What do you say when it’s the same old story but different characters?
I can say I’m not broken.
I can say that I am able to feel again but trust, well that is a whole different story.
Especially when you hear the same old crap time and time again. This time it was different, or so I thought. But isn’t that what everyone says? “this one is different, this one would never blah blibbity blah fucking blah..
Well I thought that.
And this time was different.
In different ways.
So of course when shit got crazy I sat down and wrote it out… to Him.
And so we have another love story…
Good bye my Almost Lover,
I don’t know where to begin or what to say.
I have said it all and then some in the last 24 hours…
I feel like there is nothing left to say and yet a lifetime left of words to be spoken.
How much more open could I have been? I literally gave all of myself that I had to offer to you, at a time when I was more vulnerable and broken then ever. I opened up my heart/soul/life/bed/home/family to you. I trusted you with the things that are the reason for my existence. The ONLY reasons that I continue to get out of bed every fucking morning.
Because lets face it, I was hardly existing the fucked hand I had been dealt.
But you walked in.
At a coffee shop.
And all of a sudden all of the blurry, fuzziness in life came into focus and suddenly everything was vibrant and colorful. I felt, what I can only describe as an electrical buzz, in my being, like I all of sudden knew what it meant and felt like to connect with another soul. I literally felt my soul connect with you.
Within hours of meeting you my soul craved closeness with yours in a way that I will never be able to put into words but will spend my lifetime trying to.
I can’t even explain it now.
All I can say is WoW..
And I haven’t even gotten to what it is like to be in your arms.
I can’t, and don’t even want to try to, explain what the feeling of being wrapped in your presence, feeling you on my body being surrounded by all of the amazingness we were making.. it is indescribable. literally.
I have dreamt of feeling the emotions and feelings that you produced in me since I was a little girl.
I even thought I found them once in my life. That is basically the reason I have a place to write this currently, because I thought I had found ‘the one’ but I was so very wrong and broken.
But then that Wednesday in the café happened and I realized that everything I had thought I knew about love was just childs play compared to what I was feeling being with you.
I was so wrapped up in the connection that I found with you that I was foolish with my heart and trust. You listened to my stories of hurt and sorrow. You stared into my eyes as I opened up to you and poured out all of the pain I had in my being. You convinced me with your words, as you were wiping the tears from my cheeks, that you would never hurt me and allow the same tears to flow because of you or your actions.
and yet when they were flowing and I could no longer hold them back.. You sat there. Unmoving. Staring. Not once even thinking of wiping a tear or caressing my face.
Instead they leaked down my face.
My heart and soul feeling like it is literally being flushed from me. I feel like I gave myself to you. I know I gave myself to you.
I even begged you not to break me, especially not so soon.
And I was stupid and trusted you. I trusted the love I was so convinced was out of this world. And you shattered it.
I know that it seems like something so miniscule to you but to me it is everyone of my terrible nightmares come true. I told you how used I had been when it came to relationships. I told you how insecure I was when it came to other women, especially exes. I truly thought you were listening to me and cared enough to take what I was saying into consideration.
I was wrong.
I don’t know how this could ever be again.
I will spend every second we are apart thinking of you connecting with other people, especially A.
I will question every noise your phone makes when we are together, not to mention how many times a day the thought will run through my mind when we are apart, and never believe that it was only a fantasy football alert or a reminder alarm (even if that is truly all it is).
I already have a constant video dialogue of what the 2 of you talk about and how quickly you would return to her, or someone else, the second I walk away.
I will never trust what you have to say at face value. I’m fucked that way. I told you that.
I will forever feel hurt and disrespected that you did what you did even after I brought my son to meet you. I literally felt comfortable enough and trusted you enough with what means the most to me in the whole entire universe. and you shit all over it. You didn’t even want to take the opportunity to get to know my kid. Instead you spent the time texting someone who supposedly meant nothing to you while ignoring the child you had waited so long to meet.
I’ll never understand that.
I was so honored and privileged to be able to spend time with your children that the last thing I would have ever thought to do would have been to text with someone who supposedly was nothing to me. I had guilt having to deal with the situation I had to last weekend around them, and you know how unavoidable that was..
I don’t know where I am going with this. I’ve typed over a thousand fucking words and still there is about a lifetime left to get out.
I don’t remember why I started writing to you tonight. I think I was trying to answer some of the questions you had asked me but I obviously got off on a tangent and probably missed all of them and then some…
And to be honest I don’t even know what I wrote up to this point… MOst likely a whole bunch of nothing..
Which is exactly what I feel right now…