The drought was the very worst… Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it.

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Dear Universe,

I’m at such a different place than I was 10 months ago.

I go hours/days/weeks/months without being dropped to my knees from the hurt anymore.

It was a struggle, to say the least, to get here.

I had the highest of high and the lowest of lows.

But I didn’t rush myself.

I didn’t push myself to hurry the process.

I tried my hardest to not deny the feelings felt.

It was tough, it still is, but I can say that I have fully accepted US for what it was.

I have really spent the last few months focusing on myself. I have more posts than one should in my Drafts folder and I just kind of post them when I can. I don’t always read them through, usually I just end up adding the tags, or titling and then publishing so I apologize for all of the wacky craziness you have dealt with the past several months.

I may have some sort of peace with US now but that is no way how things are in other aspects of my life right now.

It’s pretty opposite actually.

I have some crazy family stuff happening. I have more Baby Daddy drama than one person should ever have to deal with and summer is just around the corner. I have to somehow entertain 3 littles for months without any harm, to them or myself lol, I’m guessing there will be an abundance of things to write about soon. There already is I’m sure but I’m having a hard time writing about anything else. It’s like I have writers block when it comes to writing about anything…

I’m gonna go snuggle my Babydoll. I missed her like crazy today and we get to sleep in for the next 3 DAYS!!! (I may or may not be excited about that) I’m gonna put on some Real Housewives of New York/Terra’s Little Family/Little Woman NY (or however many I can get thru before I pass out) and zone out with my dolly.

Goodnight world.

Thanks for not giving up on me.

PS. Clean by Taylor Swift has been one of faves since the first time I played the album thru but it has spoke directly to my soul the last few weeks/month. Learning to unlove Moon was like overcoming an addiction for me, I had become addicted to having him in my life. It was easy to become addicted. I lived/breathed/loved everything Moon for a very long time. He was my drug. He made whatever fucked up seemed not so fucking bad. Anyways this wasn’t about Moon this was about my soul sister Taylor and her beautiful music. I play this song with the windows down and the volume on full blast any chance I can lately. It saves me. Thank you Taylor, for saving me.

Clean

By Taylor Swift

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth, ah ah
You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

There was nothing left to do, ah ah
When the butterflies turned to dust, they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof, ah ah
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean, ah
Said, I think I am finally clean, ah

Ten months sober, I must admit
Just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it
Ten months older I won’t give in
Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it

The drought was the very worst, ah ah
When the flowers that we’d grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Finally clean, think I’m finally clean, ah ah
Think I’m finally clean

Swirling, twirling, thoughts and sleepless nights… again.

I got your text messages tonight. I have mixed feelings about them. I know that it was gracious of you to even take time out of what you are doing to message me and I want to thank you for that. Now, that being said, do you think you could have given me SOME kind of info on the events of the weekend? Something, anything!?! I got 3 texts from you. Two I Miss yous and an I love you. Ummm… thanks. I guess. I know that I am being an ungrateful bitch but sorry I would like to know something. I mean you would think that a grown ass man would be able to find 4 minutes to call the ‘Woman they love with their everything’ and give her some kind of info on what happened, and most importantly how are you? Are you okay? How is Little Man? I have been thinking of him all weekend.

I am so sad I haven’t been out of bed much other than to snuggle with the baby. Oh, the baby. I almost forgot I got to snuggle him tonight. He came over and spent some much needed snuggle time with me. I am so happy; it got me through the night. I was able to kiss & hug, tickle & play, and get him to do his adorable baby giggle. He made me forget how sad my soul was. Thanks baby DD-bug you brighten my day always.

I am sure when I do talk to you again you will be full of explanations. You will have a story about how you had to do this, or that, or blah fuckity, blah, blah, blah. Or maybe, you will just say what you did last time and say, ‘yea, I could have got a hold of you, I am sorry, I should, I am sorry baby.’ But will I except this time? That is the question.

My sadness is turning this ugly again. I am sorry. I do believe. I do miss you. I do hope that whatever happened you feel like it was what was right for you and Little Man. I am sorry that I am so needy. I am sorry I am a class 5 clinger. I am sorry that the monsters take over sometimes. I am sorry that I am too weak when you are gone for too long. I am sorry that I have been a wreck these past few days. I am so sorry for all of my fear, my doubts.

I am sure that this weekend’s events, whatever happened, were not pleasant for you in most ways. I am sure you are feeling very liberated in others. I hope you find yourself in all of this. I hope you are happy and at peace.

I miss you my Moon. Rawr…