I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

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I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…

I can’t even get my nails did without thinking of you… FML

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Just sitting here waiting for my turn to be pampered and I’m about to have a breakdown. While going thru the wheel of colors I had to stop myself from thinking what color you’d like, and that quickly turned to panic because you’d never see them, you won’t even know I had them done, and that is so sad to me. The music blaring in my ears with my headphones on, so I don’t have to interact with anyone more than necessary, isn’t really working either…

THERE IS NO ESCAPING IT….

Back to trying to distract I think I’m going with green or blue I’m trying to avoid any color that is to happy. I really want black but I don’t know if they have it…

I feel like I’m on a crazy train. And it’s not the good kind…

I’m not missing You… You’re missing from Me.

cheaters

I’m sitting here trying to not go crazy. It’s not working. I beg you to leave when we are talking but as soon as you you’re gone I panic. What is wrong with me?

I can’t forget.

I can forgive. I have already forgiven. I may have forgiven you before I ever knew but I can’t fucking FORGET! No matter how hard I try. And I do try. Please believe that. I try. And my ignoring it or not mentioning it makes it seem like I am fine and that every thing is okay but its not! It’s not at all. There is nothing okay with me right now.

I can’t stop thinking that every time your text goes off or your phone rings that it’s Her. I can’t stop thinking about all of the things you used to say to me that you MUST have said to Her too. I can’t stop thinking of how I was laying in bed, exhausted, miserable, barely making it while YOU were holding her in your arms and thanking Her for letting you?! I can’t stop thinking of how I was going through some of the darkest times in my life, needing US, begging for US at times, calling you over and over again (not my proudest moment), texting, emailing, crying, all of these things and more while you were WITH HER!!

It disgusts me.

All of those things and the million more that run through my head make me fucking sick.

You beg for a chance… Another.  

You want to show me how you would never hurt me… Again.

You want to let me know that I am the only one for you… Now.

You want me to trust you… Gag.

You want me to let you love me… Puke.

This is seriously how my brain is right now. and I try my hardest to not let the cRaZy out but I’m getting worse at holding it in. A part of me wants to show you all the crazy I got so that you will hightail it out of here now instead of later.

Because really, that is what it all comes down to.

You are going to leave again.

There is going to be another Her.

You will decide, again, that I’m not worth it anymore.

There is no such thing as forever. I don’t believe in it. you can’t make me believe in US. I tried. I almost believed. You almost had me with all of your love bullshit but the truth came out. your true colors shined bright. And there is nothing you can do to change my mind.

You’re trying. You’re trying to make me believe. There are times that I almost believe you but the panic sets in and the fear takes over and the believe is quickly lost.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if you mean all that you say.

I’m sorry if you really, truly, love me.

I’m sorry that I don’t have anymore believe baby.

I wish I did.

I love you.

I’m yours.

 

Chills, shortness of breath, chest pain, tingling and I don’t mean the good kind… Just to name a few.

Panic attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame — up to 10 minutes — and associated with at least four of the following:

  • Sudden overwhelming fear
  • Palpitations
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Shortness of breath
  • Sense of choking
  • Chest pain
  • Nausea
  • Dizziness
  • A feeling of being detached from the world (derealization)
  • Fear of dying
  • Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
  • Chills or hot flushes

Generalized anxiety disorder is excessive and unrealistic worry over a period of at least six months associated with three of the following:

  • Restlessness
  • Easy fatigue
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Irritability or explosive anger
  • Muscle tension
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Personality changes such as becoming less social
So I finally gave in and Google’d some info on panic attacks and posted it.

I went to WebMd.com because isn’t that what you are supposed to do if you think there is something wrong with you? Who gets professional help anymore when you are sick or need something when you could easily self diagnose yourself at home from the comfort of your own bed? So, I am pretty sure that I am in fact having panic attacks, at least according to WebMD I am. I have made the symptoms I experienced in bold; of course I haven’t had them ALL at the same time. I am nauseous all the time and I have been known to be dizzy a time or two but not today or yesterday, that I can remember. I don’t really sleep much more but I do take some pretty amazing naps. Oh, yea and I guess sometimes I have been known to lose my train of thought, is it bad that sometimes its actually mid sentence? But as for the others I guess they are pretty spot on. Now I have a feeling that the above symptoms could mean a ton of other things but since I only Googled Panic attacks and not each symptom I have been experiencing an I am feeling extremely anxious lately I will just go with they are panic attacks and leave it at that. I refuse to let myself start to get trapped in the crazy world of ‘self diagnoses’ I can only imagine what I would come up with (:

I also posted the part about anxiety disorder because they were on the same little blip and since we are diagnosing we best be thorough. Luckily, I don’t feel like I have anxiety disorder because I don’t believe that my worry is unrealistic. I may be wrong about that and if good old Dr. WebMD could actually interact with me he may diagnose me differently but I don’t think so and since I am the doctor here, what I say goes. The joys of technology and modern medicine.

So lets be honest here the only reason I Google’d this shit was because I had to because I was starting a full on attack with you on the phone! And I knew there was no way I would be able to hide it and there is an even bigger NO way that I was going to let you have to witness that bullshit. So I tried to get out as quickly as possible without hurting you or your feelings but I finally had to just go and I am sorry for that.

I am sorry that I am a bitch sometimes. I am not always going to be nice and chipper and I am sure positive that I am going to piss you off at some point. I mean at some point I am going to do or say something that you aren’t going to agree with but I don’t think you will tell me. I think you are too nervous to upset me because I am so loony right now. I don’t think you would openly disagree with anything I say or do and that is only going to be worse for US in the long run, which gives me more anxiety, because if you hold it all in for me that is not good for YOU. And I want you to be as good to yourself as you are to me.

You deserve just as much as you think I do. And that is why I don’t think I am the best for you because I don’t know if I will ever be as good at loving as you are. I don’t think I will ever be able to openly love as well as you. You have set the bar so high I don’t think I could ever reach it. I want as much for you as you wants for me Moon, and I am so scared I won’t be able to give it to you. I am so so so so so so sorry for that.

I’m sorry that this happened today. I am sorry that I wasn’t able to hide it better or get off the phone sooner. I know we had such high hopes for today. Well, I know I did. And now I feel like I have ruined today. Ugh… I don’t know what else to say right now. I am exhausted. I guess 4 hours of sleep will do that to ya.

I love you. I love you so much. I am so tired.