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I’m finding it harder to ignore the hurt in my soul… I miss you.

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I didn’t realize how much I was hoping for The End of the World until I spent ALL of yesterday waiting for the end to come.

I am pretty sure this was going to be about how I couldn’t think of much else than the end finally coming and this weird sense of calm i got when I thought about how the pain and hurt would maybe finally end. Yesterday was supposed to be my fucking out!

Fuck you End of the World for not following through!!

So now instead of wherever I would be I’m stuck here, in hell on earth, with someone who couldn’t care less about me, faking it while trying to f’ing make it, reminding myself to breathe, longing for US and waiting for the next ‘big catastrophe’ that is going to hit, well wishing actually.

It’s the weekend now, I think, and the holidays on top of that so anytime with you seems impossible and that is depressing. I guess I’m going to throw on some music and get lost in it.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you.
I’m yours.

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I don’t really have words this morning, just happy smiles and tingly everything’s… Thank you. I love you.

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? Am I the only one who feels like they are floating on the clouds? I feel like I have spent the morning with my feet barely touching the ground as I float from task to task with a smile on my face and a tingle in my… everywhere (:

I don’t even know what to say about last night, the early hours of morning, waking at dawn scared and looking for you, like I often do, but you were here so I was lulled back to sleep by the sounds of you sleeping and the warmth of your love; and I am positive I have no words for the wake up you gave me this morning.

You never cease to amaze me with your ability to love, to make love; if there have ever been any words spoken in this universe that I want to believe in they were whispered/moaned/groaned from the love produced from US last night. I truly found myself lost in a jumbled mess of US-ness and it was amazing.

I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know what I have done to deserve a love like yours but I only hope I am worthy of it. I hope I don’t lose it. I feel like we lost a part of US along the way but last night proved that there is nothing lost from US.

I know now what the true loss of US feels like and I will do any and everything for the rest of my days to not feel that agony again. And I think that last night you showed me that you feel the same. I love you. I heard every whispered word and felt every tender touch of yours. Thank you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. Please stay.

I felt US last night. I feel US right now. She is not letting me forget any detail of the last 14 hours and I am sooooo okay with that. Just writing the last few words have my breasts tingling and aching for your touch again. I am seriously having trouble fighting back the tingle. And the thought of having to wait at least 2 more hours is killing me, and that is if you don’t have to do something after work today, well something besides me…

I hope this feeling lasts. I hope the love of US is healing the parts of my soul that need it because I am definitely feeling US in ALL other parts today (:

I love you.

I miss you.

I can’t wait to be with you again. I will be waiting. In my panties. And maybe a pair of heels.

Please don’t make me wait long. I don’t know if I can….

I’m yours.

 

 

 

 

 

Your 1ish is more like 2ish then? Or is it more like when/if you get around to me? Just checking… Oops, seems like a bit of the angry leaked out. I miss you. I love you.

 

I’m sitting here. Waiting for you. Again. I’m always waiting for you lately. I hate it. I hate the uneasiness I get in my stomach when I sit here and wonder if you are going to call or not. And if you don’t, which you usually don’t anymore, and then I have to sit here and go crazy wondering why you aren’t. I of course go to worse case scenario, it’s the half glass empty in me, and the imagination and hurt grow from there.

I write to you a lot in my head. I find myself throughout the day ‘talking’ to you. Saying what I would if you were here. One Thing just came on the freaking radio and I am not even attempting to hold back the tears, there is no point, you are my One Thing. I have no idea what I was saying or writing before because right now all I can think about is US, laying for hours listening to music and each other, falling into a love so deep that the loss of it cant help but be felt in your bones.

I don’t think I was ever really ‘there’ in terms of believing you wouldn’t leave or that the love of US was enough, blah, blah, blah, but I was so close I could almost see it.

But now, now, I can’t even imagine it let alone see it. I feel like you will leave me.

I know you will leave me, because somehow I’ve become unimportant to you.

I don’t think I ever really asked for that much but all of a sudden me just expecting you to answer your phone is appalling and suffocating.

I don’t know how to process that. I don’t know how to go from having you be there for me whenever possible to this, me having to pencil in time with you; and even then you rarely follow through.

I feel like I am in a tailspin. A part of me, the dark, scary, and broken part, finds a sick comfort in your absence. I know how to deal with hurt, lies, and meanness, it’s my thing, I am okay in a horribly sad way with you being AWOL so I try to hide it and keep you at arms distance but the rest of me and my soul, we don’t know what the fuck to do without you.

So I sit here. I miss you. I try to busy myself with music, cleaning, chores, the little ones that own my world, work, and anything else I can to distract me from the hurt of missing you and the darkness that screams you won’t be back because it’s just not worth it.

On a complete me move I have wanted to apologize for my mini breakdown this am. I don’t know what got into me. It could have been the lack of sleep or the not-so-nice words that usually start my mornings, or it could have been that the pain and fear of losing US was just no longer avoidable but whatever the fuck it was I’m sorry. I was mad at myself all day long after that. I hate showing you the weak in me. I hate not being able to just act like I don’t care and that I don’t hurt to the core from missing you and sometimes I cant hold it in and there was a time, in the way distant past, that you cared and wanted to hear what was going on and how I was feeling. And I needed to get it out. I just wish I would have had the time to get it out here, instead of to you. I really don’t need to add to the craziness where you are concerned.

Well, I am going to put an end to this pity party here and call it a night. I have a few chapters left to read in Fifty and I find it so easy to get lost in the love of them. It reminds me so much of the love of US in so many ways. You are my Fifty. I would do anything for you. I will love you no matter what. Forever.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

Take me, I’m yours to keep. Please.


You called. We talked. Kinda. Maybe it was more of you trying to fill the awkward silence while I just tried my hardest to breathe and not let the wall of tears flow because once they did I knew there would be no stopping them.

It was so hard.

The sight of your number on the phone reached in and snatched all life from my core for a few seconds. Having to answer and try to find my voice was almost impossible but somehow I managed and mumbled a hello. As soon as I heard your voice, I miss your voice the most; it was everything in my being to hold it together. All of the hurt, miss, love, lust, want, desire, need, and everything else I have ever felt for US came rushing back and like a dam that had been pushed to its limits for too long and could finally take no more they all hit me and I was lost, drowning, in a sea of US.

I couldn’t find my breath for so long. I found it hard to take a lung full of air at once and had to keep giving myself ‘breaks’ of US so that I didn’t end up a crumbled, pile of tears, on the floor while you witnessed, it’s hard enough to deal with when I don’t have an audience, I want no one to see just how broken my soul is. You tried to make it as painless as possible and of course I was reminded of why I love you so much and the pain from the loss of US stabbed into my soul again.

I think I did an okay job.

I had a little bit of help from the interruption and phone call that I had to deal with for 20 minutes. By the time I was done you were fast asleep. I was a bit relieved, sadly, but being able to lie with you and hear your breaths while they soothed away the ache in my soul was just what I needed so I am definitely not complaining (:

Not often do you fall asleep before me so I enjoyed being able to snuggle in and breathe easy knowing that you were right there. I finally got my turn to whisper soft nothings to you as you sleep. I love the way you would respond to some of my words, be it an in take of breath or a soft moan; it was so easy to tell you all of things I have been holding in for so long now. And I got to finish reading the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, made for a pretty amazing end to a stressful hump day. Thank you Mister.

I got lost in US so easily it’s scary but also something so much more magical. I tried not to fight US. I just laid there and let the love of US wash over me and loved every second of it.

I missed US so much. It felt so right being with you. I realized right then, that no matter where I was in this universe that you would always own a part of my soul. You don’t have a choice, it is yours, and I am yours to keep. I can fight US no longer. I don’t want to fight US any longer.

You finally woke and told me you love me, I was half of a second from protesting when you shut me up, snuggled me, and wrapped me in your love. I have never been so turned on so quickly before; there was something about your words and the way you delivered them so stern and yet full of love, maybe I’m reading too much Fifty… I think you could be my Sir. I know you could. But, you don’t want me anymore…

So, I will continue to live this half alive, barely feeling, numb filled life without US. I have to, I have no other choice. I have tried my hardest to show you how deep my love is for you. I have pulled out some of my best craziest class-5 clinger moves as well, which could explain why you are running for the hills, but I succeed in only pushing you further away and my goal of keeping you was not reached.

I’m so sorry I lost you. I’m sorry that I fought US so hard. I know now that I will never find a love like US and I am learning to accept that, however hard that be.

I love you. I will love you forever, for always, eternally.

You, my dear, are my soul.

I know that even if you don’t find your way back to me now that you will someday, you have too, our souls belong together; and I will be here, yours, when you do. 

I love you. Always.

 

 

 

I’m ready to be in your arms again… Feeling a love only US can.

I love you. I love listening to you. I love hearing you, I really love hearing you (: I love the way you love me. I love the way you calm me or bring me back to US when I most need it.

I miss you. I miss you every second we are apart. I’m sorry we are apart so much.

I love you.

T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…

I often wonder how long you will ‘Understand’… I’m hoping forever. I’m wishing for always. I’m expecting not much longer.

 

So my idea was to get on here and write out all the ugly, nasty, mean words that are floating around in my head but I wont because I know that I am only hurt and sad right now. I know that I am not really angry and wouldn’t mean any of them if I did say them so then having said them would have been for nothing but to be mean. And I am a lot of things but mean is not really one of them. I don’t think anyway.

So instead, all I got for now is an I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being crabby and bitchy and moody and sad and all the other horrible things I have been lately. I need you, I need you bad but I won’t let myself believe it or even think about it really. So I take all the need and turn it into anger, mostly at myself but some a lot of it leaks out and spills onto you and I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry for everything.