Don’t let me go… I’m stupid, I say dumb things, don’t you know you were never supposed to listen to me?

 

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to write. The only thing missing is a glass of wine but I just don’t feel like one so it’s just me, this, and the moon tonight. And I can only think of a few other things I would rather be doing.

I had to change the song because Eminem makes it so easy to be angry so The Fray it is. I think I found the title of my post tonight. Thank you The Fray for speaking the words I can’t. Enough side tracking let me say what I have wanted to say all day.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It actually physically hurts in my bones sometimes, and weird ones that I don’t think I have ever paid attention to before the ache in them gave me no other choice but to notice.

I was interrupted so I have no freaking idea where I was going or what I was saying. I know how I am feeling right now so lets write about that.

I am feeling so many things right now. Most of them are conflicting. I can’t help but to laugh at myself because this is what I have been saying for awhile now. Go out. Do things. Meet people. Find someone to distract you and make time move quickly instead of moving at the speed of sloth like it does for me. Of course the last one hurts the most and causes intense mixed feeling.

I want you to be happy. You are a part of my soul; of course I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. I am learning to accept that is not going to happen so the only other option is for you to find a new Happy with someone else. Even writing it gives me intense anxiety.

I kinda think you already have anyways. I can tell you are distant and I don’t know why but suspect there is a someone instead of something. I don’t really want to put down all the doubts and fears I have about that issue because it makes it too real for me.

My sleep literally consists of a series of mini nightmares. All of which consist of you, me, and someone or thing that is keeping us apart. Sometimes it is you making the choice to stay away and those ones are the worst. I don’t usually fall back to sleep after those ones. There is not much in the universe that could put me back to sleep after one of those. I can’t even hide from the pain of losing US in my sleep. There is no escaping the ache in my soul. I can fake it when I have to but there is no faking in the silent darkness of night, when the screams in my head are louder than any noise made.

You are the only one who can silence the screams and soothe my soul. And nothing hurts more than knowing that there will be no silence or soothing for either. US was lost. US was is broken.

Fuck. Interrupted again.

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you. Like I have never loved another soul, and probably never will.  

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To say today was a bad day is like saying Hurricane Katrina was a rainstorm…

Today was bad horrible terrible horrifying fuck it!! I can’t even find a fucking word to describe what today was. Oh wait yes I can.

BLACK

Today was full of black. I don’t have anything more tonight. I am drained. Exhausted. I don’t know how much I will be on here for a bit. Maybe I will be on here a lot. I fear I will be silent. You know how silent is no bueno for me. But silent is pretty much all I’ve got for now.

I am sorry. I miss you. I need to do this alone. I need some time. Again I am sorry.

Until we meet again my Moon. I’m sorry.

Title-less…..

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

I used to have so much to say to you. I could sit here and write to you for hours. I know deep down I still could. I have tried, I have tried several times but my fingers don’t work right, my mind won’t work right, so I end up getting pissed, giving up and staying SILENT.

I know that one reason I am not writing to you is because I have so much anger, hurt, sadness and anxiety inside about what’s going on right now and what and how I am going to deal with it that it has taken over all the love and happiness of US. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I am supposed to let you help me or push you away and battle it together?

Fuck I actually think I could write right now but I am being ‘interrupted’. RUDE!!

I started this post earlier but I am back now. I don’t remember what I was saying before. So I guess it is going to be something new. I miss you, not that is particularly new but I do. I miss you so much when you are gone. And I push so hard when you are here. Fucked up. I am so busy being in ‘distract’ mode when we are together and it is exhausting. I am so busy trying to focus on anything but your words and love. If I don’t then that tingle starts, immediately, and I start to lose focus on what I need to be doing, thinking, not thinking, not doing, you see what I mean, it’s exhausting just trying to describe.

No matter how hard I try there are still moments when US breaks through, when my breath is stolen, when your words tug gently on her, when the butterfly wings start flicking and beating like they are stuck in a mason jar fighting their way out, and that is when I want to give into US so bad and then, before I really even have any time to process it, the anxiety and darkness come crashing over me like a tidal wave. It pulls me back from US so violently it scares me. I can feel myself not be able to feel my lungs, like there is a vice on them constricting them. Fear creeps up my spine and I can almost feel its creepy long fingers wrap themselves around me. I hate it. It is the worst mixture of feelings I can imagine. Going from this, almost euphoric, serene, feeling to the worst, alone, feeling imaginable.

Well, it seems like my writing funk is over, at least for the night. But I must cut this short before I really do go on forever. It feels so good to just put on the music and let my fingers do what they have wanted to for so long, put these demons down so that I can hopefully move on from them. Or at least forget about them for a bit.

I am sorry this is happening right now. I am sorry that you are having to deal with my emotional rants and tears so much. Thank you. Thank you for loving me like I have needed to be loved for so long now. I hope that I can learn to love you back like you so deserve. I think I just might be able to, I mean after all I have the best teacher EVER  showing me how it is done (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I miss you.