I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

I just fcking miss him so bad…. I don’t want to pretend like I don’t tonight.

miss him

Dear Universe, I miss him. So fucking much it hurts. Again. I have had the best of days/weeks lately. But today… today I just miss Moon. I miss how if I had a day like today he would be there with open arms to hold and love away all the bad. I hate it. Missing him sucks. Thinking I need him is the worst.

I don’t remember his voice.. It brings a panic to my soul that is indescribable. There was a time that I thought I would hear it every day for the rest of my life and now I have a lifetime left to go without hearing it again.

I wish my soul forgot what it was like to love him.

Bahhhhhh….

Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

I’m sorry I made you mad…

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I’m yours… Even if you don’t want me.

Only one more night of this year. Fuck to the yea…

Today is Christmas… Just feels like another Tuesday without you to me.

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I spent most of the morning nursing a headache from the ‘small’ amount of wine I consumed lastnight(wink, wink). The little ones made it hard to be icky feeling. Leaving me exhausted and drained. I would love to write more but don’t have the energy…

I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry.

I’m yours… If you want me.

PS. Apparently drunk writing leads to double posting. Oopsie sorry about that. Kinda.

Hope your night was better than mine… Or do I??

I’m not in the best of moods right now so I probably shouldn’t even be attempting to write, or should I?

I’m feeling ignored, unimportant, not wanted, and unloved; and I hate it. I hate that when I am available you are not. I hate it even more when the reason behind ‘your not’ is related to video games, golf, or alcohol. I mean really? I don’t rate above any of those? Not even a, hey I’m kinda busy response. Just an ignore. A nothing.

I know I’m being ridiculous. I get it. Do you have to be available at my beck and call? Absolutely not, I have never wanted that, but I would like if I called repeatedly in a row for you to acknowledge that I just might really need you and to answer. Or at least respond. But nope. Nothing. Again.

I know I said I was busy for the night. I know I said I would talk to you tomorrow. I know I said a lot of shit. But I need you now. It doesn’t matter anymore what I said because right now I need you, and you aren’t here. And I just don’t get it. I just don’t get how you expect me to let go of my reserves and trust you when you aren’t there when I need you. I know that it may seem like a small thing to you but it’s not to me. You are my lifeline. You are supposed to catch me when I fall, pick me up when I crumble, and love me always.

Where are you?

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

I don’t know how I will sleep tonight without you… I won’t.

The last few nights/days have been so amazing with you. I can’t tell you how much I love every second I spend with you, even if it is only laying in bed reading while you ‘shop’ on Amazon (you naughty, naughty boy, you) I love it. I love falling asleep and every time I am woken from a horrible dream you are there to love me back to sleep again.

I will miss you tonight. I will lay awake most of the night I’m sure, while staring into the darkness longing for your love. I wish I had the time to write more without being interrupted but its not a possibility with the wee ones.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

Learning to walk before we can run… Hold my hand, let’s find US together. I miss you.

For the last few days I have woken with my bedside lamp still on always dreading the morning light as much as the dark, eerie, silence of night. No doubt I have fallen to sleep while reading, Fifty Shades of course, trying to fight the silence while reading myself into oblivion. It’s worked. I have somehow managed to fall into a nightmarish slumber, getting in only a fraction of what my body craves, never feeling fully rested.

But this morning I woke with the tingle of excitement inside. This morning I was determined to push the fear and anxiety aside and hold onto the sparkle and believe of US.

We had a date.

Well, an US kind of date but anything US is amazing so this ‘date’ had to be too. I have had a week from hell, so starting my Saturday with you sounded like paradise. I couldn’t fall asleep at all last night and I knew I wasn’t going to easily when I had to re read the page I was on for the 3rd time. My eyes popped open and I didn’t have to fight off the drowsy, I reached for my cell and saw 4 missed calls. I never have missed calls. No one calls me at times that I am not available. No one but you. I tried to not let the excitement bubble over before I knew that it was you but as soon as I saw it was you and that you had left voicemails there was no holding it back. I quickly dialed in to check them and a small smile crept over me; the sound of your voice does things to me that no one else has, it reaches in and sucks the breath from me while igniting a fire that only US can, I know as soon as I hear it that I will do anything and everything I ever can for you. Always. I hung up and released the breath that I didn’t know I had been holding.

I called you but had serious doubts that you would hear it and wake up since the voicemails where left less than 4 hours before I figured you would be fast asleep.

You answered. Tears sprang to my eyes, sorry it’s the crazy in me, and the rest, well the rest is… Magic.

I fell into the spell of you. I got lost in your words, commands, love. It was amazing. You never cease to amaze me.

But here is where it gets fucked up.

Even though we spent this amazing US-filled morning together I know that I have lost you. You are distant. I know that you are here but it is almost like it is a shadow of you. Like you could disappear and vanish in a strong wind.

You say the right things, you call me the right words but there is something missing. I don’t know how to get you back. I feel like the harder I try to hold onto you the lighter you become.

I want you back.

I need you back.

I miss the way you would send me I miss you texts, just letting me know you were thinking about me. No one could ever make me feel love the way you could. I miss you. I don’t think you ever think about me anymore when we are apart, unless it is to be annoyed or have to ‘ignore’ my call.

I don’t know how to stop feeling this way but I know if I don’t it will only make things worse for US. I don’t know how to not fear that you won’t be there when I wake, call, text, or need you. I don’t know how to not push you away farther while trying to pull you back to me.

I’m going to stop now because this morning was amazing. It was what I needed. It was what US needed. And I am not going to let my fear and brokenness ruin that. I was stupid and thought I could live this life without you but I was wrong. I will spend the rest of my days showing you the love I have for US.

I love you. I loved this morning. I love any and every moment with you. I am yours. I always will be.

I’m off to get my 7-11 coffee and banana fix; maybe today I will eat the whole banana. I love you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

I miss you. I love you. If you come back I will never say no to you again… I love you. Always.

Last night was amazing. I love you. Thank you for making me feel. Thank you for showing me all the love of US that I have been missing.

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you would come back… I’m drowning without you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asOQolzLCU0