Fuck you, you fucking fuck… I’m going back to bed and hiding.

image

As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.

It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).

I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.

And it’s not going to be you. Or US.

And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.

I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:

Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.

I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.

After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.

You suck.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…

Advertisements

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

image

Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Just because I didn’t answer with words doesn’t mean She didn’t answer… But people are people and sometimes they change their minds.

The question now is…

Do you want me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnXrfksTjZ8

 

 

 

Forget the world now, we won’t let them see… Say you will.

I ‘write’ to you every night before I fall asleep, only it’s in my head. For some fucked up reason the words I want to say to you fall so easily into place when the world is dark and silent. I often wish I could get up to put them down but I am too scared to wake anyone so instead I lay silent and unmoving while the words I want to say to you flow effortlessly through my mind. Sometimes they aren’t the nicest thoughts but they still have no problem fitting together. I don’t have to fight to put two scrambling thoughts together to form a coherent sentence.

I really miss being able to write. I miss just letting my fingers hit the keyboard and let ‘em loose. I didn’t even have to think about what I wanted to say, my fingers and soul were somehow connected and did the ‘thinking’ and ‘writing’ for me.

Now when I try to write I end up staring at the cursor blinking for so long that I forget why I am staring at a blank page and end up giving up.

I’m happier than I have been in a long time and I’m miserable. Fucked up right? Well, it wouldn’t really be very ME if it wasn’t (:

Thank goodness I’m so busy at work all day that I don’t have time to dwell on how not happy I am. And of course when I am home I am surrounded and rarely alone so even if I am feeling it there is no way I can be showing it.

Again. It fucking sucks.

I want to tell you that I am happy, that I am confident in what I am doing, that I know that I have made the right choice but that would be a lie. I’m not happy, I’m not sure I know what the hell I am doing. All I know is that my kids are happier than I have seen them in a long time. They are excited and want to be home and so do I. I love being home with them. Even when they are driving me Nucking Futs (: I can’t think of a place I would rather be. Well, I could maybe think of one….

I’m sorry. I love you. I miss you. I wish this were easier…

 

 

Hello 4am… I really hate you. Please let me sleep now. Please.

I’m sorry.

I’m sad too.

I’m sorry, what? You are still here, holding on, and loving me? You are Ridiculous.

I push, I yell, I act like a freaking hormonal lunatic, and still you hold on.

You love.

What?!

I don’t understand that. I can’t wrap my head around you wanting to stick around and not run as fast as you can. It doesn’t settle well in me. So, what do I do? I push harder. I shut down. I can’t even find it in me to form words when I talk to you. Instead I sit, zombie like, while the screaming in my head just won’t shut the FUCK up long enough for me to even focus on what you are saying or what is going on around me. This is what I have become lately, a freaking Momzbie…

I don’t really like it.

Know what else I don’t like?

Golf….

I fucking HATE golf today!

But I’m pretty sure that as much as I HATE golf, push, yell, cry, or shutdown today or any day, you will still be here. Loving. Caring. Understanding. Holding on for dear life. And that Moon is why it is so hard to not love, to not want US more than anything.

But as hard as it is, as much as I love and miss US, I have to let you go. I have to do what is right; it doesn’t make it any easier though.

I miss US… I’m sorry  

 

If only we could just make Banana Pancakes and pretend it’s the weekend… Sleep would be nice too.

It feels like it has been raining for weeks here. The sun has been out and shining but I still feel like there is a huge black storm cloud that follows me everywhere. The sun cant even warm me, no matter how long I try to soak up the rays I still feel empty and cold inside. I am pretty sure this is going to be a long, miserable, dreary summer and I am not looking forward to it.

I miss Us.

I’m sorry.

Getting what I ask for… And hating it.

I miss you.

I’m sorry…

 

Dear April…

I have been listening to Pandora and trying to write for almost 2 hours now. I decided to start again because there was nothing good coming from it. And now, my fingers have decided to work against me and fill this with typos and backspacing, not to mention the fucking SB that still sticks ):

Can ya throw me a frickin’ bone here people?

I mean seriously.

I have to remind myself to breathe now.

What?!?

Did I just admit that? Yea, weird but true. I find myself sometimes so ‘lost’ that I have to remind myself to take a breath. Is it bad to admit that I might not be able to do this alone? How much worse is it that I don’t want to battle this with you? I know we are gonna survive the zombie apocalypse and all but this makes that look like a day at the boardwalk and I don’t want you to have to see any of this. I think you deserve better. I want better for you.

I’m gonna stop trying tonight. I guess I will try again tomorrow. I am sorry that you are feeling the aftershocks of what’s going on here.

Until we meet again… Rawr…