What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

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Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

I don’t even know how to title anymore because I don’t even remember what I just wrote… And this was written days ago so that doesn’t help either. It’s Sunday, I think I know that much.

image

I tried to write about this right after but the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and everyfuckingthing else was too jumbled.

I’m finding it hard to catch my breath just thinking about it. My heart is racing and my toes are tingling. I still haven’t quite processed it. I’m trying not to over think anything. I’ve barely allowed myself to think of it at all.

But my soul knows.

What I am over thinking is what to write, so nothing is coming out correct.

I’m trying to censor my feelings and it’s not working.

So here goes.

Every word you spoke was like a lashing to my soul, ripping through it leaving gaping, oozing wounds behind. Each ‘baby’ that was whispered tore into me like hot knives, stabbing my already broken self. When you spoke of missing US tiny pieces of me fell silently to the floor, crumbling like an old sand castle. But the cincher? Oh, that belongs to you whispering how much you love me. When those words were spoke it was like a flash incineration, leaving nothing in it’s wake but falling ash.

But the amazing that I felt… the amazing made all of that worth it.

Because for a few minutes my soul felt you.

You’re something we’ll never forget.

It took me a few minutes to relax, to stop fighting it. I had to focus on your voice, I had to just listen to the words being spoken instead of hearing the words that were being said. Soon enough the words being said were heard loud and clear and the nerves disappeared. If I allowed myself to be present in this moment only and not think about any past moments or dream of any future I was okay. It wasn’t until you whispered about missing US and asking how much I missed you that I started freaking out again. I needed to only be in this moment right here with you I couldn’t think about anything else between US, it brought on panic and fear. ..

Writing about US used to be so easy.

Now it only reminds me of what I have to live a lifetime without.

I’m sorry if I made the magic of today more than it was but it’s been so long since my soul felt anything that the evidence today that there may still be a chance for my soul is too much not too write about.

For the little while that we spent together it was easy to remember why my soul so desperately needs you, because you feel like home.

And that is more terrifying than anything because you are not something that I get to keep anymore.

And just like that the darkness, so easily, begins to set in again and the tiny flicker of hope in my soul dies out…