I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

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T-Swizzle are you trying to tell me something?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b17fEEa3jLg

I hate the weekends that aren’t full of US… I’m thinking they might be your favorite kind.

I spent the afternoon on the river with two of my favorite little people in the universe today and I have to say that the smiles and peace I felt were not faked. The smiles were small and far between but that could be due to the sadness that still lurked just beneath the surface of the smiles.

I find the water so calming. If I could have my way I would have a cabin on all types of lakes, rivers, and oceans. My own little private hideaways. There is something about the crystal clear water flowing so freely and the sun lighting the tips making it look like the top of the water is on fire, my favorite. It was hard to not feel anything but calm today and I loved it.

The sun warmed my skin and even touched the tip of my soul, the water danced and glittered beautifully today calming the angry ocean of screaming thoughts that is my mind. I realized today that it’s not about ‘fixing’ me, it never was, it’s about me becoming ME, there is no fixing at all. I apologize in advance if you don’t like the ME that I become. On second thought, no I don’t (:

There of course was something missing. Something was off today. I know what it was. You know what it was. I’m sorry.

I miss you.

Goodnight Moon.

I can’t even title these things anymore… It has to get better than this.

I tried writing you again today. I deleted it. Like I have done with every post for I can’t remember how long. I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the way I was able to be carefree and fun with you. I miss laughing. The real laughs.

I miss so much about you, US, that I get lost in memory when I try to write and then what does come out is so warbled and messy that I get frustrated and delete it.

I am sorry that it looks like I am settling. I’m not. I have some big ideas burning within and I am trying to figure them out and see what to do with them.

Thank you. Thank you for letting me find me. Thank you for not smothering but not abandoning me either. I don’t deserve the love and patience you have shown me.

I’m sorry if the ending of this story is not with the picture perfect US that we had in mind. I’m sorry if by finding me we lose US.

I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I am so bad at expressing myself lately. I’m thinking of ways to fix that.

I miss US.