I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

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Oh yea, one of those kind of nights again… Fck. This blows.

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I can find a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that soon there will be very few ‘new’ reminders of you popping up. As of right now I have spent so many years making US a part of my life and it has taken quite sometime to rid myself of the reminders.

I’m sure there will be some sort of reminder pop up of US from time to time for always but soon there will be no more reminders of things we had planned together, things that were coming in the future and we had planned to do them together.

The one coming up soonest is Fifty Shades.

You started reading it with me. I will always think of you when I hear that movie or book. I know you will be too busy making new memories to be reminded about old memories we had made but `I doubt I will be so lucky.

The yucky is setting in when I start to think about all of the things you will promising her and how you promised me the same and so much more.

If it means so when you say it to her why was it different when you said it to me?

How can you vow yourself to someone else when you’ve already done the same to me? Why are you willing to keep your promises to someone else but the ones you made me were disposable?

She deserves more than I? She’s better for you? You’ve more in common with her? Oh booger why bother. .

I know.

It doesn’t matter.

Move on.

Give up.

Never.

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.

 

The T.M.I Award… take 2,332,222,124… you suck WordPress!!

Why when my head is loudest is it so hard to write to you? I would think that with all the screaming thoughts up there I would at least be able to pull something out and get it down. But nope. Not a chance. So I am putting on some Pandora and hoping to remedy that. In lighter news….

I was nominated for The T.M.I Award (:

SexualLifeOfAWife nominated me. I think she ROCKS, and I thought so BEFORE she nominated me (: Thanks so much for nominating me, thank you even more for your kind words and support, you often bring a warmth to my heart with your encouraging words when things are darkest. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (:

She makes some AMAZING lovin’ with her hubby, and you know I am a sucker for A M A Z I N G (: and BARES it all on her blog. Check it out. Now! Hereis the link again in case you didn’t see the first one (:

 

The T.M.I Award

 

Here’s the low down on it….

The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

Here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who presented you with the award.
  •  Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
  •  Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
  •  Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
  •  Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
  •  Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

 

My awkward, embarrassing & intimate story…

OhEmGee… This is still anonymous right?! Hope so, here goes nothing or maybe everything (:

For my birthday a few years back my family and friends through me a little get together at a local bar. Well, I had recently met a new friend in my Psych class that had just moved across country and seemed like a pretty cool chick so I invited her to come along. I didn’t know at the time that she ‘wanted’ me, until we were about 4 drinks in that is. After that it was pretty apparent that she did indeed want to be ‘Lez-be-friends’, which btw I do not have a problem with, I have been known to bat for both teams, just NOT in front of my FAMILY. I spent much of the evening dodging her advances in front of my family except for a drunken moment in the bathroom…

Long story a bit shorter at the end of the evening we have all piled into the DD cars for the night and fuck it, I am calling her Boobs, Boobs got in my car (of course) with my MOM, sister, and my mom’s best friend. I was pretty confident that I had avoided any prying eyes now that the evening was wrapping up.

Boy was I wrong.

As we are driving along home, listening to some music and trying not to get too car sick from all the Pink Panty Droppers we had enjoyed Boob’s not so quietly leans over into my seat and says as LOUD as she fucking can, ‘ Hey, are we still gonna hook up tonight like we talked about in the bathroom?!’

I almost fucking DIED…

I gave her a small smile and completely ignored her question as though I never heard it and hope that everyone else was just as tipsy as I, although my mom was DD…

We did hook up… It was my birthday for fucks sake (:

PS. This took me almost a full 24 hours to get this to post. I don’t know why. But I did and I will be nominating people in the very near future… Sorry if you have already been nominated and also if you don’t want to do it when I nominate you… Fuck it (:

 

The T.M.I Award?! Fo’sho… If WORDPRESS fucking worked right!! Tried to publish 4 TIMES. WordPress KEEPS DELETING THE WHOLE THING!! I will try again tomorrow…FUCK YOU WordPress and Goodnight!!

Today is Valentines Day. I call it Tuesday….

I’m still trying to do this on my own. I miss you so much. It sucks even more. I hope you don’t give up on me. I wonder if you will.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry….

PS. FUCK YOU CANCER & VALENTINE’S DAY


I am trying to fight the demons…

I’m going to stay quiet. I think if I at least do that and avoid putting the demons that are running amok inside my head to actual words then they won’t really exist. I am trying to ignore them. I have been listening to music, watching movies, doing anything and everything really to keep myself busy and not thinking of you. Every hour that passes makes it harder to hold on to my ‘believe’. I hope you aren’t fucking with me because I don’t have the energy right now to make your life as miserable as I will if you are.

Where are you and what are you doing right now my Moon? Rawr…..

Delete one more of my post WordPress and I’m going to Blogspot!!!!!!!!!!

I would start by something chipper like, Hello, or Hi, but… I feel anything but chipper today. I feel like shit actually. I am losing the battle with the Beast I told you about yesterday. I am scared. I am so scared right now.

I sit here listening to music trying to keep my mind from the demons who have invaded my head today. Not that it hasn’t been filled with darkness for awhile now, it has, it has turned to such a darkness that I am scared to be alone now. He haunts me, he stares at me as I try to ‘fake’ it thru my day, He lurks in the shadows, He lingers over my shoulder as I brush my teeth, He is EVERYwhere and I dont know how to escape him for much longer.

 

This post was deleted again by wordpress!! Im so over it, I’m about to switch to another blogging site…. I spent hours letting the demons in my head out only to find out that it wasnt saved. This only pisses me off more. Im too mad to write… I hate you wordpress…. i hate you….

Birth of a New Tradition… a REVOLUTION is born

I recently received this in an email from a friend and thought it was just the POST to go viral this holiday season. So to my new friends please spread the word this is the REVOLUTION we desperately need (:

Christmas 2011 — Birth of a New Tradition

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high
gear to provide Americans with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods —
merchandise that has been produced at the expense of American labor. This
year will be different. This year Americans will give the gift of genuine
concern for other Americans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift
giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by American hands. Yes
there is!

It’s time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in
a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?
Everyone — yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates
from your local American hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It’s appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some
health improvement.

Who wouldn’t appreciate getting their car detailed? Small, American owned
detail shops and car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a
book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down
the Benjamines on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift
receiver would like his driveway sealed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or
driveway plowed all winter, or games at the local golf course.

There are a bazillion owner-run restaurants — all offering gift
certificates. And, if your intended isn’t the fancy eatery sort, what about
a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this
isn’t about big National chains — this is about supporting your home town
Americans with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn’t use an oil change for their car, truck or
motorcycle, done at a shop run by the American working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a
local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could use a tune-up, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is
struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people spin
their own wool and knit them into scarves. They make jewelry, and pottery
and beautiful wooden boxes.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave
your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at
your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese
lights for the house? When you buy a five dollar string of light, about
fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to
burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining American pockets so that
China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about
US, encouraging American small businesses to keep plugging away to follow
their dreams. And, when we care about other Americans, we care about our
communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn’t imagine.
THIS is the new American Christmas tradition.
Forward this to everyone on your mailing list — post it to discussion
groups — throw up a post on Craigslist in the Rants and Raves section in
your city — send it to the editor of your local paper and radio stations,
and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other,
and isn’t that what Christmas is about?