You better be drinking that glass of water and taking those tylenol… I’ll meet you in our dreams butthead.

I’m mad at you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.

I hate alcohol. It is annoying. It is hurtful. It is stupid. And it is a waste of fucking time and money. So please if you feel like getting loaded next time drop your phone in the toilet or something so that we don’t have another one of these fucking nights.

I love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you today. I’m sorry that I don’t have the love capacity that you do. I’m sorry that I have been so shattered that it makes loving you so hard. I wish I could love you. I wish I could make you feel the love that you make me feel.

But I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to love or be loved without hurt or meanness being involved.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. If I was capable of loving I would love you. I just don’t know if I am capable. And if I find out I am, I don’t know if you will still be around.

I miss you.

I need you.

I’m yours.

Did you read that last part by the way??

I’m Yours….

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Your 1ish is more like 2ish then? Or is it more like when/if you get around to me? Just checking… Oops, seems like a bit of the angry leaked out. I miss you. I love you.

 

I’m sitting here. Waiting for you. Again. I’m always waiting for you lately. I hate it. I hate the uneasiness I get in my stomach when I sit here and wonder if you are going to call or not. And if you don’t, which you usually don’t anymore, and then I have to sit here and go crazy wondering why you aren’t. I of course go to worse case scenario, it’s the half glass empty in me, and the imagination and hurt grow from there.

I write to you a lot in my head. I find myself throughout the day ‘talking’ to you. Saying what I would if you were here. One Thing just came on the freaking radio and I am not even attempting to hold back the tears, there is no point, you are my One Thing. I have no idea what I was saying or writing before because right now all I can think about is US, laying for hours listening to music and each other, falling into a love so deep that the loss of it cant help but be felt in your bones.

I don’t think I was ever really ‘there’ in terms of believing you wouldn’t leave or that the love of US was enough, blah, blah, blah, but I was so close I could almost see it.

But now, now, I can’t even imagine it let alone see it. I feel like you will leave me.

I know you will leave me, because somehow I’ve become unimportant to you.

I don’t think I ever really asked for that much but all of a sudden me just expecting you to answer your phone is appalling and suffocating.

I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to go from having you be there for me whenever possible to this, me having to pencil in time with you; and even then you rarely follow through.

I feel like I am in a tailspin. A part of me, the dark, scary, and broken part, finds a sick comfort in your absence. I know how to deal with hurt, lies, and meanness, it’s my thing, I am okay in a horribly sad way with you being AWOL so I try to hide it and keep you at arms distance but the rest of me and my soul, we don’t know what the fuck to do without you.

So I sit here. I miss you. I try to busy myself with music, cleaning, chores, the little ones that own my world, work, and anything else I can to distract me from the hurt of missing you and the darkness that screams you won’t be back because it’s just not worth it.

On a complete me move I have wanted to apologize for my mini breakdown this am. I don’t know what got into me. It could have been the lack of sleep or the not-so-nice words that usually start my mornings, or it could have been that the pain and fear of losing US was just no longer avoidable but whatever the fuck it was I’m sorry. I was mad at myself all day long after that. I hate showing you the weak in me. I hate not being able to just act like I don’t care and that I don’t hurt to the core from missing you and sometimes I cant hold it in and there was a time, in the way distant past, that you cared and wanted to hear what was going on and how I was feeling. And I needed to get it out. I just wish I would have had the time to get it out here, instead of to you. I really don’t need to add to the craziness where you are concerned.

Well, I am going to put an end to this pity party here and call it a night. I have a few chapters left to read in Fifty and I find it so easy to get lost in the love of them. It reminds me so much of the love of US in so many ways. You are my Fifty. I would do anything for you. I will love you no matter what. Forever.

I miss you.

I’m yours.