Because of you and the love you have shown me…

I miss you.

I’m leaving for the weekend. I am hoping to leave my troubles, sorrow, pain, and all the other bullshit I am feeling home, I don’t want it to follow me this weekend. I need a break from it.

I don’t know how you hide from a part of your soul missing but I am going to try. I am going to try to let the water, heat, sun, and smiles (I hope there are smiles) wash over the pain and sadness I feel every day, minute, second that you are not here.

I love you.

You have made me feel a lot of things but never Ordinary… Until now.

I’m alone in my room, locked away from the sunny, heat exhausting, day. I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I don’t want anyone to touch me; its so freaking hot the only thing I want touching my body is crisp, cool, water. And I don’t think that is happening today. There is no water around to calm my mind and cool my soul so I guess I have to stick with a fan, glass of cold ice water, and writing. The only thing missing is the music but I can’t tell if it distracts or inspires so I’m trying none for now to see. Just talking about music has sidetracked my thoughts.

I feel US slipping further and further away and I’m finding myself doing less and less to save it. I think you are too. I find the simplest things that were so little but meant so much are disappearing too. I hate that it takes the absence of them to make me appreciate them so much. As much as I was screaming to stop your loving, caring, being there, and all the other STOPS I demanded, I secretly loved everyone. I begged you to stop because even though they were the most amazing feeling ever, I never wanted to know what it would feel like when the loving, caring, being there, blah, blah, blah, stopped. It fucking sucks, that is what it feels like. It feels like NOTHING. It’s kind of an uneasy feeling actually to feel nothing. I almost miss the hurt when the nothing sets in, almost.

I need to stop having a pity party for myself. I need to stop doing laundry on a day when it’s a hundred friggin’ degrees out and the dryer is in my ROOM, where’s a freaking clothes line when you need it?

Well, the little people call.

I miss you.

I hate the weekends that aren’t full of US… I’m thinking they might be your favorite kind.

I spent the afternoon on the river with two of my favorite little people in the universe today and I have to say that the smiles and peace I felt were not faked. The smiles were small and far between but that could be due to the sadness that still lurked just beneath the surface of the smiles.

I find the water so calming. If I could have my way I would have a cabin on all types of lakes, rivers, and oceans. My own little private hideaways. There is something about the crystal clear water flowing so freely and the sun lighting the tips making it look like the top of the water is on fire, my favorite. It was hard to not feel anything but calm today and I loved it.

The sun warmed my skin and even touched the tip of my soul, the water danced and glittered beautifully today calming the angry ocean of screaming thoughts that is my mind. I realized today that it’s not about ‘fixing’ me, it never was, it’s about me becoming ME, there is no fixing at all. I apologize in advance if you don’t like the ME that I become. On second thought, no I don’t (:

There of course was something missing. Something was off today. I know what it was. You know what it was. I’m sorry.

I miss you.

Goodnight Moon.

A thunderstorm, flash rainstorm, and a twirl in the pouring down rain… Now that’s the way to start my day.

The thunder woke me up this morning. It didn’t do anything but thunder for over an hour. Then the rain hit and I had to go out in it. I love the rain. I especially love the rain that drenches everything in seconds with it’s bigger than life drops.

Funny how a rainstorm would start my day off on a brighter note.

I’m going to spend this crazy, messed up, 85 degrees weekend, dancing in the fucking rain from this never ending raincloud that won’t stop following me. I am going to try my hardest to not give in to the sadness and hurt I feel.

I’m sorry.