I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

image

I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…

We’re making magic. And we are gonna survive the Zombie Apocalypse.

 

Today was amazing.You are amazing.US is more than amazing (:

Being able to spend the time together we have lately is saving me right now. Things are bad here. I feel awful that you have to deal with all my sadness right now, especially since it’s not your fault or because of you. I have basically begged and pleaded with you to leave me alone during all this, to run as fast as you can and hide from this but you refuse and I love you so much. I love that you don’t give in to my pushing. I love how you love me. I find the love of US lighting the dark when you are not here. I can feel the love of US settle over me when the anxiety, sadness, hurt start to set in.

Shutting down is my basic survival mode. It is what I always do. When things start to get too much I shut down. I push everyone and everything away and I ‘Fake it till I make it’. I don’t let anyone in to comfort, hold, or support me. I don’t really even know what that is like anymore. I have been battling this thing called life by my own for so long now that having a KickAss partner like YOU is unsettling at times. Then the excitement and love takes back over and the KICKASS-ness shines bright again.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for not letting me push you away. Thank you for holding on and loving me through all my ‘craziness’. Thank you for seeing through all of my ‘I would rather be alone’ bullshit and sticking around. Thanks for loving me, crazy and all.  

I am going to try to sleep. I hope you stayed asleep tonight Moon, you were beyond cute tonight my dear. Tonight was fantastic and fun. You are just what I needed. You are just what I need. Forever.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.