Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

Since you can’t be here to chase away the demons tonight can we at least meet in my nightmares… I mean dreams

I want to write to you. I want to tell you how much I miss you and need you.

But I can’t. I’m sorry.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

Don’t let me go… I’m stupid, I say dumb things, don’t you know you were never supposed to listen to me?

 

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to write. The only thing missing is a glass of wine but I just don’t feel like one so it’s just me, this, and the moon tonight. And I can only think of a few other things I would rather be doing.

I had to change the song because Eminem makes it so easy to be angry so The Fray it is. I think I found the title of my post tonight. Thank you The Fray for speaking the words I can’t. Enough side tracking let me say what I have wanted to say all day.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It actually physically hurts in my bones sometimes, and weird ones that I don’t think I have ever paid attention to before the ache in them gave me no other choice but to notice.

I was interrupted so I have no freaking idea where I was going or what I was saying. I know how I am feeling right now so lets write about that.

I am feeling so many things right now. Most of them are conflicting. I can’t help but to laugh at myself because this is what I have been saying for awhile now. Go out. Do things. Meet people. Find someone to distract you and make time move quickly instead of moving at the speed of sloth like it does for me. Of course the last one hurts the most and causes intense mixed feeling.

I want you to be happy. You are a part of my soul; of course I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. I am learning to accept that is not going to happen so the only other option is for you to find a new Happy with someone else. Even writing it gives me intense anxiety.

I kinda think you already have anyways. I can tell you are distant and I don’t know why but suspect there is a someone instead of something. I don’t really want to put down all the doubts and fears I have about that issue because it makes it too real for me.

My sleep literally consists of a series of mini nightmares. All of which consist of you, me, and someone or thing that is keeping us apart. Sometimes it is you making the choice to stay away and those ones are the worst. I don’t usually fall back to sleep after those ones. There is not much in the universe that could put me back to sleep after one of those. I can’t even hide from the pain of losing US in my sleep. There is no escaping the ache in my soul. I can fake it when I have to but there is no faking in the silent darkness of night, when the screams in my head are louder than any noise made.

You are the only one who can silence the screams and soothe my soul. And nothing hurts more than knowing that there will be no silence or soothing for either. US was lost. US was is broken.

Fuck. Interrupted again.

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you. Like I have never loved another soul, and probably never will.  

One, two, Freddy’s coming for you… Nine, ten…

I wish I was little and scary movies were the maker of my nightmares. Now reality produces scarier scenes.

I’ll take Elm Street over this shit any day. Freddy would never have a chance… I don’t sleep anymore anyway.

I  miss US.

I’m sorry.