I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

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A distracting, chaotic, jumbled, mess. I hope you enjoy. Love you.

Is it really already Easter?! Wasn’t it JUST Christmas last week? Has the year already flown by so fast? I feel like I have been living in a fog the last few months. Like I can’t even look back and see what I did because all there is a misty fog filled nothing. I suppose I could go back and read the blog but you know how I HATE to read what I write. I still find it funny when I read something and have no idea how the words got onto the page. I haven’t been able to get lost in my writing in so long. It makes me feel like I can’t take a full breath. When I can write and release whatever it is that is affecting me I just feel better, like I can breathe and everything seems crisp and clear, when memories are like watching mini bad homemade movie clips in my head, the kind that are super cheesy but bring tears to your eyes, rather than creepy darkness and nothing that shows up in black and white stills.

Completely distracting myself now and gonna talk about Easter. Think I am gonna make a new recipe for twice baked yams for tomorrow. I think it will help keep my mind busy to pass the time. I am always amazed at how fast the days go when I keep myself busy and distracted. So I will be busy baking for tomorrow. Shall I tell you what’s on the menu (: How completely annoying I’m sure but whatever at least I am writing. I will be keeping myself busy tomorrow preparing the ham, mashed potatoes, those yam thingy’s I was talking about, I am gonna try to make these cute little deviled eggs but I don’t know how or if they will turn out so I will let ya know since I’m sure you are dying to know (: I am also gonna try to make this yummy bread pull apart thingy that looked uber yummy and is called Crack Bread, let ya know on that one too. I hope that I actually eat what I make tomorrow. I have a bad habit of not eating when we do big dinners because I am so busy running around the kitchen and getting stuff together that by the time I sit down I am too tired to eat and everyone else is done eating already and who really wants to eat by themselves? Anywhoo…

Oh yea and of course we are dying Easter Eggs and going to a Glow in the Dark Easter Egg hunt at a friends parents. I am soooooo excited to see how the hunt will go. I do love all things dark, especially cool glowing things (:

I am sure that I have bored you enough with my nothings but it feels good to write. Anything. So I am wondering if this too will become one of those ‘deleted’ posts that I keep sending to the blog graveyard. I don’t think so actually because you would care about every little stupid thing I had to say here. Because you are amazing. And this is for YOU and US and no one else. I need to stop worrying about what someone might think, unless that someone is you of course, because I spend so much time to trying to edit and censor my shit on here that I get stuck because this is the one place where I am not supposed to have to ‘fake’ it. If I am on the edge and shit is dark and scary and ugly then who fucking cares. I should just let it out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for all things US. All things good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, dark, amazing, hurtful, sad, happy, CrAzY, sexy, anything US. This is where it belongs.

OURS just came on (: Makes me smile. I can take a full breath. Reminds me that…

The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is oUrS….

I am sorry that things have been so dark lately. I am hoping that as soon as we get to actually be US again that everything else fill fall back into place. At least that is what has always happened before when I got lost. It took one or two amazing days of US to open the flood gates and break through but once it did the love of US wrapped itself around me so tightly that I don’t think I could have shook it if I had wanted to. I need that again. I need US again. I feel like the gods are against US right now and it really sucks. But I guess if it is meant to be then it will be.

I miss you. I thought about you all day. I will talk to you in the morning my love. I can’t wait to spend the morning with you. Wrapped in your arms, snuggled in the love of US. I can hardly wait. I feel like a kid before Christmas, can’t sleep, but want to sleep as soon as possible so that it will be morning already. Maybe I will try some melatonin tonight? I have heard it helps. Let’s hope so.

I love you. I miss you. Is it morning yet? Rawr….

A scary dark pit, and a few things I do know. Or at least I think I do…

I have been sitting here staring at the computer for about 20 minutes now. There are so many different things that want to get out, they are all jammed up like they are stuck in a door jam because so many are trying to escape at the same time they are just piling up on top of each other so really none get out.

Did I lose you on that one? I think I almost lost myself but I can visualize it perfectly. I guess that means that they are supposed to stay there, locked up, where they belong. In that cold, dark, too dark, and scary place.

I struggle sometimes with the idea of writing or not because I wonder if what I am feeling or saying is too bad or dark to put out there so I just bottle it up. I want to say fuck it and just say what I feel like I usually do but something is holding me back. I hope things start changing soon because I am a bit frightened by the feelings I have been having and would really like the ‘comfort’ I feel when I am able to ‘write it out’.

I do know that you love me. I do know that you are Amazing Ridiculous. I do know that you amaze me every morning I wake up to a text, message, or voicemail. I do know that things would be so much worse without you. I do know that as hard as I try I can’t stop the pushing.

I’m so sorry. I wish I knew how to fix me, fix this, fix US. Sadly I don’t even think I am fixable.

Goodnight my Moon. I need you. I miss you. I love you.

 

I have decided that… No Sex Sunday’s really SUCK!!

Fuck. I had so much I was going to say but now that I am sitting here I am BLANK!! Maybe its because there is so much running amok up there and trying to get out its just a big clusterfuck.

Its dark up there, I know that much. It’s not a pretty place right now. Oh yea, I wanted to thank you for saving me from the Yellow Line earlier. Thank you f r being there as much as you can. I don’t know how I would be surviving right now without you. This happens to scare me even more.

The swimming I did today was perhaps just what my exhausted mind needed. The screams and yells of delight from the kids in the pool were just enough to distract me from what was going on up there. I liked it. I miss it. I missed it as soon as I got into the silent car, well, until I turned the music up and had a dance party that is (:

Okay, I really don’t know what else I have tonight. I seem to be making tons of errors as I type which is so unusual. Usually the words flow from my fingers as smoothly as words from my mouth but not tonight. I am done backspacing and correcting its annoying me.

I miss you. I always miss you. I need you. I always need you. I love you. I will always love you.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

PS. I take back what I said last weekend about No Sex Sundays… I think… at least for now I do (: