I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

I haven’t cried for US in almost a week now, you don’t linger in my every thought… I’m finally letting you go like you did to me so many moons ago.

see that girl I’m eating popcorn and Butterfinger Bites washing em down with good ol’ h2O while watching the Bachelor.

Don’t judge.

I’m trying not to hate on love.

I’m trying not to hate on you. I think it’s working, for the most part. I mean.. I still haven’t really shed any tears for you/US. I still feel ‘okay’.

I have dreamt of you the last several nights. They have been odd. I don’t really remember much about them, I know that we are not a couple usually. For the first time in forever when I wake up I’m not begging and screaming for you, there aren’t tears running down my face and I’m not gasping for breath.

But the sadness is still there sometimes.

These feelings of ‘okay’ are so taboo for me that I am silently waiting for all the pain/tears/hurt/sadness/darkness from the loss of US to come slamming back but I kinda don’t think it will and I am more than ready to accept that.

I can finally see a future without you in it. I can finally see a day where I’m not looking/waiting for you every second.I have finally went days without crying for you. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

My soul screams sad.

My mind longs for happy.

I’m not feeling anything.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m hoping by letting go of you and feeling everything without trying to deny or ignore I’m going to be able to love better after this.

One of my biggest fears is I won’t be able to love again. But i think by doing this the right way and not running and pretending to love the closest thing i can, that in the end the love i will be able to offer will be real honest and true.

I won’t tell someone they’re my everything and my world, that i couldn’t live without them or imagine a world without our love only to tell someone else those exact same things almost simultaneously, like you did.

The next time i tell those things to someone I’ll mean them.

Just like i did with you every time i said them, right up until you finally got caught and had to tell me you’d been lying and cheating on me. And still even after, when my heart and soul wouldn’t give up and the love we shared still lingered, I meant it then too. I always have and always will.

I’m feeling more alone & alive than ever and I’m terrified… You should be too.

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It’s been way too fucking long….

TGIF?

TGImstillaliveandbarelybreathing is more like it..

It’s just me… The one who wanted nothing more than to be with you. Past tense.

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I have wanted to write all day. I have NEEDED to write all day. I just haven’t had the time or energy to do it. I have had to pick myself up off the floor, more than once, today and remind myself just to breathe. Literally.

I don’t know how to put into words what I am feeling. Crushed/broken/shattered/alone/empty/numb/burning/dying/afraid… do I need to keep going? Probably not but I most likely will…

Today has been one of the most emotionally exhausting days I have had, well this year I guess, but seriously in like EVER. The way I felt this morning… Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I can still remember the cold sweat that broke out all over. The way the blood sounded rushing through my ears. The stabbing sensation in the pit of my soul. The hurt that seeped into my bones. I can remember it all. Its running on replay in my mind. Even now, just writing about it, brings the horrible feeling in my stomach. The feeling that nothing is right and it never will be again.

When we said goodbye tonight the oddest thing happened. It was like I could feel you leaving me. It felt like the strangest thing, like a tingling, empty feeling all over my body. I cab only describe it as US being torn from my soul.

Weird. Strange. Crazy. I know.

I know there is so much more to say but i don’t have the energy. My eyes hurt so bad they sting and burn. But as soon as I close them scenes of you calling her baby; using the mouth, that said so many wonderful, beautiful, amazing things to me, on HER vagina; walking with her; telling her you miss her; and every other ducked up thing that is playing in fucking repeat.

I need to sleep. I need to escape this.

I hate that you’re possibly snug as a bug, thinking of her, and dreaming sweet dreams. I hate that you talked about me, and how I wanted nothing more than to be with you, like it was a bad thing; like you were annoyed that I wanted you, while she wanted nothing to do with you.

Fuck you.

I loved you with every ounce of my being. From the very depths of my soul.

For nothing.

Why?!

Sad Beautiful Tragic… The new story of US.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMZl50gQTuI

Oh my do I have shit to say. But I’m shaking/crying/sobbing too hard at the moment.

Thanks Pandora for not being a bitch today and playing that one song…

You know the one right? The one that was made for US… but you tainted and made it cheap and worth nothing but a fuck and, apparently, some mind blowing/dont stop/never want to stop cunnilingus… With someone ELSE.

Fuck you.

Remember that everytime you think of me.

I’m walking through this fucking fire, head up, soul bared, screaming fuck you….

I hear you say you love me, I feel your love (sometimes), but I miss your voice so much… Will we ever spend time as US again?

I feel like I am on my knees, crawling, begging, you to spend time with me. I am sometimes rewarded with some. Saturday I got hours, yep I said hours, with you but it’s not enough. I want to not be second, third, or whatever worse I am to you right now. I want to not have to hear, ‘ I don’t know yet, I have to check with ______ ,insert your friends name here, and I will let you know’.

Really?

Why don’t I matter? Why do I have to beg and wait to spend some time with you?

I know that I say I love you. And I do. But do you really think I will sit here and play second to your buddies? Because I won’t.

I will love you forever. I will like you for always. But if you keep me waiting… who knows.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

I miss you. I am so sorry this is what US has become. I love you.

I’m back. Somehow I have made it through the last 5 days without you. I don’t know how. I’m pretty sure that being away from civilization helped, no cell service or electricity makes it easy to not be tempted to check for missed voicemail or emails from you. I like camping. I love camping. Having to do something every waking moment makes it a bit easier to not feel the hurt from missing you. I was a busy little bee this weekend and it was fabulous. We spent hours in the forests hiking and swimming in the river. The little ones went off the beaten path, with a bit of encouragement from Mama Bear of course, I mean, how did I know that we would end up having to pull ourselves up the forest slopes by freaking vines; good thing they are such good little monkeys (:

I love waking up with the sun beating in on my face and the warmth wrapping itself around me. I love hearing the rush of the river all day long. I love the way the river lulls me to sleep with its never ending waters. But I loved sitting in the light of the moonlight EVERY night the most. Unlike my last outdoors experience where the moon was MIA, this time I was bathed in moonlight from sundown almost it seemed. I sat under the last blue moon until 2015 and let the hurt of missing you seep from my bones. That was really the only time I let myself feel the hurt or even think of you. When thoughts of you crept into my mind throughout the day I immediately pushed them to the back and busied myself with the never ending task of camp living.

It worked. Until I got into cell service and the message indicator let me know that I had two new voicemails. I struggled with listening to the messages and just turning off the phone again. I listened. Of course. I cried huge tears at the sound of your voice and the words you spoke. My heart ached with longing for you. I wanted to run to you and have you wrap your love around me and melt away all the pain and hurt I feel from missing you. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I did try to call you. I did try to return the messages and just tell you that I missed you and loved you and that I decided while strolling through the darkness of the forest bathed in the beautiful moonlight that with my Moon is where I belong. That I wanted to forgive and move on and not let the love US die because of some silly fight. I wanted to believe that we were stronger than some argument and that US would overcome this and being stronger for it.

But you didn’t answer. Again. You didn’t message or text when I am pretty sure you knew it was I that was calling. So, immediately, the believe in me was deflated quicker than a popped balloon and I sent you a text message asking you to just be gone. Because that is what you are anyway. You are gone. You are never there when I call. You are only there at your convenience and I want deserve better than that. I don’t want someone who is always trying to make it up to me. I want someone who is there. Always. Not only when their nether parts are lonely. You, of course, responded to that text.

I almost immediately received back a 7 part txt. Shocking. You somehow, in the midst of working, had the time to send me a 7 part text message JUST FUCKING INFORMING ME (your words) that you never wanted to hurt me, and blah, blah, blah, and that fine if I want you to leave me alone (HA! I want you to leave me alone? YOU already ‘leave me alone’ for days at a time, only it’s on your terms, so apparently that is okay) then you will. And that I you’re supposed to go fuck off. But you have wrong. You have it so wrong. I never wanted you to leave. I never wanted you to go away. I wanted you to keep holding on. I wanted you to be real. I wanted the love of US to endure anything and come out stronger and more powerful than ever.

I’m sorry.

I have to go now.

Back to life. Back to reality. Fuck reality.

Can someone please take me back to the fucking woods and leave me?

I love you.

 

 

 

I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

If someone could wash away the pain of today that would be nice… And also add a ‘you don’t want to hit send’ button for me. K-Thanks

I just got a response from the text I just sent you and I’m having anxiety over reading it. I don’t think I want to know what it says. I mean really it doesn’t matter anymore what it says because no matter what you took the time to send me a response. You didn’t ignore me. You didn’t blow me off and act like I didn’t text you. You sent me some kind of response and that is all that I really need right now.

The Text:

Yes I am just hanging out with P tonight please!!!!!

My Response:

ummm.... okay
was it necessary to add the SIX exclamation points?
oh yea, and are you talking about the P that 
you LIVE with? 
That you can see anytime you want by say, 
I dunno fucking walking down the hall?
oh.. yea, that is what I thought.
because it's not like it's important that we talk or 
anything before I leave for 4 days right?
It's not like you said you would always be there or 
anything for me.
Oh, wait, that is exactly what you fucking said. 
Good thing I didnt believe any of the bullshit you fed me.
Oh, I wanted to believe it, I almost did, 
I almost believed that forever, unconditional, 
love existed but how quickly that fire can put out huh? 
If only the memory 
and want for you disappeared as quickly as your 
love for me did.
why not just say that 
you are done instead of making 
me wait for nothing?

So apparently the fact that there was a response was quickly lost when the hurt set in. You have rarely been mean or rude to me. I don’t know that I can actually recall a time that you have been rude to me, before the last few weeks that is. But now, I am met with ignored phone calls, unreturned texts, and NOTHING.

I am sure that there will be no further response now. I don’t know how I feel about that. I just keep pushing. Of course a part is relieved because if you continue to ignore me then eventually I will give up right? I mean that is what you did. You gave up.

I think I told you once that I would fight for you if anything were to ever happen. That I would never let you walk away without looking back like she did. That I would hold on kicking and screaming my love for you. But now, well; now I just feel silly for chasing someone who doesn’t want me. Which in turn makes me feel silly for all the moments that we shared that I thought were real?

It is starting to make sense why I have such a hard time being US like we used to. Because I don’t really believe that US is real anymore and I feel stupid for showing you apart of my soul. You my dear have seen parts of me that I have never shown another and probably never will again.

This is so all over the place. I guess I will just end it now.

T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…