Because of you and the love you have shown me…

I miss you.

I’m leaving for the weekend. I am hoping to leave my troubles, sorrow, pain, and all the other bullshit I am feeling home, I don’t want it to follow me this weekend. I need a break from it.

I don’t know how you hide from a part of your soul missing but I am going to try. I am going to try to let the water, heat, sun, and smiles (I hope there are smiles) wash over the pain and sadness I feel every day, minute, second that you are not here.

I love you.

As soon as I hit publish I am off to apply some mascara… I hope it works.

I’m falling down the fucking rabbit hole again. I haven’t been to work in two days. I haven’t put mascara or lip gloss on in 2 days. I don’t wear much make up but if I don’t leave the house without mascara, ever. I was not a good mommy today. I knew I wasn’t going to be so I packed them up and drove them to my moms and drop them off, I didn’t even make it to the stop sign before the tears were flowing. I tried to ignore them and hide behind my sunglasses, I even turned up the music REALLY loud but I had to pull over for a bit and regain myself, there was no way I could have safely drove right then.

I got home and I dont think I was even in the house for four seconds before I was dialing your number. I don’t even care at this point what or why I was upset before, all I needed was to hear your voice. To know that there is someone in this universe who, wasn’t born of my flesh, that loves me and cares about me. As soon as I heard the ringing my stomach flopped and my heart dropped because I remembered that you aren’t that person anymore. Anxiety creeps in because then I start wondering if you ever were. And then I start questioning everything, every word, whisper, text, love that was from you. Were they all fucking bullshit? Was I just something to occupy your time while you were vehicle-less and bored? Did you only need me to make the lonely nights less lonely for awhile?

And this my dear is the craziness that has become my head. This doesn’t even mention any of the bullshit I am dealing with outside of US.

I feel like there is a stormcloud above me and it is shitting down buckets right now.

I feel like I am clawing to the side and my body is feeling the stress of it. I have been sick for the past few days I hurt all the way to my fingernails. My eyes hurt so bad that I wear my sunglasses inside due to the 100 degree sun blaring into my house right now. I am trying to sit in it to soak it up and convince myself that I can feel but it’s not working right now.

I think I am going to move my pity party outside for a bit. I have spent the last few hours listening to music and trying to breathe, it is working. I just realized that I don’t have to work again until Monday. I am going to be on the river in less than 16 hours with people that make me smile. I only hope that I can hold on to all of this positive for the remainder of the weekend.

I am going to go spend the rest of this day in the sun with the little ones who own my world and remind me that even if I don’t want to be here for me that I HAVE to be here for them.

I’m sorry.

T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…

I hate the weekends that aren’t full of US… I’m thinking they might be your favorite kind.

I spent the afternoon on the river with two of my favorite little people in the universe today and I have to say that the smiles and peace I felt were not faked. The smiles were small and far between but that could be due to the sadness that still lurked just beneath the surface of the smiles.

I find the water so calming. If I could have my way I would have a cabin on all types of lakes, rivers, and oceans. My own little private hideaways. There is something about the crystal clear water flowing so freely and the sun lighting the tips making it look like the top of the water is on fire, my favorite. It was hard to not feel anything but calm today and I loved it.

The sun warmed my skin and even touched the tip of my soul, the water danced and glittered beautifully today calming the angry ocean of screaming thoughts that is my mind. I realized today that it’s not about ‘fixing’ me, it never was, it’s about me becoming ME, there is no fixing at all. I apologize in advance if you don’t like the ME that I become. On second thought, no I don’t (:

There of course was something missing. Something was off today. I know what it was. You know what it was. I’m sorry.

I miss you.

Goodnight Moon.