Saying Goodbye hurt… Never saying Hello again is killing me.

Dear Universe,

I’m nervous as I sit down here to write. My hands are trembling and I have butterflies in my belly, I’m a bit nervous, and it actually has nothing to do with my sad and hurting heart. Of course I am sad and broken, otherwise, would I really be here again? Sobbing out all my sorrows to a Universe that could give a flying saucer about me? Yeah, probably not.

This time is different though… I say that a lot I know but this time it is. I have kept to much of what has been going on the last few years to myself. For lots of reasons but mostly because I am so protective of what we found that I didn’t want to put it out in the Universe. I didn’t’ want to share it with anybody. And to be completely honest I was so wrapped up in soaking up every second that we could together that by the time we were apart I was only trying to maintain enough until we could be together again.

Is this where I put in the backstory? Do I even need to put a backstory? Just thinking about having to type out Our Story makes me want to gag because the ending is nothing that I imagined it would be and yet it’s the everything and nothing I knew it’d turn out to be. For the sake of the internet I will put a bit out there…

We met at a time that I was more broken and alone than I had truly ever been. The ugliness that I had been living, since long before Moon made an entrance, had taken a turn for the absolute worst and was at that point in time… non existent. I chose at that time to fill my time with the wonderful world of online dating. Can ya blame a girl? I’m a fool!! Basically after MONTHS of just putzing around and meeting NO ONE, because honestly I had no intention of ever meeting anyone!! I didn’t even entertain the idea of setting up a ‘date’ and the few times that the issue was pressed I moved on and they quickly lost interest.. until 1 night… I was scrolling through old messages and came across a profile I had messaged months before with no response, but after stalking His profile again I decided I was going to send another, “Hey there” message. This time He responded, and there was a moment (a very fucking long one) where I could replay our first conversation over in my head almost verbatim. Partly because we only messaged a few times late into the night the first time and by the next day He had somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee by noon!!!

I have no fucking idea what came over me that day… I probably will never know, at least while I’m walking this earth, but it was one of the BEST and WORST choices I’ve ever made.

I pulled into the parking lot a bundle full of nerves. WTF was I doing?! I was supposed to be filling my lonely nights with some innocent (insert huge eye roll) talk not setting up coffee dates and meeting my soulmate.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I got out of the car. Walked across the parking lot and was greeted with a huge hug by the person who literally completes my soul.

We talked for as long as our busy schedules would allow, said our goodbyes and from that instant on my soul/heart/being was changed.

Within hours we blew off all of our previous schedules. I got a babysitter for my littles and we were back together at Applebee’s bar being the annoying and obnoxious couple that sits on the same side of the booth, staring into each others eyes between horrifying PDA kiss scenes. I actually became that chick at the restaurant that you want to fling your pickles at.

And I didn’t care one little bit.

The only thing I cared about was being as close as humanly possible to Him. We didn’t even have to talk. Sitting next to him with our bodies touching, our lips pressed against each other, and hands intertwined it was like the 2 of us didn’t need to use words to communicate. Our souls were doing all of the connecting and we were just there for the ride.

I have never experienced something like our connection before.

And I know that I never will again.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time. For some freaking reason the Universe was always fucking against us!! We spent 3 years trying to figure our shit out. There were few times that I was fully convinced we were going to do it. Just thinking about it now takes my breath away.. We were so fucking close… so many times.

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I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

Another introduction of the new character in the drama known as my life… And our falling in and out of, love story.

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Dear Universe,

What do you say when it’s the same old story but different characters?

I can say I’m not broken.

I can say that I am able to feel again but trust, well that is a whole different story.

Especially when you hear the same old crap time and time again. This time it was different, or so I thought. But isn’t that what everyone says? “this one is different, this one would never blah blibbity blah fucking blah..

Well I thought that.

And this time was different.

In different ways.

So of course when shit got crazy I sat down and wrote it out… to Him.

And so we have another love story…

 

Good bye my Almost Lover,

I don’t know where to begin or what to say.

I have said it all and then some in the last 24 hours…

I feel like there is nothing left to say and yet a lifetime left of words to be spoken.

How much more open could I have been? I literally gave all of myself that I had to offer to you, at a time when I was more vulnerable and broken then ever. I opened up my heart/soul/life/bed/home/family to you. I trusted you with the things that are the reason for my existence. The ONLY reasons that I continue to get out of bed every fucking morning.

Because lets face it, I was hardly existing the fucked hand I had been dealt.

But you walked in.

At a coffee shop.

And all of a sudden all of the blurry, fuzziness in life came into focus and suddenly everything was vibrant and colorful. I felt, what I can only describe as an electrical buzz, in my being, like I all of sudden knew what it meant and felt like to connect with another soul. I literally felt my soul connect with you.

Within hours of meeting you my soul craved closeness with yours in a way that I will never be able to put into words but will spend my lifetime trying to.

I can’t even explain it now.

All I can say is WoW..

And I haven’t even gotten to what it is like to be in your arms.

I can’t, and don’t even want to try to, explain what the feeling of being wrapped in your presence, feeling you on my body being surrounded by all of the amazingness we were making.. it is indescribable. literally.

I have dreamt of feeling the emotions and feelings that you produced in me since I was a little girl.

I even thought I found them once in my life. That is basically the reason I have a place to write this currently, because I thought I had found ‘the one’ but I was so very wrong and broken.

But then that Wednesday in the café happened and I realized that everything I had thought I knew about love was just childs play compared to what I was feeling being with you.

I was so wrapped up in the connection that I found with you that I was foolish with my heart and trust. You listened to my stories of hurt and sorrow. You stared into my eyes as I opened up to you and poured out all of the pain I had in my being. You convinced me with your words, as you were wiping the tears from my cheeks, that you would never hurt me and allow the same tears to flow because of you or your actions.

and yet when they were flowing and I could no longer hold them back.. You sat there. Unmoving. Staring. Not once even thinking of wiping a tear or caressing my face.

Instead they leaked down my face.

My heart and soul feeling like it is literally being flushed from me. I feel like I gave myself to you. I know I gave myself to you.

I even begged you not to break me, especially not so soon.

And I was stupid and trusted you. I trusted the love I was so convinced was out of this world. And you shattered it.

I know that it seems like something so miniscule to you but to me it is everyone of my terrible nightmares come true. I told you how used I had been when it came to relationships. I told you how insecure I was when it came to other women, especially exes. I truly thought you were listening to me and cared enough to take what I was saying into consideration.

I was wrong.

I don’t know how this could ever be again.

I will spend every second we are apart thinking of you connecting with other people, especially A.

I will question every noise your phone makes when we are together, not to mention how many times a day the thought will run through my mind when we are apart,  and never believe that it was only a fantasy football alert or a reminder alarm (even if that is truly all it is).

I already have a constant video dialogue of what the 2 of you talk about and how quickly you would return to her, or someone else, the second I walk away.

I will never trust what you have to say at face value. I’m fucked that way. I told you that.

I will forever feel hurt and disrespected that you did what you did even after I brought my son to meet you. I literally felt comfortable enough and trusted you enough with what means the most to me in the whole entire universe. and you shit all over it. You didn’t even want to take the opportunity to get to know my kid. Instead you spent the time texting someone who supposedly meant nothing to you while ignoring the child you had waited so long to meet.

I’ll never understand that.

I was so honored and privileged to be able to spend time with your children that the last thing I would have ever thought to do would have been to text with someone who supposedly was nothing to me. I had guilt having to deal with the situation I had to last weekend around them, and you know how unavoidable that was..

I don’t know where I am going with this. I’ve typed over a thousand fucking words and still there is about a lifetime left to get out.

I don’t remember why I started writing to you tonight. I think I was trying to answer  some of the  questions you had asked me but I obviously got off on a tangent and probably missed all of them and then some…

And to be honest I don’t even know what I wrote up to this point… MOst likely a whole bunch of nothing..

Which is exactly what I feel right now…

 

How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

There’s just too much that time cannot erase… I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone.

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Dear Universe,

There are so many things that remind me of Moon, more than I would like to admit or even think about. But this song holds one of the strongest memories. And it’s haunting me today…

The lyrics were meant for Moon and I.

Fuck today.

I haven’t cried for US in almost a week now, you don’t linger in my every thought… I’m finally letting you go like you did to me so many moons ago.

see that girl I’m eating popcorn and Butterfinger Bites washing em down with good ol’ h2O while watching the Bachelor.

Don’t judge.

I’m trying not to hate on love.

I’m trying not to hate on you. I think it’s working, for the most part. I mean.. I still haven’t really shed any tears for you/US. I still feel ‘okay’.

I have dreamt of you the last several nights. They have been odd. I don’t really remember much about them, I know that we are not a couple usually. For the first time in forever when I wake up I’m not begging and screaming for you, there aren’t tears running down my face and I’m not gasping for breath.

But the sadness is still there sometimes.

These feelings of ‘okay’ are so taboo for me that I am silently waiting for all the pain/tears/hurt/sadness/darkness from the loss of US to come slamming back but I kinda don’t think it will and I am more than ready to accept that.

I can finally see a future without you in it. I can finally see a day where I’m not looking/waiting for you every second.I have finally went days without crying for you. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad.

My soul screams sad.

My mind longs for happy.

I’m not feeling anything.

I guess that’s a good thing.

I’m hoping by letting go of you and feeling everything without trying to deny or ignore I’m going to be able to love better after this.

One of my biggest fears is I won’t be able to love again. But i think by doing this the right way and not running and pretending to love the closest thing i can, that in the end the love i will be able to offer will be real honest and true.

I won’t tell someone they’re my everything and my world, that i couldn’t live without them or imagine a world without our love only to tell someone else those exact same things almost simultaneously, like you did.

The next time i tell those things to someone I’ll mean them.

Just like i did with you every time i said them, right up until you finally got caught and had to tell me you’d been lying and cheating on me. And still even after, when my heart and soul wouldn’t give up and the love we shared still lingered, I meant it then too. I always have and always will.

I started this days ago… I’m just now barely able to post it. I’m always just barely breathing.

life moves on

I can’t breathe. I’m writing to try to survive. I am stupid. I was super weak this morning. I am sorry. I have spent over a year now on very little sleep. I looked you up on Facebook. I haven’t in so long. I didn’t even know what I would be able to see since we aren’t ‘friends’ anymore. I was able to see more than I wish I had. I can’t believe you posted a song that has been haunting me for days. You posted it days after it had made it’s presence known over here. I posted it before even thinking about ‘looking for you’.

The breath stealer/heart wrencher/soul crusher? In case all of that isn’t fucking enough. I was also able to see how lovey dovey you and her are. I was able to witness the ‘love’ you guys have. I had to rush to the bathroom to puke. Literally. I have first hand proof that I don’t exist in your world anymore. I am barely a distant memory to you. Everything I gave you was for fucking nothing because you are over and done with any and everything me. I have memories haunting my every move. You exist in almost everything I do.

I have to stop it.

I have to find a way to get rid of you.

Writing to you here is not helping. I have to stop.

I have made a new blog. A blog where US doesn’t exist. The only US that does exist there are tiny little bits and pieces of what once was.

I have to let you go.

I can’t continue to come running to you, even if it’s only in writing, if I want to move on. I don’t feel right even thinking about writing about someone else here and I know that at some point I will have a ‘someone’ else to write about. I mean there has to be more to my story than just US. My story can’t end here. Right? You were just a chapter in my book of life. I thought you were ‘the book’ but I realize now you were simply a few very important chapters to my book as a whole, not my whole book. Silly girl. How easily it was to not see the whole picture until it was too late. Perhaps had I looked at our story in other ways the outcome would be different but it doesn’t matter now.

I guess the story of US has finally come to an end.

It sickens me.

It makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I can’t breathe and don’t think I really want to anymore.

I miss loving you so much already. I missed loving you before. I will miss loving you for always.

I’m so sorry that this is the way that our story ended. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize sooner the mess we were becoming.

I’m not sorry for loving you.

I will never be sorry for that.

Loving you was one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope someone else will be able to love you even better than I was able to someday.

I hope that no matter what at the end of the day you are the man your mom would be proud of and that you show Little Man how to be that man.

Random Wednesday writing… Snarfles this sucks balls.

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I havent used my computer in a long time to post. Ive been using another laptop/pad/kindle/my phone etc. I feel like my fingers feel at home here. These keys are the ones that have felt every letter typed to our story. These are the keys who have witnessed my tears/screams/laughs/moans/giggles/sighs/worries/everyfuckingthing for so long now.

Enough about the keys tho. I’m not here to write a review on my keypad I’m here to spill my guts and tell my sad story.

I don’t even really know what to say.

I have such a hard time being angry at you because how am I supposed to have anger towards someone who doesn’t love me? How can I fault someone for something they do or do not feel for me or for someone else?

I can’t.

But I know what I can fault you for is the way you lied and treated me for a year after knowing you had found someone else. I can fault you for the things you said and the way you used my love for you in sick and twisted ways. I can fault you for making me your cumdumpster for the better part of a year and taking something that came from a real place from me and turn it into you just trying to rub one out. I can fault you for calling me everyfuckingtime you were drunk and telling me how much you loved/missed/wanted/needed me but really only trying to fill your time until she came back from whatever/whoever she was doing and decided to pay attention to you again.

I could list all of these terrible faults and many more but really they are just my way of trying to make my sadness hurt less and the anger take some of the pain away.

But really nothing will make it hurt any less.

Nothing will take the hurt away but you being back and US being US.

That will never happen.

I will now just take each step one baby step at a time and write my way through it.

Ok well I’ve a Skype-date tonight.

And I’m spending it in my pj’s with my hair in a bun.

Fun times lol.

I’m wearing mascara and lip gloss at least right?

In other news I forget that people out there read these words that I write. I don’t really think about anybody else when I write but lately I have been getting some really supportive words from readers and I just want to say thanks. I’m humbled that you even take the time to read my soulache. I’m sorry if my words seem redundant I can get caught up in a thought and become a bit of an ‘over-writer’ at times. But this blog has saved me more times than I would like to admit. Hearing your support and encouragement helps me during my dark and lonely times.

So thank you.