I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

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I can’t feel your soul… I can’t feel anything.

sound of your soul

 

I have vowed to not contact you anymore.

Not for your sake but for mine.

Really I shouldn’t care about you anymore. I shouldn’t give a flying fuck if you are upset or annoyed if I call or text you.

But I do.

I care too damn much.

If I didn’t care about you and love you so fucking much than this wouldn’t be such a big ordeal. I wouldn’t be laying broken on the ground begging for the end if I didn’t think that we were worth every fucking second of the pain and embarrassment that I feel, and believe me I am so ashamed for loving you as much as I do, because everything I felt/said/whispered/cried/yelled/screamed/moaned was real.

It all came from the realest place possible.

I loved you literally from the depths of my soul.

When I am alone is the hardest times to keep it together.

When there is nothing or no one around to distract/witness my brokenness I can’t stop the tears that fall. 

I can’t stop the sobs that escape. Sometimes the sounds that make it out scare me. I can only describe them as screams from the soul. There is no stopping them. I don’t even try anymore. There is too much hurt and loss to hold back anymore.

So I have no other choice but to let it out.

How miserable must life have been with me that this is the better alternative. It makes me so sick and sad that I made you so unhappy that life without me is better.

I can’t wrap my head around that.

I don’t think I will ever be able to.

I don’t think I will ever understand anything worse than life without you.

But you have decided the opposite.

You have chose a life without me and are living it like I never existed, like US never happened or meant anything, and I will never be able to understand that either.

I can’t ever imagine life with you being so miserable, until the way you have treated me recently, that I would rather live a life without you than with you.

What could I have possibly done to deserve this?

Seriously?!

Fucking tell me.

Did I love you too much?

Was it wanting you to come to bed with me at night that did it? I didn’t even care what you did before you came to bed I just wanted you to be with me through the night, holding and loving me. Was that too much?

Did I not love you enough?

I can’t imagine that was it. I am sickened myself by how much I loved you.

I guess I could spend eternity asking what I did wrong. And I just might.

But right now I have to stop.

I have to try to convince myself to stop this madness and just walk away from the computer right now.

But I don’t know how.

It’s the only thing that is keeping me sane right now.

It is the only thing that is helping me stay on this planet.

Because I don’t want to be here anymore.

I don’t want to pretend like I am going get over this.

Because I’m not.

I can’t.

I can only hope I learn how to live with the loss of you.

For now I will live each day hoping that somewhere, even if here on earth is not it, we are destined to be together.

Until we meet again…

I die every second we aren’t together… And you don’t even notice that I’m gone.

just like that

I haven’t called or text you all day.

Did that stop the thoughts of you from running through my head constantly?

FUCK NO!!

I literally had to stop myself from reaching out to you all day. Every second I think of you.

And it kills me that you don’t ever think of me.

It kills me that you are just fine living the rest of your life without me.

Were you relieved today that I was not bothering you?

Did it feel good to not have to avoid my call/text all day long? Did you even notice that I haven’t called?

Have you thought about me at all today?

Do you ever think about me?

Do you think about what life is like without me and does it make you happy?

Are you excited to live the rest of your life without me?

I spent the day concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other so that I wouldn’t stumble and fall. I focused on taking in deep breaths so that I wouldn’t forget to breathe. I constantly had to talk myself out of contacting you and tried to distract myself from thinking of you and how I would survive the next few seconds without you.

How will I survive a fucking lifetime more?

Will I?

Do I even want to?

It doesn’t matter if I want to or not because I have to.

You decided to live without me and now I have to learn how to live each second without feeling anything but dead and empty.

I miss you every fucking second of every fucking day and I will for ever.

I love you.

I’m yours.

If I’m silent on here I just might be tweeting it up on Twitter… Because that’s how I tweet, I mean roll.

tweet

 

Sometimes I find it easier to just post small snippets of my crazy when I am hurt/sad/mad/angry/happy/broke/hysterical etc.

I don’t always have a blog full of crazy to get out.

Sometimes it can be done in 139 characters or less.

Sometimes.

No jazzy title tonight… only tears my friends

image

I’m so exhausted. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so sick of missing you. I’m so confused about so many things. You were are my soul mate. You were supposed to be my forever. But just because our forever didn’t work doesn’t take away you being my soul mate.
And that is super shitty…
How do you make your soul forget about it’s mate, the reason for its being… it’s impossible.
I go through the day with a feeling of loss in the pit of me. There is not a second that goes by that isn’t a struggle to breathe. Nothing I try to tell myself helps. Nothing can take away the memories of US that linger.
And it sucks.
I’m exhausted. I’m tired of hurting.
I’m struggling to survive. I’m trying to breathe. I’m hoping to let go, like you did. I want to know how you do it, how did you forget about US so easily? Please, please let me in on your secret. Help me ease the ache my bones feel from the loss of you. Convince me that the huge, gaping, black hole that you left behind can be fixed.
Because the only fix I can think of is you. And it’s obvious that’s no longer an option…

You are my ONE unlike any other… And please help me unleash the WILD inside baby.

No matter what experiences you and your partner has been through, going through, or maybe even an ongoing conflict that keep you guys attitude pumping. There will always be a reason not to leave when u are deeply in love with that person. When your heart agrees with your brain and create a confirmed  understanding of what love really means. There are plenty reasons to leave, but there’s only one good reason to stay, and that’s the feelings of those who are soul mates. ~ written by LoveAdjust

 

Thank you for those beautifully written words Love (: Thanks for kicking my ass into gear and reminding that no matter what fear, anxiety, or CrAzInEsS I am feeling that there is always the ONE reason to stay…

Moon is my SOUL. And he is worth all of the above and so, so, much more.

I love you Moon. I am so sorry that I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved because I do. I know that I do. Everyone deserves to feel a love like US. I am so happy that I found you when I did. I don’t know if I would have appreciated a love like yours if I would have found you before now. So I guess for as broken as I am it has made me realize not to take your love for granted. That there are not many people who find a love like US. Thank you for showing me a love like you have. I promise that I will fight my hardest for US. I can’t promise that it will not be a crazy, wild, fucked up, ride but I promise to give it my all.

I love you.

Check out LoveAdjust’s original post here (: