Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

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I’m still here… Kinda.

feel so empty

 

I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

No title. I tried, really I did.

image

Can’t sleep.

Opened the door from my bedroom to go outside trying to escape.

But there’s no escaping you.

The moon is shining so bright on me I’m almost lit up.

I wanted to cry but I grabbed my phone instead and snapped the picture I posted above.

I stood there until it slowly crept out of sight.

Trying to sleep now before the sun rises.

You said I shouldn’t give up but it seems like you already did.

Why am I not giving up?

http:// http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

You came back and we live happily ever after… April Fools

image

I’m convinced you do things just to hurt me now. You don’t want to take the time to answer the phone when I call or to respond to a text I send but you will take the time to record a video to send to me with the message attached ‘here babe’…

Seriously?!

That is what I am worth to you now? You want to throw a 2 minute video to me satisfy me for a while so I leave you alone?

Well you got what you wanted.

I’m leaving you alone.

I will no longer sit here and try to convince you of my love. I have done everything I could. I have begged and cried. I have told you I’m sorry over and over.

You didn’t care. You don’t care.

4 months is a long time.

Long enough to decide if someone is worth fighting for.

Years from now when we look back at this time in our lives I can honestly say that I fought for US as hard as I could. I held on for as long as could kicking and screaming.

Will  you be able to say the same thing?

I’m so sad… I don’t know why we keep having the same fight.

sometime

I have too much to say…

I’m pretty fucking sure you could find most of what I have to say if you read through the blog. I’ve pretty much said it all before.

I wish your actions matched your words.

I wish your words weren’t full of lies.

Ugh…

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

image

Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

I wrote to you on a picture I took tonight… I love you.

image

I love you. I can’t believe another year has come and gone and yet here you still are…

I love you.

Happy New Year my Moon.

Shut up and take it like a good girl… Not the best way to start your morning. US would never start a morning this way.

My head hurts, my eyes are swollen, puffy, and achy, and I just want to fall back into your arms and let you love away the pain of life like you did last night. 

The early light of morning brought with it the cold reality that I wouldn’t be able to snuggle into the love US and hide forever. I had to face the day with my false smile and black sunglasses. I had to sit there and shut up and listen to and do what I was told. And it sucked. I hate it. I don’t know how much more of it I can take before I really do break.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for swooping in, wrapping your arms around me and kissing and loving away the sadness and hurt. I don’t care about anything as long as I have your arms and love to return to. I wish I could spend every night surrounded in your love.

Even though yesterday was a crappy day I slept knowing that you were right beside me, loving me, holding me, and never letting me go.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

Just because I didn’t answer with words doesn’t mean She didn’t answer… But people are people and sometimes they change their minds.

The question now is…

Do you want me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnXrfksTjZ8

 

 

 

Yup wonderful dreams, that’s what I have… Look I made a funny.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Yes I do. I am in love with you. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to continue to deny it.

IT CAN NEVER BE.

I have to almost drown you out with music when we talk now. Too many times I find myself having to fight the flutter I feel of US. Too often I have to take a ‘time-out’ and try to collect myself. Almost every word you speak sends sparks to my soul that ignite a whole shit load of other reactions I am so distracted by that I miss what you say and end up having to ask you to repeat it, which could also be a bad idea depending on the type of ridiculous thing you say.

Fuck. I even find it difficult to just sit with you, in silence. Are you fucking serious? I can’t even sit in silence with you? Nope, can’t. It’s too US. I find this weird calming/relaxing/ safe-ish feeling with you and it sends me into panic. What if I start to believe the bullshit of US again and you decide you get ‘too busy’ for me again? Just thinking about it I find it hard to take a full breath. So I shut down.

You’ll never guess what the fuck Pandora is playingWhat a bitch!

I miss US.

I’m sorry.