Mission Push Moon Away: Complete – insert broken heart/soul/being here… I’m sorry, I want you back. I’m yours forever.

I have always heard be careful what you wish for. I should have been told be careful when you PUSH…

I know that I was trying to push you away. I know that I said to leave me alone, that I wanted to be ME but I was wrong. I found who I want to be. And it is US. I want to be US. I have never wanted anything so bad before.

And it’s too late.

I pushed too hard.

I let too much crazy out.

And now I have to try to pick myself up off the floor, literally sometimes, and try to rebuild my broken soul.

I can do. I WILL do it.

I just don’t fucking want too.

I want you to pick me up, dust me off, kiss me, hold me, love me, fuck me, and never leave me again…

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry  

 

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make this May 3rd as A M A Z I N G as last year. I love you. I’m sorry.

I miss you. I miss being able to be free with you. Things used to be so much easier. Before all the fucking guilt set in. there are so many horrible things going through my head right now. And every one of them has something to do with guilt. Let us not forget that bitch Karma who keeps fucking haunting me. Is all of this happening because of Karma? I believe in Karma. I always have. So why is it so hard for me to accept that Karma just might be giving me the bitch slap I deserve right now? Why do I find myself trying to pretend like I don’t believe such a slutty beast like Karma could even exist because she most certainly does? She is giving me a huge fuck you as we speak write. And I know that I deserve it.

And so I will continue to push you away while I attempt to battle this beast and find Me.

I missed you today. I found myself drifting off getting lost in memories of last May 3rd. A blush would creep into my cheeks, my breath would quicken, my pulse would race, and She almost reminded me of your tingle. I found myself having to wipe away quite a few tears as well. I miss being with you. I miss being US.

I am slowly accepting that things just might never go back to the way US once was. It hurts. It takes my breath as I am choked with tears. It brings me to my knees. But, I know that I have to do this. I know that I want have to do this on my own.

I know you don’t understand why but thank you so much for allowing me to do this and giving me the space I need right now. I don’t deserve the patience and understanding you show me.

 I am so sorry if you are hurting because of me. I am hurting too. I know that doesn’t make it better or justify the hurt you feel and I am so sorry.

I love you.

 

I’m sorry. I hate that you hate me. I hate me too… I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying it but I am.

I love you.

A silence broken. Maybe you like my silence better. I do.

I’m back from the dead. I think. I am pretty sure I know what it feels like to die now. Or at least I now know what it feels like to beg to be done and for someone to end it. I spent days writhing in pain, begging for some one or thing to take the pain and fever away. I have never felt the pain in my joints and muscles like I felt when I was sick. I even thought someone was trying to poison me at one point.  I was ready to be taken to the hospital. Or to die. Whichever could happen fastest? And I was like this for days. I ate 5 saltines in about 3 days. It was bad. And the stress from Hurricane Black didn’t help I am sure.  I had no idea the flu could bring a grown woman to a crying sobbing mess.

Writing doesn’t comfort me the way it used to. I don’t understand why. I want to write so badly. I want to be able to feel that release I would feel after getting everything out but I can’t. And I think it is going to drive me crazy. I know that this HUGE case of block is not helping but I feel like it might be more than that.

Perhaps it is that I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to ‘fake’ it here in my writing. I am a pro at flipping on the fake when needed, as long as I have my props, sunglasses and fake smiles. But when it comes to writing, well, I can’t fake this shit. When I write it is from the now, the real, the raw, and most of the times the oh so fucking ugly. And I feel like I have been so full of ugly for so long that I try to write ‘pretty’. But when I attempt to sort through the mess and pick out the good and the pretty I find myself lost in the blackness and feel like I am swallowed whole and then all the pretty is lost and I feel like I have nothing. So nothing is what I write.

I find that the silence is not even an option any longer. So there is always music on. Loud. Really loud. I avoid sitting. I try to keep my mind and body as busy as possible. Even now I feel like I should be up cleaning but since I have a load in both the washer and dryer and everything already folded and put away I am trying to convince myself that it is okay to sit here and get some shit out. So sit I am. With the music blaring. And the cursor blinking.

So shit is pretty messy here. I have been writing about it. I am just keeping them in a folder for now. Perhaps a blog will be born someday from them. But for now they will stayed buried where all things, dark, scary, shameful, and full of black belong, in a folder hidden on my computer.

I am battling this the only way I can. By the seat of my fucking pants. Fist flying. I still need to battle this beast on my own though.

I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I need to do this to prove that I am not the things I am told I am. And that I am everything I am told I can never be.

I need to find me. I don’t know where to even begin but I know that 5 years is a long time to be wandering lost and I am ready to find the way back to the living.

I am so sorry. I know you beg me to not push. To not give up. And I want you to know that I am not giving up on US. But I need to find ME and fix what happened here while I was so busy lost in US. I am not giving up though. I hope that after I can stand on my own two feet, all by myself with no help, we will find our way back to US. I in no way expect you to ‘wait’ for me. And if you don’t. I understand. But I can’t be distracted right now. And you distract me. US distracts me.

I was so lost in US that I didn’t see how terrible things were here. I was so busy lost in the tingles, the stolen breaths’, and sparkles that I didn’t see my world deteriorating around me.

So now, when you whisper your words and they fall over me like a soft blanket I start to panic. I am so scared that I will get lost in US again and the blackness will take over again and I will be too distracted to see. And we both know how easily I fall into US. Was it not just last night that I startled awake not remembering how I fell into such a peaceful slumber? I can’t allow that to happen. I don’t fall asleep with out tossing and turning and it makes it so much harder to do this alone when I am reminded of what US feels like.

I have been avoiding all things internet related. For days. If I avoid the internet I am not temped to message you. And since my cell phone has been MIA since I survived the flu from fucking hell last week and I haven’t ‘had the time’ to look for it then texting is not an option. Add that I have been avoiding this place like the BLACK fucking plague, because it is so full of black, and it appears that plan No Contact has been fairly successful.

Sorry about that. But I have to battle this dark, blackness filled, depression inducing fucking beast on my own.

I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry. I hope you understand why I have to do this.

Goodnight my Moon. Please don’t hate me.

 

All I got to say is…

I have been attempting to write for quite some days now. Nothing has come of it except a bunch of deleted jumbled rubbish. Seeing as how I am not really one to force it or have to ‘fake’ anymore than I already do I choose to say Fuck it!

And hopefully get entirely too intoxicated tonight at the ‘dildo party’ to care.

So, off I am to hoochie my self up for a wild night of booze, boobs, and things that go buzzz zzzzzzz (:

I love you. I need you. I am sorry I push, thank you for holding tight.

P.S. Your call just now put a smile on my face. I love you. I just wish I knew how to let you love me….

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.

I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?

Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!

I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.

No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.

Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.

I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER  showing me how it is done (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, that’s what you do just swim, swim, swim… or else you’ll sink.

Why do I feel like sinking is the only option? I have this amazing amount of love from you and yet I want to sink to the bottom of the fucking sea?!? Maybe I haven’t had enough US lately. Maybe I have had too much US lately.

Maybe… just fucking maybe… I’m too MUCH for US….

I miss you. I love you. I don’t know if I will ever understand your love. I am hoping I can figure it out sooner rather than later. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for being so in love with ME. All of me. I love you for that. More than you will ever know and more than I will ever be able to express.

Goodnight my Moon. I miss you already… I love you even more.

You are my… ONE.

Hey Moon, I’m starting to question everything again. I am falling deeper into you and the farther I sink the tighter my throat feels. I feel like I’m suffocating sometimes, like I can’t take a deep breath, my pulse races, the voices get louder, and I am never rested because I can’t fucking sleep for anything,I take that last one back because there is ONE thing that makes me sleep…. Which brings us right back to the beginning where the panic sets in and the freaking cycle continues.

You say you love me. You show me you love me. You continue to amaze me, truly amaze me, with your words and actions but I still want to run and be alone.

I don’t know how to let someone love me the way you do.

Five years gives you the time to build a pretty big wall and I did nothing but work on that wall for years. There were a few times I let someone try to get over, under, through a crack, but I was always disappointed and never really felt anything when they were gone or done with me at least it seems like nothing to me now since I have experienced the pain of losing you. How ridiculous that I cant even remember another heart break before you.

R I D I C U L O U S-N E S S I tell ya.

Of course that would be why I am so scared to let myself fall deeper. I feel like if I stay or try to pull back from where I am now then maybe, just maybe, I could survive it. Because I am still convinced that you are not mine to keep. That I am just getting you for a bit too see how good it could be but you will be taken from me in the end, like some sick joke. I just don’t understand how you could and would WANT to love me forever. That just doesn’t happen to me or at least it hasn’t. Maybe it does happen. Maybe there is such a thing outside of Hollywood but I don’t believe it. And that my dear, is really sad. Because if anyone could ever convince me it would be you and I am trying my hardest to push you away, even sadder… or is it more sad? Did we have this conversation already because I kinda feel like we have (: Spell check says sadder ((:

Waking up to you Sunday and then spending the whole morning/afternoon with you was A M A Z I N G. I can’t think of any better way to wake up and spend a Sunday. And yet I still try to push…

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I am just going to keep beating myself up on here so I guess I will end this now before I get too crazy (: and we BOTH know that is a possibility, especially for the next few days (:

I am sorry for all of this. For all of the pushing. Please don’t ever think that I don’t know or appreciate the love you show me because I do. I am feeling blessed to be loved by you; I just have a hard time believing I deserve it and that it is here to stay. I’m so sorry I am so broken. I tried to tell you….

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you. I hope you keep me forever………