Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

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We’ve somehow weathered the last 4 days… Will we weather many more?

how awful you made me feel

I’m so confused.

I don’t have any idea what I should do. The US inside me that is trying to fight to survive is telling me to just find my answers in your arms and love but… the part of me that no longer believes in anything ‘US’ related wants me to man up and quit being a whiney bitch and let you go.

So what do I do?

Because without you I find myself crumpled on the floor but when we are together I find myself going crazy doubting and questioning everything. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G!!!

And sleep? That is a fucking joke right now. How can I sleep when the silence and stillness makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I’m not even kidding. I seriously am going to lose my fucking mind.

And I’m pretty much okay with that.

If I lose my mind then I guess I wont have to deal with the shit that is running around up there.

This is going to be so fucking crazy and all over the place because no matter how much I say that I want to run away and let US go and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah….

I want US more than anything.

I don’t want to give up.

I want to believe.

I want to feel US like I used to.

I want to feel you touch places and bring them alive like no one else can.

I want to not hurt from the depths of my soul.

I want to not think that every time you are apart from you are with HER.

I want to be your number one… Not the runner up or just the chick you got stuck with.

I’m sorry. I will try again another time to get some more shit out. Right now I just want to snuggle into your arms and wrap myself in your love and forget about any and everything else.

But I don’t get to do that anymore. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

And I miss it so fucking much….

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.

 

Swirling, twirling, thoughts and sleepless nights… again.

I got your text messages tonight. I have mixed feelings about them. I know that it was gracious of you to even take time out of what you are doing to message me and I want to thank you for that. Now, that being said, do you think you could have given me SOME kind of info on the events of the weekend? Something, anything!?! I got 3 texts from you. Two I Miss yous and an I love you. Ummm… thanks. I guess. I know that I am being an ungrateful bitch but sorry I would like to know something. I mean you would think that a grown ass man would be able to find 4 minutes to call the ‘Woman they love with their everything’ and give her some kind of info on what happened, and most importantly how are you? Are you okay? How is Little Man? I have been thinking of him all weekend.

I am so sad I haven’t been out of bed much other than to snuggle with the baby. Oh, the baby. I almost forgot I got to snuggle him tonight. He came over and spent some much needed snuggle time with me. I am so happy; it got me through the night. I was able to kiss & hug, tickle & play, and get him to do his adorable baby giggle. He made me forget how sad my soul was. Thanks baby DD-bug you brighten my day always.

I am sure when I do talk to you again you will be full of explanations. You will have a story about how you had to do this, or that, or blah fuckity, blah, blah, blah. Or maybe, you will just say what you did last time and say, ‘yea, I could have got a hold of you, I am sorry, I should, I am sorry baby.’ But will I except this time? That is the question.

My sadness is turning this ugly again. I am sorry. I do believe. I do miss you. I do hope that whatever happened you feel like it was what was right for you and Little Man. I am sorry that I am so needy. I am sorry I am a class 5 clinger. I am sorry that the monsters take over sometimes. I am sorry that I am too weak when you are gone for too long. I am sorry that I have been a wreck these past few days. I am so sorry for all of my fear, my doubts.

I am sure that this weekend’s events, whatever happened, were not pleasant for you in most ways. I am sure you are feeling very liberated in others. I hope you find yourself in all of this. I hope you are happy and at peace.

I miss you my Moon. Rawr…