This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.

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You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.

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I’m pretty much ready to follow the white rabbit… Get me the fuck out of here. Thank you and goodnight.

I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to long for you. I don’t want to feel the loss of you in my bones. I don’t want my soul to feel like it’s cold and empty. I don’t want to be reminded of the amazing-ness of US. I don’t want to forget the love you showed me. I don’t want to remember the way I could feel your love ignite my soul. I don’t want to remember any of the good. I don’t want to feel the pain from all the bad. I don’t want to be sorry. I don’t want the guilt. I don’t want to be the last thing you think of. I don’t want to be reminded of you every time I lie in the silent, darkness of night. I don’t want to be brought to my knees with sadness because the memories of US are too hard to fight. I don’t want the memories. I don’t want to deal with the tears that are unstoppable. I don’t want EVERY fucking song to remind me of US. I don’t want to be nothing to you. I don’t want anything from you.

I want to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I want to not fucking care anymore. I want forget everything. I want you to keep walking, don’t turn around and pretend any longer, keep moving. I am hoping someday you will just be a tiny dot on the horizon, not able to hurt me any longer.

I won’t try forever. And I’m pretty sure you are just fine with that because apparently your ‘forever’ isn’t as long as mine. It fucking sucks actually. It’s more like a maybe than a forever.

Ugh.

Remind me what US feels like, please… I can’t remember at all.

I think I finally know why I can’t write to you. I think it is because I am so busy trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t be focusing on US right now, that I have to be miserable because of what is going on around here. So instead I try to distract myself with humming, finger tapping, ring tapping, toe wiggling, leg tapping, remembering to breathe, important one to remember by the way, thanks for reminding me when I forget (:  I often find myself doing more than one of these at a times. 

Thanks for always being there. Thanks for understanding and not pushing too hard. Thanks for your constant love. As much as you amaze me I hate to tell you that I still think some mornings that you wont be around anymore, I don’t understand it, you try to break down these walls, you beg me to let you in, you whisper sweet nothings, you lay with me, you hold me. You lay with me, even when I wont let you hold or touch me, you still just lay there. Are you fucking serious?! Do you seriously see all the amazing things you do for me? Don’t you realize that I don’t deserve all that? I can’t give you all of those amazing things back. I don’t know how to love right. I don’t know how to process or accept the love you show me. It gives me panic attacks. To think that the love you have for me, for US, could ever be a constant is unimaginable to me.

Keep on Loving You just came on. Perhaps to slap me back to what I started this tonight for, to write to you. Not about my fears, panic, anxiety, crazy, brokenness. So that is what I am going to try to do.

I need US. I know that is why I am such a fucking mess right now. It has been weeks it seems like since we have been able to just be US. I don’t even fucking remember what it is like to get lost in US, which happens to be one of my favorite things ever! And for some fucked up reason I am trying to deprive myself of it. I don’t want to avoid US anymore. I want you to make me remember what US is. What US feel like? I don’t want you take my no’s or stop’s ANY LONGER, I know that you know how to get me back to US. I know that you always know what to do or say. You somehow know when I need the soft, gentle, coaxing and whispers. You know when I need to be loved. You know when and how to kiss my tears and accept them but also how to whisper them away.

You amaze me.

I am so sorry that I have been so untouchable lately. I am so sorry that I push you away every time you get close. I am sorry I ignore your kisses and touches. I want them. I want you.

I want US.

I know that there are parts of my life that are shit right now. But this, here, is for US. And everyone deserves an US. Even me. Even when my it feels like everything around me is crumbling, I still deserve to feel love. To feel your love.

Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for believing in US. Make me remember US in the morning, please. I might not believe in me. But I believe in you.

Goodnight my Moon. I missed you tonight. The moon was huge and about as bright and yellow as it could be and of course followed me everywhere reminding me of your love. I love you too.