I’m not much of a drinker… But I’m going to be tomorrow.

i am so

 

 

I was sitting down to write and the stopped to check out stats, bad idea. I noticed a post titled, An early morning Miss List, had received quite a few hits. I  of course clicked on it because, as with most things I write, I had no memory of writing or titling it so, of course I had to read what I wrote. Upon further inspection I realized I wrote it July 12th of last year. July 12th is a very special day to me, it’s her birthday and I miss her so much.

I, still, don’t remember writing it but everything I missed I still do.

I’m sorry it’s almost a year later and not much has changed.

I love you more. I miss you more. I need you more.

Everything else is pretty much the same.

Sorry.

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Posting via someone elses words… Think they were spoken from my soul. Thank you L.C.

taking back us

That’s what you want right?

#toosadtowrite #missyou #thinkimgoingcrazy #areyouwithsomeone #insomnia #thisishowishouldtitlemyblogs

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Pretty sure I’m going crazy. The one night I think I could write there is no internet and writing on my phone sucks.

I hate when you don’t answer. I’m convinced you’re with someone else.
#welcometomycrazyhead #willthisgoawayever #needyoutosleep

Think I’m ending this now.

Night.

In other news… Or more like in other ‘dreams’.

like living

I had this crazy dream about US last night. I cant really go into detail, mostly because I don’t really remember every little thing but what I do remember is that the X was there, He was there, your Little Man and a few others that aren’t really important.

What IS important is that you and I were a kick ass team (:

It didn’t matter what any of them were trying or how difficult they were making it, you and I stood up for US and it was pretty cool. I remember thinking at one point it didn’t matter what was happening or who was against US because we were together and we had each other and that was the only thing that mattered; I really felt like as long we were together we would overcome anything.

Now, if only dreams became reality…

As if!

 

Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

Dreaming of May… Perhaps I will meet you in my dreams until then.

over the rainbow

 

I’m exhausted. I miss you. I can’t wait to be with you. I don’t how much longer I can last. I’m hoping I can hold out until at least May

I love you.

I’m yours.

I’m going crazy… Will this go away?

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I wanted to delete the blog. I wanted to erase any and every thing that has ever reminded me of you. I didn’t want to have to look at something that reminded me of how fake and full of lies US has become.

I attempted to read through from the beginning. I guess I was trying to convince myself that there was some truth in US somewhere but I only succeeded in pissing myself off further and doubting US even more. I find myself so sickened by what I read. I feel like I had these intense feelings for something that was fake, made up, a figment of my imagination, and it literally makes my stomach roll.

I am so sad at what US has become. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie again barely alive but shuffling through all the same. And I fucking hate it. All the comfort and love I used to find in you is missing and I need it so bad…

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hit you and yell that my feelings and love were worth more than what you made them.

But I won’t. I will hold it all in, attempt to get as much out here as possible and see how long it takes for you to get bored of waiting again.

Because you will.