I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

I’m sorry I made you mad…

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I’m yours… Even if you don’t want me.

Only one more night of this year. Fuck to the yea…

Dear Universe, Please show me something Amazing today… Make me feel alive.


 

Hey there.

I miss you. I want to lie in bed with you all day and just get lost in your love and snuggle into you, wrapped in your arms, forever. In your arms is the only place that I feel safe, it is the only time that I am able to fully breathe.

And that scares me. I need to be able to be okay on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to fall asleep at night and not constantly be woken with nightmares.

I guess I am going to stop this now. It isn’t making me feel better for some reason. I am feeling a bit worse right now actually.

I am going to blast some music, my specialty, and get lost in cleaning, until I can get lost in US.

I love you.

I miss you.

I’m yours.

 

 

 

Guess who’s wide awake and has to be at work in 6 hours? Yup, Me can you say…

I miss you.

I love you.

I wish I was snuggled in your love, fast asleep.

I’m yours.

But… Will you still love me, tomorrow?

 

Am I wanting too much? Am I smothering you again? Is this real? Are we really back in this together? Was it too late? Will our souls find each other again? Do you want this? Did you ever want this?

I have a lot of questions that are swarming right now. I want to get lost in US. I want to try to find my way back to you. I don’t want to feel so awkward around you anymore. I don’t know how to be real with you anymore and it scares me. I don’t think I have ever been able to be anything but real with you before and now I try to pretend I’m okay and not struggling to breathe every breath.

I get butterflies when you call me. I get the tingles when I think of the time we were able to spend together today, it literally hit me at the most awkward times today at work but also brought a smile and flutter to the butterflies. I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I can’t stop thinking of the way I feel when I am with you. I can feel you in every cell of my body sometimes, like our souls are colliding, and I can’t believe how much I missed it. I can’t believe how much I have blocked or tried to forget about US.

I don’t remember what it feels like to not be a bother to you. I don’t remember what it feels like to know you will be there. I go to sleep every night; well I try to go to sleep every night, wondering if you will be there when I wake up. I wake, with a start each morning feeling the heaviness of your absence in the pit of my stomach, scared to call you for fear that you won’t answer again and that is NOT how I want to start my day.

I want to start it with you, US, the way every day should start, with a love that is unexplainable and extraordinary.

I am fearful that none of my days with start the way they should and that my nights, that are supposed to be filled with US, will be empty and lonely.

I’m sorry.

I miss you.

I love you.

 

 

 

 

 

Today sucks, and I’ve only been up for a few hours… I can hardly wait for the rest of the day.

Today is one of those days. The kind of day where I don’t want to get out of bed but the thought of being left alone with my thoughts is enough to get me rushing out  of bed.

I was weak again today. I called you as soon as I could muster up enough energy to get my head off the pillow. You were busy. You are always busy. I feel like I am interrupting you all the time now. It is a horrible feeling. Maybe it would have been best if none of this ever happened.

I’m sure you wish the same.

Don’t let me go… I’m stupid, I say dumb things, don’t you know you were never supposed to listen to me?

 

It’s been awhile since I have had the time to write. The only thing missing is a glass of wine but I just don’t feel like one so it’s just me, this, and the moon tonight. And I can only think of a few other things I would rather be doing.

I had to change the song because Eminem makes it so easy to be angry so The Fray it is. I think I found the title of my post tonight. Thank you The Fray for speaking the words I can’t. Enough side tracking let me say what I have wanted to say all day.

I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. It actually physically hurts in my bones sometimes, and weird ones that I don’t think I have ever paid attention to before the ache in them gave me no other choice but to notice.

I was interrupted so I have no freaking idea where I was going or what I was saying. I know how I am feeling right now so lets write about that.

I am feeling so many things right now. Most of them are conflicting. I can’t help but to laugh at myself because this is what I have been saying for awhile now. Go out. Do things. Meet people. Find someone to distract you and make time move quickly instead of moving at the speed of sloth like it does for me. Of course the last one hurts the most and causes intense mixed feeling.

I want you to be happy. You are a part of my soul; of course I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. I am learning to accept that is not going to happen so the only other option is for you to find a new Happy with someone else. Even writing it gives me intense anxiety.

I kinda think you already have anyways. I can tell you are distant and I don’t know why but suspect there is a someone instead of something. I don’t really want to put down all the doubts and fears I have about that issue because it makes it too real for me.

My sleep literally consists of a series of mini nightmares. All of which consist of you, me, and someone or thing that is keeping us apart. Sometimes it is you making the choice to stay away and those ones are the worst. I don’t usually fall back to sleep after those ones. There is not much in the universe that could put me back to sleep after one of those. I can’t even hide from the pain of losing US in my sleep. There is no escaping the ache in my soul. I can fake it when I have to but there is no faking in the silent darkness of night, when the screams in my head are louder than any noise made.

You are the only one who can silence the screams and soothe my soul. And nothing hurts more than knowing that there will be no silence or soothing for either. US was lost. US was is broken.

Fuck. Interrupted again.

I miss you. I’m sorry.

I love you. Like I have never loved another soul, and probably never will.  

My song to you tonight Moon. I haven’t heard this in awhile but the feelings came flooding back.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC2Fp7IT7o&list=PL10D240B9F4EF129F&index=1&feature=plpp_video

I think that the ‘One Day’ has arrived… And I don’t know what to do. So I guess I will watch the Olympics.

I hate this feeling, the feeling like I am a bother, annoying, or worse yet, interrupting you. I hate that it took me losing the little bit of trust I had found in you to make me realize that I had in fact found trust in you.

I forgot what a horrible feeling it is to wake up from night terrors with tear soaked cheeks wondering if it will be another US-less day. I hate not being able to shake the fear I feel in the pit of my stomach that US is gone. I hate the tears that spring to my eyes and the breath that is sucked from me at random times. I hate that I want to spend hours days forever in your arms but at the same time feel like in your arms is the last place you want me to be. I feel like you want to spend as little time with me as possible, like you give me enough just to shut me up for a bit and that you are cringing the whole time.

Im so sad. I feel the sadness in my bones. My heart is heavy. My feet are heavy. Even my fingers are heavy. I want to just sleep but even my sleep is full of nightmares. I feel like I didn’t even sleep last night instead I just watched a series of horrible mini movies full of you leaving me in various ways usually ending with me crying on the floor. I’m not looking forward to sleep tonight either.

I need you. I need US to fix this. I’m scared it’s unfixable. Mostly because I don’t think you want to fix US anymore. I feel like you have reached your boiling point and are done with US.

Fuck.