I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

I can’t even look at my eyes in the mirror anymore without thinking about how much you said you loved them… Or was that a lie too?

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I have more unfinished posts than I’d like to admit but so many of the recent ones are full of anger and sorrow that I don’t want to post them. Maybe I will at some point compile them into one post but that would require me to read them a bit and I don’t read after I write and the few times I have read I don’t even remember writing the words but I can almost always remember the feelings…. sidetracked.

I think where I was going with this is that even though there are times when I am filled with so much dislike and anger for you, but then… then there are times when there isn’t enough anger or dislike in the world to mask the hurt and sadness I feel from the loss of you, like now. I am so sad thinking about how I was stupid to even think that there was a possibility of you really being the man I fell in love with. I knew then and I know now that’s never going to be a possibility. Does that stop or lessen the hurt or longing for you? Not one bit. I don’t know if anything ever will.

I have been thinking about so much again when it comes to you and I, love, relationships, soul mates, and everyfuckingthing else, I have enough time since I don’t sleep anymore, I thought I had gotten past this. I thought I was beyond all of the panic attacks, night terrors, screaming/crying, and all of the other darkness that comes with the loss of you but since you decided to come in and treat me worse than before I have regressed more than I’d like to admit. I have been clingy, weak, and pathetic. I am not proud to admit that I had to stop myself from sending texts, although I’m sure you wouldn’t call that stopping myself… trust me when I say I did, I could have text you a novel, several times over, but I didn’t so I consider that stopping myself. It took me a bit to realize that I was begging for your love again, you had given me just enough attention to suck me back in, you turned on just enough charm and knew all the right things to say (why wouldn’t you though since I ou have spent the last 3 years baring my soul to you) and the flirty little words to whisper. And I fell for it. For every word. Every. Fucking. Word. I had my doubts of course, but I could only remember the good in you at that time and all the good I was kinda feeling at the time won out.

Plus I didn’t want to let myself think that there was anyway that you would do the same thing to me again. I mean, there was no reason to. We weren’t together, you had left me for another chick, I knew about her, there was no fucking reason for you to lie to me about anything. And yet you still did. Even after I gave you every opportunity to be honest you chose to continue to be fake and lie and say that you were over her and hadn’t talked in weeks, you realized how much you missed me, you wished you could have me back, I told you how broken I was, I told you how there was no need for false promises or fake words because I had no wants, the baby’s and I love you’s that you were throwing out were only welcomed if they were true and from the heart and yet you still continued, the only thing I asked of you over and over was to not hurt me, to not fill me full of empty promises, please don’t hurt me… you cried to me and promised. You begged me to make love with you.. why? why would you come back only to break me more? Did you really think that I would survive you turning your back on me again? Or is it that you truly don’t care about me?

You get so mad when I question your love for me. You get pissed off and angry that I would ever doubt that what you said was true but then you do things like this to me. You act like I’m nothing. You forget that I’m a person, with a real soul. I might just be a video call to you but I truly exist. I am as real as she is and if you wouldn’t treat her like this then you shouldn’t treat me like this because I am no less important on this earth than she is. You don’t have to love me, I understand that the soul loves who it loves, I don’t fault you for that, it’s the way you treat me that is wrong. Don’t love me, don’t ever think about me again that is fine but don’t knowingly do hurtful things to me. I deserve better than that, any person does.

I had to take a break from writing for a bit and just reset before I let myself get too carried away down the path of darkness. I realized that the only person that is hurting from this is me and I am choosing to not give you that much power over me anymore.

I have spent my fair share time thinking of how I could get my revenge on you, how could I hurt you the most? After many hours I have finally realized that the best revenge I could ever get on you… is to find my happy again, find the me that I was when I was most in love with you and try to be her again. I will allow myself to be broken/hurt/sad and whatever else I need to deal with the loss of you but then I need to let you go, forever, and then allow myself to heal. I need to keep reminding myself that I am worth the love that I thought I shared with you, I need to accept that I am capable of loving someone else with the same depth of love that I had for you because just because it wasn’t good enough for that doesn’t mean that it won’t be good enough for someone else. I need to stop comparing everything to you, I need to stop trying to compete with the love that I thought you had for me and realize that there is a beautiful love story waiting to be written for me, I just need to be ready to write it. And I’m not yet. But I can be. I will be.

Someday my fairytale will begin, my soul will heal and there will be a new cast of characters that will somehow not include you.

But you see… that is the hardest thing for me to accept.. how the fuck does my story not include you?!?!

You were supposed to be my life so how are you not a part of my story?

Diet Mtn Dew baby New York City… Baby you’re no good for me.

 

wont forget you

I have literally spent years writing about how I’m falling truly/madly/deeply in love with you.

Now I have to struggle to find words to describe falling out of said Love, and it’s soul shattering.

I feel like the words to describe our love the love we once had flow out of me so easily,  almost barely having to think about anything before my fingers just take off and paint the most beautiful picture ever of  a truly amazing love story.

But now I have to train those same fingers to paint the picture of something that is indescribable to me, something so dark and empty that I struggle to find words to put together. Not that I’m not used to writing about dark and empty because I am, don’t get me wrong, I’m all to familiar with that.

It’s what we’ve become that I struggle with. I’m having a difficult time convincing me, that the love that once shined brighter and more brilliantly  than anything earthly imaginable has now become something that is so empty and broken that’s it’s not even recognizable.  I really don’t have words for it and I am sure nobody cares but me anyway.

That doesn’t stop the hurt that I still feel from it, it also doesn’t stop the nightmares that wake me from the small naps that I try to sneak in at night (most people would refer to said naps as sleeping or bedtime, you know where you sleep at least 6 hours maybe even 8, yea I get 2 hour naps, if I’m lucky). Sadly I can try to convince myself all day long with my ‘I am okay, I got this, no one can stop me now’ attitude, but at night when the world is quiet and the house is silent there is no convincing my aching soul…

I wish I could just throw myself into another love like you have but I can’t.

I can’t find it in my broken soul to fake it.

Which only makes me freak out more thinking about how you have moved on and how you tell her how you are in love with her and how you would compare it to the love we had but there is NO way possible that you could have loved the way you said you did and already recovered so quickly AND still have something left over to fall in love just as deeply again…

I call BULLSHIT!!

You either never loved me the way you said all these years and everyfuckingthing was fake or… You don’t love her as much as you think you do and she’s just a band-aid for your broken soul. Bad thing about band-aids is you can’t keep them on forever, eventually you have to rip those bitches off as quick possible and toss ’em in the trash. But it literally only hurts for a second you’ve forgotten about the band-aid before it’s even hit the can.

I’m not looking for any kind of band-aid, I’m feeling and experiencing every terrible thing, and a few good, there is from this. I’m not trying to hide away from it and pretend like it didn’t or doesn’t matter because it did and it does. I have always been true and open to US and everything that came from US, even though this is what US has become I am still going to be just as open and honest with the pain and hurt of losing you.

I always thought you would too… How wrong I was.

 

I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

I’m still here… Kinda.

feel so empty

 

I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

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I would have loved you forever. The good kind of love.

I don’t even know what to say or where to begin because there is so much crashing around up there.

I keep replaying a conversation I had with Him recently. He was yelling/telling me how I am wasting my time looking for the kind of love that doesn’t exist. He was trying to convince me how I should give in and have sex with him, how that would be the best solution to our ‘problems’ (which are pretty much he wants sex and I don’t, I should though because if I just gave in it would probably make things less tense here but I can’t do it because I’m stuck on stupid and don’t see myself with anyone else but you which is fucking ridiculous because you don’t ever want to be with me again so if I am basically sentencing myself to a life of sexual misery…)

See what I mean about I don’t know where to begin.

I can’t even explain all the crazy that is going on inside of me right now.

I am having a hard time making any kind of decision without thinking of how it would affect you or US. I have spent years planning each step with the end destination being US.

It sucks.

I am still making decisions with the thought of you and I in mind but you aren’t a part of the equation anymore. I am left alone. I don’t have you there to tell me it’s okay. I don’t have you there to love me or care for me.

Nobody cares for me anymore.

I have to take care of everyone but there is no one here to take care of me.

I don’t have a lot of things without you anymore…

I miss just staring at each other with big dumb smiles on our face.

I miss looking up and seeing that you are looking at me smiling your sexy smirk.

I miss getting butterflies at the drop of a hat.

I miss struggling to catch my breath because you keep stealing it away for all the right reasons.

I miss the way I feel when I’m with you.

I miss the way all you had to do was whisper, ‘come here baby…’ and I immediately I felt the tingles begin as well as safe, secure & loved.

I miss waking up in the middle of the night and you being there loving me back to sleep.

I miss the way you held me, before and after.

I miss the way we could spend hours lost in each other but still never quite get enough.

I miss the way it didn’t matter how many times if you said more she was ready and responding.

Ugh….

I’m depressing myself.

Do you miss any of these things?

Did you even feel any of these things?

Did I make them all up?

I’m convinced I had the wildest and crazy dream about you last night. It felt so real, I could hear you say everything you used to and I’m pretty sure due to sleep deprivation.

 

Fck the pain away… anyone.

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I am breaking.

You don’t care.

I don’t either.

I’m pretty much just a shell now.

There is nothing left of me but my physical self.

I sit in a room full of people but I’m not really present. I’m stuck inside my head repeating your hurtful words over and over while at the same time trying to breathe/not cry/hold it together in front of everyone. I pull out my phone and pretend to scroll through instagram just to distract myself. It only lasts a few minutes before I have to just walk out. I can’t hold the tears in any longer.

I’ve spent the day thinking of how in the last few months I have pushed away any male that has tried to get close to me. I’ve been too scared about feeling guilty like I’m betraying US. I’ve been too concerned about not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I let them know I’m not available, that my heart is not whole. I push them away as well as their compliments.

I have nothing to offer anyone.

I gave my heart to you and you shattered it.

I gave you my soul and you killed it.

I’m just a walking corpse now.

So I guess I am available if all they want is to fuck me.

That’s all I have to give them anyway.

Letting go is the hardest thing of all… isn’t it?

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I’m pretty much going crazy and about to explode. So I’m gonna try to get some crazy out and write a little bit.

I’m sad. I know I’m always sad but I just feel sadder for some reason.

I’m confused. I don’t understand you at all. I don’t understand me either. I don’t understand why I care so much about what someone else, who doesn’t even care enough about me to pick up a phone or return a text and hasn’t for MONTHS now, thinks about me or what choices I’m making. Why do I? Why do I care so fucking much about what you would think or how you would feel in just about ever thing I do?!?

Why?!

You don’t care about me.

You have made that obvious with your actions, or lack thereof, for months now. There have been multiple times where…

Ugh.

Why do I do this? Why do I beat myself up? Why do I continue to question everything? Why do I push away people who are trying to get close to me for someone who’s actions show that they hate me?

Why don’t I get excited when someone calls me beautiful if it’s not you?

Why does it take a whisper from you to ignite things inside of me that nothing else can?

I’m sick of feeling guilty. I’m sick of doing or not doing things because I’m afraid of how you would feel or react. It doesn’t matter how you would feel or react because you chose not to be a part of my life anymore.

You made a conscious decision  to not be a part of my life.

You walked away.

You decided that whatever we had was not worth fighting for.

So…

I’m not going to try to hold on to you anymore.

I’m not going to actively be a part of your life anymore.

I’m not going to make decisions based on how I think you will feel or react.

You don’t do anything based on how you think I feel.

You don’t care about how I feel at all.

 

Kick me when I’m down… I’m pretty sure that’s how you treat a lady, especially your lady.

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You know when something terrible or awful happens and you can’t stop yourself from running to the bathroom to puke because it’s coming up no matter what and the closest place is the loo?

Yea, that just happened…

I’m so stupid.

I’m so dumb for wasting so much time and emotion on someone who treats me the way you do.

You are too busy to respond to a text but when you do you respond with a fuck you?!

What?

I deserved that huh?

I deserve to be ignored only to have the communication we do have be so cruel?

I mean I get that you don’t respond but why when you do does it have to be hurtful? Why does the only interaction I have with you have to be so full of hate?

You don’t want me to let you go. But you give me nothing to hold on to.

What exactly am I holding on to?

Nothing.

I’m so fucking stupid.

I literally feel like a part of me has been shut off. Like a light bulb has surged and burnt out never to be replaced.

I feel dead.

How fucking stupid is that?

Seriously?

I allowed you in and trusted you and now the part of me that belonged to you is dead and I did it all for what?

For nothing.

I’m so pathetic.

I have spent years loving someone who could walk away without looking back. Not only did you walk away but you did it in the cruelest way possible.

I’m so stupid.

Ugh….

I hate that I can feel so broken while you are living a life that I don’t exist in.

I was going to walk away from the life I have here with my kids, I was seriously thinking about uprooting the life they know so that we could be together.

I spent fucking years of my life believing in something that was just a game for you.

Were you ever seriously in love with me?

Did you really plan on moving here and being with me?

Why the hell do I love someone so much who doesn’t even exist.

You know I love you right? You know I love you like I’ve never loved another soul on this earth and never will again. I was willing to love you with every ounce of my being, what am I saying?

I do love you with every ounce of my being…

The only thing that could make the ending of our love story any better was if you went back to your ex wife in the end…

I’m sure if she’d take you back you’d go.

And if that happens…

I just might fucking die.

I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

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I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?