sobs are choked up in my throat, my heart is racing, and I can’t take a fucking breath) ever again.

 I can’t fucking believe it.

 I am sick and destroyed beyond belief.

 There is only one other time in my life that I have been this devastated and it was the day my grandma died and every day after for months.

But this time someone I loved with every ounce of my being wasn’t ripped from arms because of death.

No.

They walked away. Directly (and I mean that pretty fucking literal) into someone else’s arms and barely even looked back as I lay crumpled on the floor (again literal here) feeling like I have had my soul ripped out of my body (literal, you get the point I’m sure).

You did kinda look at me for a second and say you were sorry.

HA!!

Are you fucking serious? You’re sorry? What exactly are you sorry for? Last night when we said our goodbye (which is a whole fucking post in it’s self, and will be written just not sure published) I promised to not be mean, rude, or cruel but this is my blog and shit is about to get real…

Are you sorry for…

Lying and cheating on me for 8 months?

Looking me in the eyes and telling me you loved me and wanted me forever, less than 3 days ago?

Falling in love with a teenager?

Comparing said love to the love that you and I have shared and created?

Falling in love with a teenager? Oh, right I asked that one already, it’s pretty high on my list of questions I would like answered. Obviously.

Acting like I don’t exist?

Turning the most beautiful love story ever written, that could never have been written without the two of US, into ‘Just some chick you USED to date’? (this one actually brought me to the ground. Outside. In my backyard. Pathetic I know)

Ignoring me?

Being heartless?

Making love to me for hours (again less than 3 days ago) day after day but not mean one second of it?

Using me?

Taking my love for granted?

Letting some teenage kids harass me and joke about my love for you?

Rubbing it in my face that you ‘fell in love’ with a kid and letting her message me to tell me how much she trust you because you have never lied to her?! (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME LITTLE GIRL?! DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BEFORE I MESSAGED YOU ON Facebook OTHER THAN I WAS A ‘FRIEND’ OF HIS? DID YOU KNOW THAT HE HAS SPENT THE LAST 8 MONTHS OF OUR 3 YEAR RELATIONSHIP TELLING ME NOT TO GIVE UP ON HIM BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME? DID YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THE NIGHTS WE HAVE SPENT WITH EACH OTHER DOING THINGS THAT A LITTLE GIRL COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE? DO YOU KNOW THAT WE FELL IN LOVE BEFORE YOU COULD EVEN DRIVE A CAR ON YOUR OWN AND DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO SPEND ETERNITY STROKING THAT FLAME? DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE WAS COMING HERE NEXT MONTH? NO? Yea, I didn’t think so… but he never lied to you right?)

Sorry, I’m apparently a bit bitter/hurt/destroyed/broke/empty/irate/angry/sad/dead.

I don’t even know where or what I was saying before that.

I can’t keep a straight line of thought at all.

I should be working. I was on my way there. Until I had to rush home and race to the bathroom to throw up the salad I thought after 48 hours, omg I can’t believe it has been that long… this may be worse than I though, I should try to eat.

So obviously I’m not at work.

I’m here with my coconut water and computer pouring out every last bit of US that remains inside, or trying to at least.

I can tell you I woke up this morning and felt something I have not felt since before I met you, empty. The real empty. I don’t know how else to explain it other than the fire inside of me that burned for US went out. You finally extinguished the last burning embers of US that remained inside and this morning, waking up after saying our goodbe, I could no longer feel the fight inside of me. Oh, I still feel the hurt and the pain but I don’t feel the burning desire to fight for US anymore. It’s almost like my soul knows that there is no more US to fight for and finally gave up. It is one of the saddest feelings I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I would feel that fire forever. I thought that there would never be a time that there wasn’t a burning desire in the pit of my soul to fight for US.

But it’s gone.

I don’t feel it.

I don’t feel anything really. I feel hurt. I feel sorrow. I feel more alone and empty than I could have ever imagined. The parts of US that lived in my soul were just enough that I could always feel them and be reminded that there was something to fight for.

Now that is gone.

There is nothing left to fight for.

I have let you go.

It finally happened.

And I’m so fucking scared I can hardly breathe. I don’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t stop thinking about how there is a lifetime left and I don’t get to look into your blue eyes, or kiss the dragon on your arm, or run my hands down your chest, or call you when I have a bad day, or run to you when I’m hurt, or hear you laugh, or see you smile, I don’t get to hear your voice, I don’t get to hear you call me pretty eyes, I don’t get to hear you say you love me, I don’t get to feel your love wrap around me and make everything else in the universe not matter, I don’t get to wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep knowing you’re there, I don’t get the happily everafter that you promised me.

I don’t get anything.

But you get her.

You get all of those things with her.

A kid, that I have had my period longer than she has been walking this fucking earth, gets all of the things that you spent YEARS promising and begging me to believe in.

This has to be a fucking joke right?

Like at some point, and I hope pretty fucking soon, someone is going to knock on my door and say that I was on a reality show to test the strength of my love for you. And that I won. Obviously.

Right?

I mean if that is the case they can stop this sick show and give me my Moon back.

Because I don’t know how much longer I can even exist without him…

Wait.

He’s not mine anymore. This isn’t just some sick disgusting reality show.

It’s real fucking life.

And it’s mine.

And you’re some little girls now.

You didn’t he want to let her go long enough to really give US his all. You never even stopped talking to her like you said you did. I was so fucking stupid to trust you over and over and over again while you lied to my face making me look like the stupid bitch ever.

How could you do this?

How could you take the love that I gave you, from the depths of my soul, and use it like this?

For the last 8 months I have been nothing to you but a cum dumpster.

And I’m pretty sure that is why I can’t keep anything down.

This is never the ending that I thought I would write to our Love Story.

You walking away willingly and without regret/remorse/sadness is not something I ever in a zillion fucking eons could have imagined.

Never.

But you did.

All for a little girl who spends her days watching Disney movies and quoting bands…

And now I have a whole lifetime to accept it.

 

 

 

 

 

My Drafts Folder was overflowing… So posting everything possible into one seemed fitting. Sorry it’s a long one.

silence and tears

 

Starting with the following these are all the drafts that I have left of US, that are post worthy some are just a touch too personal.

Here goes nothing…

A Soul Most Vulnerable…

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

Not Titled….

It’s 11:11 and I’ve pretty much made it thru the day. Only the loneliest of times are left now until the sunrise and we fake it all again.

Oh how I miss my wishes from when life was filled with us.

Now I’m just wishing to make it to the next breath…

Well, that and a case of amnesia so I can forget everything US and not hurt so fucking bad.

I’m sure you’re doing just fine, as usual.

You have the legs of a ballerina… And other beautiful moments that got me through this hell like day.

I don’t know what to say.

It’s all the same but everything is different.

I have a draft folder full of posts that I just haven’t had the heart to post. I’m sure at some point I will post them, unfinished and all. But right now I don’t care. Mostly because…

You don’t care.

You only care if you think someone else might.

I finally got you to look me in the eye while I was able to tell you how bad you hurt me, how terrible you make me feel, how much I love you, how much I missed you… And much more word vomit.

You were silent.

Mostly.

Very little talking was done on your part.

When I asked you what you wanted from me you answered with, ‘I don’t know anymore.’

When questioned on how you viewed our ‘relationship’ status you didn’t have a response.

I told you how I didn’t think I could even consider you a friend to me at this point because you are never there for me you still had nothing to say.

You said you felt nothing.

That you felt numb.

I know that feeling.

I feel that every fucking second of every fucking day that you are gone. But guess what.

You chose that.

You decided that you didn’t want to be with me.

You picked feeling nothing over feeling a love so intense it was hard to take in at times.

I told you how disgusting that is to me and how much that hurts my soul because I am here, alive, breathing (barely), and I loved you more than I ever thought possible.

Nothing from you.

I want to know if you felt different this time when we were together.

I want to know if you don’t feel the same way you used to when you look at me now.

I do.

Yea, my heart is broken. But my soul is shattered.

I have to live a life with a soul that is missing pieces of itself. I have to try to find a way to put it back together without the pieces that you will forever own.

How do I do that?

Can it be done?

 

 

You broke everything… And nothing can ever be the same again.

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Nothing is the same. I don’t feel anything anymore. There are tiny moments when, for some odd reason, I am able to feel the tiniest flutter of US. But there aren’t many of those moments anymore. 

There is no fixing US.

How do you force yourself to feel?

What doesn’t kill you… Makes you want to fucking die.

silly girl he doesnt care

I had this whole post I was going to write. I was going to pour my soul out but then I remembered that it doesn’t matter anymore. I remembered that you didn’t shed a tear. Oh, a few drops of baby juice maybe seeing as how you refused to put your dick down, but not a single fucking tear. Nice btw.

I basically broke up with you.

And you continued to jack off… Wow.

Thanks for that one.

I don’t know that you have ever made me feel less loved than you did today.

But hey, you got off so I’m sure you had a great fucking day.

Soul broken….

soon forget color of you eyes

 

 

What a terribly sad day this will be…