I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

Two days into 2013 and still no US… This could be a problem.

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Today was the first full day of 2013 and there was very little US. I’m pretty upset about that but too exhausted to complain much more. That could always change though. I spent the day cleaning house so I could start the year off new.

I started this yesterday I think I don’t know what I was saying so I will start new.
Internet should be here tomorrow but I can’t say I have any faith that it will be so instead I will just wait and see. I’m looking forward to posting from a computer and not a cellphone…
It really is a pain in the ass.

I don’t have much to say, well I do but I don’t think I have the energy to write it out.

I will try again tomorrow…

I miss you. I love you.

I’m yours.

I have a lot to say… Just not the time to say it.

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I miss you.

I might have a few moments to spend with you so I’m not going to write like I was planning on. Instead I’m going to try to snuggle into you.

Even tho you super sucked today!!

I’m yours.

The world hasn’t ended yet… At least I don’t think has but this very well could be hell.

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I can’t stop thinking about reading more of this blog. I want to grab a cup of coffee and curl up with my fuzzy, cozy, warm purple blanket and get lost in the story of US.
But I can’t.
Even after reading just those few post from September the hurt and longing for you came screaming to the surface, making it that much harder to ignore. I’m afraid if I read what I’ve wrote about US the small embers that burn for you will be ignited and well, all hell would surely break loose then. Right?!
So instead I will sit here and try to remember to breathe, reminding myself of all the reasons why I belong on this earth, and fighting to hear anything over the pounding of my heart in my ears.
I’m sorry.  

Some say tomorrow the World may end… My love for US never will. Promise.

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I figure I should I write, the end of the world is coming you know and I would hate to not be able to, what with being dead and all.
I wish I had some great story to write, about how beautiful and wonderful our love story is. But we both know that would be full of shit.
I have distanced myself from you, emotionally mostly but in other ways as well.
I have to.
There is no other way to fight US. If I let myself slip at all and fall into the magic of you it’s almost impossible to shut it out.
I can literally feel you ignite US, from the depths of me I feel the tingle and slow burn of US begin and if I don’t immediately block it out… Well, I don’t really know what would happen because I have always fought it and I’m terrified to find out what would happen otherwise.
So I will continue to fight US. I can’t even write about it any longer because just recalling the feelings and putting them down makes my heart race and my breathing irregular, the butterflies start to flutter and well… Just a bunch of things start happening so as usual I can feel myself begin to shut down.
Had to distract myself and put the writing thing on hold. Things are getting pretty bad if I literally can’t even write about US without the tingle starting. I don’t know how much longer I can fight it. It’s becoming so hard. I’m sorry if my distance is hurting you.
I’m hurting too.
I’m sorry if you feel like I don’t like you anymore or I am moving on or any other silly thought you are having because I’m not. I don’t even know how I could. It seems like there is no way to forget about US, not that I truly want too, it’s like US has branded my soul and there is no way to ignore it.
It is so easy to get lost in you. It is so easy to fall into you and never want out. But I won’t allow that to happen. I can’t…
I want nothing more than to call you up and fall asleep to you. Just the sound of your breathing settles the violent waves that my sea of doubt toss about.
There are many things I miss about you, the soft gentle way you whisper to me, the way your love wraps around me no matter the distance, the way your presence awakens Her and makes get long for you.. It’s happening again. I need to stop myself. I’m sorry. For some reason I feel as though I could write forever but the emotions that are surfacing are scary. And I’m exhausted. Lonely. And you’re not here, yet somehow I feel you all around me…
ugh…. I’m ending this now. Before I say anything (else) I may regret.
I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.
I’m yours…

Dear Death, You can take me now. I’m ready… Unless Moon calls.

You said you would ‘try’ to make time for me tonight. I am so nervous that I can’t really think straight right now.

What you if you don’t make time for me?
What will happen when I have to go another day without hearing your voice, without being able to get lost in you?

Will I be able to survive this without you?

I don’t know.

I don’t think I will.

I don’t think I will be able to keep on existing without you much longer. The part of me that you found and brought  to life is slowly dying and withering to nothing. Life without US has no color. There is no life to this life without you. I simply wake up and somehow robot my way through the day the best way I can, half alive, wishing for death, praying for you, hoping US will find it’s way back to the light.

I don’t have much faith. The believe that you nurtured and loved for so many months is no longer there, it disappeared and all that is left is anxiety, emptiness, and depression.

I can only hope that tonight is the night I get to be in your arms, wrapped in your love, and that I don’t fuck anytime that we have as US up.

That is my biggest fear. I am so nervous to speak to you that I fear I may clam up and then the awkwardness will be so obvious. Why would you want to spend anytime with me when I am a fun-sucking super crier? 

I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your love.

I miss your laugh.

I miss the way you call me Beautiful and Hunny Bun and SnuggleBunny and all the other mushy gushy lovey dovey things that you call me.

I miss getting so lost in US that nothing else exists.

I miss waking up and falling asleep to you.

I miss feeling safe, loved, needed, and most of all wanted.

I miss the way you made me feel like no matter what I was saying, doing, or whatever that I mattered.

I miss feeling you, inside me, wrapped around me, filling me.

I miss everything.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

This song is haunting me on every Pandora channel I turn to… I don’t know how to hide from it, I don’t think I want to.

 

I miss you.

I’m sorry.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xknW3A5LhZ0

 

Me, myself, and I… And maybe You. I’d like that.

I’m listening to you tonight mister. I’m trying my hardest to believe.

I miss you already.

Goodnight Moon. I love you.

 

 

 

Dear Me, I found this and thought you could use a friendly reminder. F U!

I actually wish I could cry. I think if I did then I wouldn’t feel so anxious and I would be able to take a full breath. I feel like I am not able to fully take a breath in anymore, like I am surviving on the least amount of oxygen I can.

It sucks.

I’m sorry. I miss US…