I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

Welcome back… Same old, same old.

soul

 

Dear Universe,

How do you respond to someone saying they want to remain friends when the connection you experienced with said person was anything but friendly?

I know that I have written before about being madly in love and finding the other piece to my soul and I still stand behind the words/feelings/everything I experienced but this time, well this time it was completely different.

The kind of different where when you look back on the timeline you go what.. what the serious fuck? How were those intense feelings felt in such a short time?

I mean.. what I felt with him was not really describable.

But it made me believe in so many things.

It came at the most unexpected time.

It was impulsive in almost everything, probably a huge factor in the way that our story ended, we had.

I will still never forget the day we met. It felt like a million days in one.

I don’t even want to talk about it now actually because anything that has to do with him makes me feel things, the most unsettling feeling starts in my core and I have to immediately shut down said thought/feeling/moment because it is so fucking easy to get lost in the connection we have.

I have never connected with someone this way before. Ever. And it was instant.

We thrived off of each other.

Whatever we had was strongest when we were together. Even if that was just sitting there next to one another.

And that doesn’t even begin to describe the connect we had physically, and not just sexually, but when he touched me I felt alive. My skin tingled and my breath stopped, over and over again as his hands and fingers roamed over my body. I can say without a doubt it is absolutely one of my favorite things ever!!

But a lot of shit happened.

We happened.

Too quickly.

Life shit on us.

I was am weak.

It was easiest to go back to what I knew then to jump into the unknown at one of the lowest points of my life.

So I did. I went back.

I didn’t think it would be permanent but again, life happened. I did have a pretty big role in said life happening but it is what it is now.

Again I was weak.

Chose the path I know.

Hurt someone who I never wanted to.

They said less than a week ago that no matter what life had thrown at me they were willing to just add it to the craziness we could make together.

And now they are dating someone else and sorry if they are unavailable but hey, let’s be friends….

Umm.. No thanks..

I’m good on the friend front.

Plus I would expect way too much from them on the friend level because let’s be real here, I don’t consider said person a friend. If they ever had to touch me the connection we have would be instantly ignited. And I don’t feel like spending a lifetime faking that it exists or craving just any second of it I can get, that’s what happens when I am near him; I can’t touch/hug/hold him because my being craves for more, I push away or keep at a distance for fear of crawling into his lap and snuggling up. So I just stayed away. pushed the way I am oh so fucking good at.

And it worked.

He is dating someone.

And as text book as it sounds I am truly happy for him.

But I can’t and won’t fake a friendship with him.

Which leads me back to my question earlier… how do you respond to that person?

If I’m not friends them we are nothing.

And if we are nothing there is no reason to be in each other’s lives.

If he’s not in my life…. well, that just fucking sucks.

You see my conundrum?

 

Sunday hurt day… And that is all I got.

image

I’m in bed. Alone. On a Sunday morning. Did you get that second part there where it says alone? Just checking because I was pretty sure that you must have missed that since I’m STILL in bed, alone. Only now I’m writing to distract myself from the sadness and disappointment that are screaming at me.

I have to say that I really didn’t expect to spend any time with you today anyways. I always thought something would keep us apart…

A girl can wish though can’t she?

I don’t really have words this morning, just happy smiles and tingly everything’s… Thank you. I love you.

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? Am I the only one who feels like they are floating on the clouds? I feel like I have spent the morning with my feet barely touching the ground as I float from task to task with a smile on my face and a tingle in my… everywhere (:

I don’t even know what to say about last night, the early hours of morning, waking at dawn scared and looking for you, like I often do, but you were here so I was lulled back to sleep by the sounds of you sleeping and the warmth of your love; and I am positive I have no words for the wake up you gave me this morning.

You never cease to amaze me with your ability to love, to make love; if there have ever been any words spoken in this universe that I want to believe in they were whispered/moaned/groaned from the love produced from US last night. I truly found myself lost in a jumbled mess of US-ness and it was amazing.

I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know what I have done to deserve a love like yours but I only hope I am worthy of it. I hope I don’t lose it. I feel like we lost a part of US along the way but last night proved that there is nothing lost from US.

I know now what the true loss of US feels like and I will do any and everything for the rest of my days to not feel that agony again. And I think that last night you showed me that you feel the same. I love you. I heard every whispered word and felt every tender touch of yours. Thank you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. Please stay.

I felt US last night. I feel US right now. She is not letting me forget any detail of the last 14 hours and I am sooooo okay with that. Just writing the last few words have my breasts tingling and aching for your touch again. I am seriously having trouble fighting back the tingle. And the thought of having to wait at least 2 more hours is killing me, and that is if you don’t have to do something after work today, well something besides me…

I hope this feeling lasts. I hope the love of US is healing the parts of my soul that need it because I am definitely feeling US in ALL other parts today (:

I love you.

I miss you.

I can’t wait to be with you again. I will be waiting. In my panties. And maybe a pair of heels.

Please don’t make me wait long. I don’t know if I can….

I’m yours.

 

 

 

 

 

A shower untaken, a lunch left uneaten, and two souls reuniting… I love you, she loves you, we thank you for the perma-grin today Moon.

As soon as I finished my last post my cell rang.

It was you.

I was shocked. I hadn’t even sent a text begging you to contact me, although I did send you an I miss and love you text earlier which you responded to and melted my heart and warmed my soul.

You were calling, mostly, on your own.

You had me at ‘Hello, Sexy’ and it only got better from there. No one has ever made me feel the depths of emotion that you can.

I love you. I love the way you make love to me. I love the way your words and love wash over me and ease any hurt or fear I’m feeling.

Welcome back Mr. Ridiculous Amazing. I’ve missed you.

I’m yours.

Take it slow baby. I want to make love… Whispered words that are playing on repeat right now. Damn, I want you. Again.

I should be spending my time doing something more productive like cleaning the house but I don’t want to. I want to write out all the amazing I am feeling. I want to put it here, where it belongs, for US to come back to and be reminded of what we are capable of being.

I don’t know how you know when I need to feel loved. I don’t know how you can snap be back to US so quickly. I don’t care how you do, I only care that you keep doing it.

When the lunch and the shower went forgotten I assumed it would become what it usually does, a frantic fuck session. No way was I expecting the soft, tender, love or the gentle, whisper like caresses. Your whispered love spoke straight to my soul, igniting a fire and snatching my breath. I spent almost an hour riding the dips and swells of orgasmic bliss.  

I know that there is no way that one amazing, soul grasping, orgasmic day could ‘fix’ US completely but I know that we are on the way. I know that no matter where the path leads US or what is put in our way we will be standing side by side, soul to soul, always.

I love you.

I’m yours.

Take me, I’m yours to keep. Please.


You called. We talked. Kinda. Maybe it was more of you trying to fill the awkward silence while I just tried my hardest to breathe and not let the wall of tears flow because once they did I knew there would be no stopping them.

It was so hard.

The sight of your number on the phone reached in and snatched all life from my core for a few seconds. Having to answer and try to find my voice was almost impossible but somehow I managed and mumbled a hello. As soon as I heard your voice, I miss your voice the most; it was everything in my being to hold it together. All of the hurt, miss, love, lust, want, desire, need, and everything else I have ever felt for US came rushing back and like a dam that had been pushed to its limits for too long and could finally take no more they all hit me and I was lost, drowning, in a sea of US.

I couldn’t find my breath for so long. I found it hard to take a lung full of air at once and had to keep giving myself ‘breaks’ of US so that I didn’t end up a crumbled, pile of tears, on the floor while you witnessed, it’s hard enough to deal with when I don’t have an audience, I want no one to see just how broken my soul is. You tried to make it as painless as possible and of course I was reminded of why I love you so much and the pain from the loss of US stabbed into my soul again.

I think I did an okay job.

I had a little bit of help from the interruption and phone call that I had to deal with for 20 minutes. By the time I was done you were fast asleep. I was a bit relieved, sadly, but being able to lie with you and hear your breaths while they soothed away the ache in my soul was just what I needed so I am definitely not complaining (:

Not often do you fall asleep before me so I enjoyed being able to snuggle in and breathe easy knowing that you were right there. I finally got my turn to whisper soft nothings to you as you sleep. I love the way you would respond to some of my words, be it an in take of breath or a soft moan; it was so easy to tell you all of things I have been holding in for so long now. And I got to finish reading the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, made for a pretty amazing end to a stressful hump day. Thank you Mister.

I got lost in US so easily it’s scary but also something so much more magical. I tried not to fight US. I just laid there and let the love of US wash over me and loved every second of it.

I missed US so much. It felt so right being with you. I realized right then, that no matter where I was in this universe that you would always own a part of my soul. You don’t have a choice, it is yours, and I am yours to keep. I can fight US no longer. I don’t want to fight US any longer.

You finally woke and told me you love me, I was half of a second from protesting when you shut me up, snuggled me, and wrapped me in your love. I have never been so turned on so quickly before; there was something about your words and the way you delivered them so stern and yet full of love, maybe I’m reading too much Fifty… I think you could be my Sir. I know you could. But, you don’t want me anymore…

So, I will continue to live this half alive, barely feeling, numb filled life without US. I have to, I have no other choice. I have tried my hardest to show you how deep my love is for you. I have pulled out some of my best craziest class-5 clinger moves as well, which could explain why you are running for the hills, but I succeed in only pushing you further away and my goal of keeping you was not reached.

I’m so sorry I lost you. I’m sorry that I fought US so hard. I know now that I will never find a love like US and I am learning to accept that, however hard that be.

I love you. I will love you forever, for always, eternally.

You, my dear, are my soul.

I know that even if you don’t find your way back to me now that you will someday, you have too, our souls belong together; and I will be here, yours, when you do. 

I love you. Always.

 

 

 

I’m ready to be in your arms again… Feeling a love only US can.

I love you. I love listening to you. I love hearing you, I really love hearing you (: I love the way you love me. I love the way you calm me or bring me back to US when I most need it.

I miss you. I miss you every second we are apart. I’m sorry we are apart so much.

I love you.

Amaze me with the gentleness of US baby. Please. I need to be reminded.

I miss the soft and gentleness of US. I miss the way US would spread its tingle over me like silk. Everything around me feels so hard and rough. I feel like I have been jerked and tossed around so much that there is a rigidness to me now. Like I am on constant alert, always prepared for the impact.

I miss the feelings of US. I miss the way US flowed so smoothly. Like it was just supposed to be. One amazing moment into the next. There were no rough or jagged edges just smoothness and this odd calming feeling full of this amazing unexplainable tingle and sparkle.

I miss the way you make love to me. I don’t often talk about our love making. But I miss it. I miss the way you found your pleasure in all things me. I miss the way you would steal my breath from the first whisper often times not returning it until long after we lay spent with each other. I miss lying with you and feeling the most amazing I have ever felt in my entire life. The after is just as amazing as what brought us there. There is something about the after that is not a feeling I am familiar with. It is like being in the most peaceful, loving, place. The closeness I feel with you is unexplainable. Like we are one. There is just US. One soul.  

I miss you. I miss US.
I love you.

The T.M.I Award… take 2,332,222,124… you suck WordPress!!

Why when my head is loudest is it so hard to write to you? I would think that with all the screaming thoughts up there I would at least be able to pull something out and get it down. But nope. Not a chance. So I am putting on some Pandora and hoping to remedy that. In lighter news….

I was nominated for The T.M.I Award (:

SexualLifeOfAWife nominated me. I think she ROCKS, and I thought so BEFORE she nominated me (: Thanks so much for nominating me, thank you even more for your kind words and support, you often bring a warmth to my heart with your encouraging words when things are darkest. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (:

She makes some AMAZING lovin’ with her hubby, and you know I am a sucker for A M A Z I N G (: and BARES it all on her blog. Check it out. Now! Hereis the link again in case you didn’t see the first one (:

 

The T.M.I Award

 

Here’s the low down on it….

The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.

Here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who presented you with the award.
  •  Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
  •  Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 250 words or less.
  •  Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
  •  Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
  •  Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.

 

My awkward, embarrassing & intimate story…

OhEmGee… This is still anonymous right?! Hope so, here goes nothing or maybe everything (:

For my birthday a few years back my family and friends through me a little get together at a local bar. Well, I had recently met a new friend in my Psych class that had just moved across country and seemed like a pretty cool chick so I invited her to come along. I didn’t know at the time that she ‘wanted’ me, until we were about 4 drinks in that is. After that it was pretty apparent that she did indeed want to be ‘Lez-be-friends’, which btw I do not have a problem with, I have been known to bat for both teams, just NOT in front of my FAMILY. I spent much of the evening dodging her advances in front of my family except for a drunken moment in the bathroom…

Long story a bit shorter at the end of the evening we have all piled into the DD cars for the night and fuck it, I am calling her Boobs, Boobs got in my car (of course) with my MOM, sister, and my mom’s best friend. I was pretty confident that I had avoided any prying eyes now that the evening was wrapping up.

Boy was I wrong.

As we are driving along home, listening to some music and trying not to get too car sick from all the Pink Panty Droppers we had enjoyed Boob’s not so quietly leans over into my seat and says as LOUD as she fucking can, ‘ Hey, are we still gonna hook up tonight like we talked about in the bathroom?!’

I almost fucking DIED…

I gave her a small smile and completely ignored her question as though I never heard it and hope that everyone else was just as tipsy as I, although my mom was DD…

We did hook up… It was my birthday for fucks sake (:

PS. This took me almost a full 24 hours to get this to post. I don’t know why. But I did and I will be nominating people in the very near future… Sorry if you have already been nominated and also if you don’t want to do it when I nominate you… Fuck it (: