DAMN YOU The Bachelorette! You make me miss the butterflies…

I miss US. I miss you. I miss the me that I am when I am with you. I miss the way it was when I didn’t have to force myself to smile, make my self laugh, blah, blah… the stupid dumb TV that I never watch anymore makes me wanna gag. As much as I like the chick I cant help but wanna puke at the lovey dovey shit some of these guys say.

Really? Am I seriously bitching about some fake reality show right now? I think I need to take a FF time out.

Did I mention that I miss you?

I’m sorry.

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Amaze me with the gentleness of US baby. Please. I need to be reminded.

I miss the soft and gentleness of US. I miss the way US would spread its tingle over me like silk. Everything around me feels so hard and rough. I feel like I have been jerked and tossed around so much that there is a rigidness to me now. Like I am on constant alert, always prepared for the impact.

I miss the feelings of US. I miss the way US flowed so smoothly. Like it was just supposed to be. One amazing moment into the next. There were no rough or jagged edges just smoothness and this odd calming feeling full of this amazing unexplainable tingle and sparkle.

I miss the way you make love to me. I don’t often talk about our love making. But I miss it. I miss the way you found your pleasure in all things me. I miss the way you would steal my breath from the first whisper often times not returning it until long after we lay spent with each other. I miss lying with you and feeling the most amazing I have ever felt in my entire life. The after is just as amazing as what brought us there. There is something about the after that is not a feeling I am familiar with. It is like being in the most peaceful, loving, place. The closeness I feel with you is unexplainable. Like we are one. There is just US. One soul.  

I miss you. I miss US.
I love you.

I’ll take a 4 or 5… It’s less mad than I am at myself.

Headphones on… check

Music on…. check

Allowing US to take over… working on it…

I need to write. I need to let some of this shit out. I need to just say fuck it and let whatever happens just fucking happen. But… I got nothing.

This is so typical of what my head is like right now. Crazy loud during the day but when I try to sit down and get some of it out then I am B L A N K and it really sucks. I don’t know what is stopping me from writing.

I guess partly I am embarrassed by what my life is right now. I can’t believe that things got so bad. I meant what I said last night about you distracting me.

You do.

You distract me from just how bad things really are here. Because when you are around it is so easy to get lost in US and pretend like we can conquer it all when in reality I don’t believe that for a fucking second. I don’t think I can focus on US right now. Things are not good and I am struggling with what I should and shouldn’t share here. Maybe that is part of my ‘block’ that what I want  to write about is not entirely just about US and our loving and butterflies filled stories but full of anger, hate, disgust, and a lot of hurtful words…

But whatever happens or doesn’t happen it most definitely will affect US.

I have been staring at the cursor thingy blinking for 3 FULL songs and the tightness in my chest isn’t getting much better. I don’t understand where this spine tingling fear is coming from. Why does my heart race, my legs tingle, why do I have to force myself to take a deep breath and yet I still can’t fill my lungs? What the fuck is happening to me? Have I repressed my feelings for so long that they are fighting back now demanding to be felt? Is it the tingling and sparkle of US that is igniting all of these feelings that have lain dormant for so long? Is US a good thing? Is it a ‘gonna be around for a while’ thing or was US supposed to be a fling? Was US just supposed to show me I could be loved and show you that you should never settle?

I don’t believe that US is real. Still. I can’t grasp the idea that I would ever really get to spend the rest of my days feeling a love like you make me feel. Even though you try, and beg, and plead to let you love me. I still don’t believe it. Fucked up? Yea, pretty much.

I was going back over the month of March on the blog today and was pretty saddened that the entries have been so short, and not so full of sweet. I guess that just means that I have been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself distracted from US. It is getting a bit easier and there are fewer and fewer US moments that break through the darkness. Sad I know because that just means that it’s darker than it should be.

I miss the tingle of US. I miss the way you, your words, especially your love would wrap around me. I could actually FEEL the love of US. I miss the feeling of US. I miss feeling. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel anything other than numb with an underlying, constant, hurt.

I don’t know when the above was written. But I decided to just post it as is. I am sorry if it is messy and hard to follow.

I often find posts that are half written or poorly thought out when I visit the dashboard. I start a new post through the drop down menu so if I save a draft I don’t usually. I don’t really have much to say. I don’t think I could find the words. I am a bit distracted tonight anyways so even if I got into a ‘groove’ I would surely be interrupted and that would just piss me off more.

I love you. I am sorry that we had to end our conversation the way we did. I don’t ever want to leave you with things unsaid. I know that we will be able to talk about this. Even if you don’t understand right now why I want to be alone I hope someday you will at least respect that I have to.

I don’t know if I can say goodnight tonight since I am very doubtful that sleep will find me. So instead I will say I love you, of course and… Until we meet again my Moon.