Another introduction of the new character in the drama known as my life… And our falling in and out of, love story.

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Dear Universe,

What do you say when it’s the same old story but different characters?

I can say I’m not broken.

I can say that I am able to feel again but trust, well that is a whole different story.

Especially when you hear the same old crap time and time again. This time it was different, or so I thought. But isn’t that what everyone says? “this one is different, this one would never blah blibbity blah fucking blah..

Well I thought that.

And this time was different.

In different ways.

So of course when shit got crazy I sat down and wrote it out… to Him.

And so we have another love story…

 

Good bye my Almost Lover,

I don’t know where to begin or what to say.

I have said it all and then some in the last 24 hours…

I feel like there is nothing left to say and yet a lifetime left of words to be spoken.

How much more open could I have been? I literally gave all of myself that I had to offer to you, at a time when I was more vulnerable and broken then ever. I opened up my heart/soul/life/bed/home/family to you. I trusted you with the things that are the reason for my existence. The ONLY reasons that I continue to get out of bed every fucking morning.

Because lets face it, I was hardly existing the fucked hand I had been dealt.

But you walked in.

At a coffee shop.

And all of a sudden all of the blurry, fuzziness in life came into focus and suddenly everything was vibrant and colorful. I felt, what I can only describe as an electrical buzz, in my being, like I all of sudden knew what it meant and felt like to connect with another soul. I literally felt my soul connect with you.

Within hours of meeting you my soul craved closeness with yours in a way that I will never be able to put into words but will spend my lifetime trying to.

I can’t even explain it now.

All I can say is WoW..

And I haven’t even gotten to what it is like to be in your arms.

I can’t, and don’t even want to try to, explain what the feeling of being wrapped in your presence, feeling you on my body being surrounded by all of the amazingness we were making.. it is indescribable. literally.

I have dreamt of feeling the emotions and feelings that you produced in me since I was a little girl.

I even thought I found them once in my life. That is basically the reason I have a place to write this currently, because I thought I had found ‘the one’ but I was so very wrong and broken.

But then that Wednesday in the café happened and I realized that everything I had thought I knew about love was just childs play compared to what I was feeling being with you.

I was so wrapped up in the connection that I found with you that I was foolish with my heart and trust. You listened to my stories of hurt and sorrow. You stared into my eyes as I opened up to you and poured out all of the pain I had in my being. You convinced me with your words, as you were wiping the tears from my cheeks, that you would never hurt me and allow the same tears to flow because of you or your actions.

and yet when they were flowing and I could no longer hold them back.. You sat there. Unmoving. Staring. Not once even thinking of wiping a tear or caressing my face.

Instead they leaked down my face.

My heart and soul feeling like it is literally being flushed from me. I feel like I gave myself to you. I know I gave myself to you.

I even begged you not to break me, especially not so soon.

And I was stupid and trusted you. I trusted the love I was so convinced was out of this world. And you shattered it.

I know that it seems like something so miniscule to you but to me it is everyone of my terrible nightmares come true. I told you how used I had been when it came to relationships. I told you how insecure I was when it came to other women, especially exes. I truly thought you were listening to me and cared enough to take what I was saying into consideration.

I was wrong.

I don’t know how this could ever be again.

I will spend every second we are apart thinking of you connecting with other people, especially A.

I will question every noise your phone makes when we are together, not to mention how many times a day the thought will run through my mind when we are apart,  and never believe that it was only a fantasy football alert or a reminder alarm (even if that is truly all it is).

I already have a constant video dialogue of what the 2 of you talk about and how quickly you would return to her, or someone else, the second I walk away.

I will never trust what you have to say at face value. I’m fucked that way. I told you that.

I will forever feel hurt and disrespected that you did what you did even after I brought my son to meet you. I literally felt comfortable enough and trusted you enough with what means the most to me in the whole entire universe. and you shit all over it. You didn’t even want to take the opportunity to get to know my kid. Instead you spent the time texting someone who supposedly meant nothing to you while ignoring the child you had waited so long to meet.

I’ll never understand that.

I was so honored and privileged to be able to spend time with your children that the last thing I would have ever thought to do would have been to text with someone who supposedly was nothing to me. I had guilt having to deal with the situation I had to last weekend around them, and you know how unavoidable that was..

I don’t know where I am going with this. I’ve typed over a thousand fucking words and still there is about a lifetime left to get out.

I don’t remember why I started writing to you tonight. I think I was trying to answer  some of the  questions you had asked me but I obviously got off on a tangent and probably missed all of them and then some…

And to be honest I don’t even know what I wrote up to this point… MOst likely a whole bunch of nothing..

Which is exactly what I feel right now…

 

How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Strawberry Moons forevermore. . Too many moons.

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Dear Universe,

Sometimes I can’t write so I just post pictures.

Tonight’s one of those times.

Sometimes you’re fighting so hard to stay sane that you have to post without any pics… Deal with it.

Dear Universe,

Why can’t I breathe? Why are the tears flowing? Why does the hurt from missing Moon seem unbearable right now?

I just want to go back in time, to a day that we were madly in love (or so I thought) and I want to just soak it all up. I want to feel the love that we shared again. I forget what that feels like. I can’t remember what it is like to not feel alone.

I wish I could forget Moon.

Sitting here and writing about all the amazing he made me feel is not the way to forget about him.

But I’m terrified that once I forget it will be like US never existed, no one will remember what a great love story we made, US will just become some lost words on the internet that some sad/lost lover finds scouring the web for fellow wallowers.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck..

I think I’m ‘okay’ only when you’re out of sight/out of mind. . . And you’re rarely out of mind.

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I have been sitting here thinking of so much to write but really I don’t have anything to write here. I don’t feel anything when it comes to US anymore.

I honestly never thought that day would come. I hoped and wished for this day to come every second since that summer night that my world came shattering down, but I truly never thought it would really come. I kinda always thought that I would hang on to this sad love story forever but I guess the time has come.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there will be days or moments that the realization of losing you brings me to my knees or tears will spring to my eyes, but on the daily I feel nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

I have spent so much time and energy the last few years on the love that I had for you/us that I almost forgot what life was like without you in it. I literally had to train myself to not make choices with you/us in mind. I had to constantly remind myself that you didn’t want me anymore. Over and over I had to stop myself from reaching out to you. For months when the phone rang or text came I wished it would be from you. You had become such a huge part of my world that it has taken more time than I would like to admit for me to accept your gone.

But the day has come.

I wonder if that makes you happy? I wonder if you even remember I exist. And then I immediately try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter that I will never know the answers to those or any other questions I still have and oddly I am totally okay with that.

I am okay without you.

And then. . It’s 2am and I’m staring into the dark and it’s not long before the sadness creeps in and I’m reminded that I’m nothing to you. .

And well, that hurts a little more than I remember and now I find it difficult to remind myself that I’m okay without your love.

Are you okay without mine? Do you even remember what my love felt like? Was I not good enough at loving you? Why was my love not good enough for you? Will my love be good enough for anyone? Could anyone love me? Does it matter if they can because I don’t think I have any love left to give anyone. I guess that is kind of a good thing because that means no one can hurt me the way you have ever again.

Right? !

Yea.. so apparently it’s one of those nights.

Fuck nuggets I was hoping the okay would have held out a little longer than half a post. FML

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The love I had for you was unreal. I have never felt another love like it. It was comparable to the love that I have for my littles and that scares me because I love them more than I love myself.

Which is probably why I was so broken when you left.

I read at night when I can’t sleep and I have turned to reading articles/blogs/books about love and loss.

I lost you.

When you left the man I knew and fell in love with died. He was no longer. And it has taken me way too fucking long to let it go. But I am slowly accepting that I will love again, without you. I am kinda starting to be able to breathe again without struggling. I think of you less and less. I don’t feel butterflies and tingles when I see of picture of you anymore. If I see a pic I barely recognize the man looking back because I don’t know this new you and there is hardly anything ‘you’ that remains. If it weren’t for your baby blues I would be convinced it wasn’t you but I would know your eyes anywhere, I’ll never forget them.

I’m sure that you have long forgotten any and everything me but for the first time that thought doesn’t hurt me deep in my core like it used too. Now I am able to just be okay with you moving on. I know the hurt is still there, it will be forever, but I am able to move freely and not be paralyzed by it.

I don’t know if this is real but I hope that it remains.

I hope I am able to keep accepting and moving on from the loss of US.

Soul-less…

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Good things must be happening for you. I can tell because the ache in my soul is constant. You have been racing through my thoughts/dreams/nightmares at a rapid pace. I can’t escape you. You haunt my every move.

I can only assume it’s my souls way of trying to hang on to you. I have decided that you must be completely letting me go and my soul can feel it. It’s crushing and comforting at the same time. Whatever it was that you thought was worth more than US just might be turning out to be just that. That tears me a part and eases the hurt knowing that if that is truly the case then you truly never were meant to be mine and that I can literally grieve for you forever but you won’t be coming back. And that somehow gives me some sick comfort knowing that I didn’t have to make the decision to not try anymore because the decision was made for me. You have to live with knowing you walked away for something ‘better’. I get to live knowing I tried like crazy for something I believed in and there was literally nothing else I could do. I had exhausted all of my options when it came to US.

I couldn’t show possibly do anything to say or show you how much I loved you because I had done and said it all.

I pushed any and everything away for a love that I truly thought was worth it.

I loved and believed with every ounce of my being.

And I think I loved US to death.

So now I am sitting here with an ache in my soul, silently screaming out for something that will never be mine.

I’m so afraid to let this love go. The love that I have shared here feels like home. What if I truly let it go and I am never able to find a love like it again? What if I mistakenly gave all the love I had here and wasted it on something that was not real and now I don’t have anything left to give anyone else? Or worse what if I never find anyone who even wants my love?

I’m going back to bed.

Wake me never.

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

This song literally takes the breath from me. . . You are my immortal.

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Evanescence-My Immortal lyrics: http://youtu.be/cu7QvOQKcKk

I feel like the tiny bit of life I’ve been feeling is being sucked out of me tonight. All the ignoring is catching up to me and I’m not strong enough anymore to fight it. I’m going to wallow in all of my sadness tonight. I’m going to just let myself feel all the hurt from missing you. I’m going to lay here and remember all the amazing we made.

I’m so sad you don’t remember. I’m so sorry it wasn’t amazing enough for you. I’m broken it was so real to me.