I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

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Sitting, Waiting, Wishing… Three things you should stop doing. And all the skeletons in my head and the reasons why you should hate me, finally revealed.

I can’t believe you want to fight harder for US than you did for your wife, kids, and family.

I don’t believe in forever love. I haven’t for a long time now.

I told you from the beginning that I was damaged goods and to stay away.

I never imagined the last year to be possible.

I loved you. I love you.

But I loved him first. I always loved him. I always wanted him to love me back. After a decade, two babies, a death that took a part of my soul, and fighting the BLACK-ness with him, and winning, I feel like I owe it to him and our babies to try.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what else to say. I expect nothing less than for you to hate me. But I can’t hate myself any longer. This is what I wanted for you. I wanted you to fight for your family. I wanted you to snap out of the mist of US and realize that you should run. I never in a million years would have guessed that the one who would, ‘go back to the X’ would have been me. I really was done. I had no idea I would ever go back after how volatile his and my relationship had become but the last few months He has come back. A little bit.

I’m so sorry.

I’m definitely settling. Do him and I have the take your breath away moments that US have shared? No, but he is back. Our family is back. And they are happier than I have seen them in a LONG time. And seeing their smiles and hearing their sweet, innocent, belly laughs is what I live for.

For that I will never be sorry.

 

I have wanted to let some of this out for a long time now. I have been so cautious about what I write on here that I basically just shut down and stopped writing but for my sanity I need to let it out. Regardless of what anyone thinks. I started this blog to write to Moon when I couldn’t say what I needed to him; I need to forget anyone else’s opinion and start doing just that again. I need to just let myself be free with what I write. If that means that I offend someone then who fucking cares. I’m not writing for ‘likes’ or ‘followers’. I’m writing to keep myself from checking in to the Loony Bin and if I keep trying to censor what I am feeling then I am not being true to myself. And I will probably end up in said Loony Bin. And I don’t think that padded walls and I will get along well.

So, with that being said, ranted, or what the fuck ever’d…

This blog is about to get REAL again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdyigY9orew