Another broken hearted V-Day… Shocker.

Dear Universe,

Some how I ended up parked in our spot, in what is honestly one of the “hard days” of a year with a broken heart and a soul ache that just don’t stop..

I haven’t text him yet. I did slip up, (literally my finger swiped right on his name) and called but I am not even mad honestly because I heard his voice. Oddly, (or terrifyingly stalkerish to some) just hearing his voice took a tiny bit of hurt out of my heart and calmed it.

He has always had that affect on me, even in our darkest times He brought me calmness.

Maybe that’s why I’m parked here, trying to soak up any tiny bit of us that w may be left behind in this universe.

I looked up and a hummingbird flew up right in front of me, flittered around and I know coming here was the right thing to do today.

I’m not ready to let go of my love for Him completely, and honestly don’t think I ever will be. But I can find comfort in his happiness, even with out me.

And that’s how I know I was meant to love him, forever. Even from a far. I can be his biggest supporter and fiercest fan, I’ll just do it from the side lines hidden in the crowd.

I’m not saying all is fixed and it’s better. But I know that it will be.

Typing this, the sun peaked out and is shining bright on me to say the Universe agrees.

Happy Friday the 14th ya’ll.

A peak inside the first 8 weeks… Of a lifetime without Him, great.

Dear Universe,

I made it through 8 weeks, my first of a lifetime, with no Him.

Panic immediately sets in after typing that, because what if we are blessed with more than one lifetime?

I may have to go through more than 1 lifetime without Him?

WTF?

I’m not okay with that.

I’m not okay with one more second, let alone a lifetime, or many…

Seriously..

How are we here?

I’m questioning my decision of staying so quiet during most of our time together. But after having all this time to think I’ve come to the conclusion that I was scared to put it out here because I didn’t believe it would really last.

Or maybe I was just selfish with it and wanted to keep it to myself.
I didn’t want to share the amazing that we had because honestly there aren’t really words to describe most of it.

I mean I can describe it in certain ways. But I can’t actually delve into the feelings/emotions we shared because I don’t know of any words that could do it justice.

Love works, but even that is not a true enough description.

This will jump every place and then probably circle back… several times… before making sense, if any at all..

I’m not in a good place.

So to save myself, or at least in an attempt to try, I come here.. to write it out.

I’m currently in the process of writing Him a goodbye letter.

I’m failing.

Miserably..

I shake so much every time I try it’s impossible and I give up quickly.

And the tears? Yeah… those are a fucking joke too..

GPS took me by his work today.

My heart was pounding.

My legs we’re shaking.

The tears sprang to my eyes and burned my throat.

Why would the universe do this to me?

I’ve been trying so hard to stay away… give him the life and space he wants.

I repeat in my head over and over and over, more times a day than I would like to admit, He doesn’t want you, He didn’t choose you, He doesn’t want you, He doesn’t want you…

You get it… its an endless freaking cycle and I’m so exhausted I wish I could sleep this all away but I can’t even do that because I’m not okay in those either.

I keep trying to distract myself and throw myself into other things to stay busy and hopefully have less time to be alone in my thoughts.. it works for small spurts, and then I am back to the thoughts.

And my thoughts tell me that I need to let Him go, I need to realize that He wasn’t mine to keep and that I need be more appreciative that our souls connected and shared.

Ugh.

Also, can I just say that breakups are bullshit!

The privilege of meeting, knowing, and loving you… I’ll never forget it.

Dear Universe,

I thought I smelled Him today.

For a split second, in the middle of 1 of the busiest places to be, with thousands of people around, I caught myself searching the crowd for Him. I was convinced that He would be right there, he had to be, I could fucking smell him.

But as quickly as it came it was gone.

And I was left standing in the middle of a stream of flowing people, searching for someone who will never be close enough for me too smell again.

I miss Him so bad.

I wake up each morning and 1 of the first things I do is look at His picture. And at night when I’m tossing and turning, I pull out my phone and stare at His picture, again. I usually throw in an I love you… or even I miss you…

I miss His face, smile, eyes, beard, hands, fingers, lips… you get the point I’m sure.

I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Him.

This is such a different connection and relationship than anything I’ve ever experienced before and the severing of it is torture.

I’m trying my hardest to write but honestly even having to type these thoughts into reality is making my stomach hurt.

I just keep telling myself that He chose to be where he is. I’m not saying that I didn’t help make his decision a little bit easier being so chicken shit…. but he is ultimately responsible for his own choices, regardless of what I did or did not do.

I’m just trying to keep reminding myself that.

I’m failing.

Miserably.

Not even donuts taste the same.

Dear Universe,

I don’t want to not know Him anymore.

I can’t stop from missing him.

I miss his scruff. I miss his touch. I miss his kids.

I still find my throat going dry, my heart racing, and tears streaming down to my neck, at any given memory.

It sucks.

And it hurts.

It’s hard to remember to forget when he was literally a part of almost every piece of my life for 3 years.

He’s every love song that comes on.

He’s every lavender bubble bath I take.

He’s in every crash of the waves.

He’s every full moon and star.

He’s every pork chop I force myself to cook.

He’s every donut I choke down.

He’s everything.

He’s not mine.

Help me.

So this is Christmas… Baby, please come home.

Dear Universe,

I just miss Him.

I still wake up every morning exhausted from a restless sleep full of me searching desperately for Him..

I am pretty much 100% positive that having your mojo stolen is a real thing! And He took mine! I try not to get TMI on the personal information, cuz you know.. I’m not a sex blog… but I haven’t orgasmed since He left.. and that’s a WHOLE other story…..

He is still the last thought through my mind at night and the first face my mind sees every morning…

I am trying so hard to be okay. This is what He wants (or apparently doesn’t want💔) and all I can do is accept that.

I wanted to message Him today, cry about how I had so many ideas for us this Xmas, how I wasn’t planning on not having another season with him. Tell him how Santa sucks because He was the only thing on My List and he’s still nowhere… but mostly I want to know how he forgot about me so easily? Could I get some pointers? I could really use the help..

I’m trying…

I pinky.

That is all I got… Merry Tuesday..

Saying Goodbye hurt… Never saying Hello again is killing me.

Dear Universe,

I’m nervous as I sit down here to write. My hands are trembling and I have butterflies in my belly, I’m a bit nervous, and it actually has nothing to do with my sad and hurting heart. Of course I am sad and broken, otherwise, would I really be here again? Sobbing out all my sorrows to a Universe that could give a flying saucer about me? Yeah, probably not.

This time is different though… I say that a lot I know but this time it is. I have kept to much of what has been going on the last few years to myself. For lots of reasons but mostly because I am so protective of what we found that I didn’t want to put it out in the Universe. I didn’t’ want to share it with anybody. And to be completely honest I was so wrapped up in soaking up every second that we could together that by the time we were apart I was only trying to maintain enough until we could be together again.

Is this where I put in the backstory? Do I even need to put a backstory? Just thinking about having to type out Our Story makes me want to gag because the ending is nothing that I imagined it would be and yet it’s the everything and nothing I knew it’d turn out to be. For the sake of the internet I will put a bit out there…

We met at a time that I was more broken and alone than I had truly ever been. The ugliness that I had been living, since long before Moon made an entrance, had taken a turn for the absolute worst and was at that point in time… non existent. I chose at that time to fill my time with the wonderful world of online dating. Can ya blame a girl? I’m a fool!! Basically after MONTHS of just putzing around and meeting NO ONE, because honestly I had no intention of ever meeting anyone!! I didn’t even entertain the idea of setting up a ‘date’ and the few times that the issue was pressed I moved on and they quickly lost interest.. until 1 night… I was scrolling through old messages and came across a profile I had messaged months before with no response, but after stalking His profile again I decided I was going to send another, “Hey there” message. This time He responded, and there was a moment (a very fucking long one) where I could replay our first conversation over in my head almost verbatim. Partly because we only messaged a few times late into the night the first time and by the next day He had somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee by noon!!!

I have no fucking idea what came over me that day… I probably will never know, at least while I’m walking this earth, but it was one of the BEST and WORST choices I’ve ever made.

I pulled into the parking lot a bundle full of nerves. WTF was I doing?! I was supposed to be filling my lonely nights with some innocent (insert huge eye roll) talk not setting up coffee dates and meeting my soulmate.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I got out of the car. Walked across the parking lot and was greeted with a huge hug by the person who literally completes my soul.

We talked for as long as our busy schedules would allow, said our goodbyes and from that instant on my soul/heart/being was changed.

Within hours we blew off all of our previous schedules. I got a babysitter for my littles and we were back together at Applebee’s bar being the annoying and obnoxious couple that sits on the same side of the booth, staring into each others eyes between horrifying PDA kiss scenes. I actually became that chick at the restaurant that you want to fling your pickles at.

And I didn’t care one little bit.

The only thing I cared about was being as close as humanly possible to Him. We didn’t even have to talk. Sitting next to him with our bodies touching, our lips pressed against each other, and hands intertwined it was like the 2 of us didn’t need to use words to communicate. Our souls were doing all of the connecting and we were just there for the ride.

I have never experienced something like our connection before.

And I know that I never will again.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time. For some freaking reason the Universe was always fucking against us!! We spent 3 years trying to figure our shit out. There were few times that I was fully convinced we were going to do it. Just thinking about it now takes my breath away.. We were so fucking close… so many times.

1st attempt of many at a goodbye letter… That was never meant to be.

I’m shaking….

How do you write a goodbye letter to someone you have zero desire to say goodbye, ever?

I have tried to write this too many times to count, even now the shaking is making it difficult and I’m  making more typos than a kindergartner… sorry.. but I’m spending most time focusing on breathing, literally, and then I focus on going from task A to task B, like walk into kitchen for a papertowel then walk to spill, clean up spill, walk to garbage, etc… and I’m so serious it’s fucking sad.

I probably won’t get much out or even send this cuz I am literally trying to save myself right now and before you, this is one of the ways I’d do it.. I’d write the shit out.. But now the idea of putting anything you and I out in the universe feels wrong, like it’s ours and not to share, which again is so crazy because I share the fuck out of my crazy usually…

Nothing is okay anymore..

I’m having panic/anxiety attacks.. my heart races, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m ice cold and sweating at the same time.

And it’s been barely 24 hours since I’ve reached out to you.

The first 24 are the hardest some say, I call bullshit. Every fucking day/minute/second is a second farther away from the last time I was with you, a part of you, loved by you… See it’s a scary place inside my head..

I’ve learned that there are all different types of crying. There’s the crying that comes from the depths of your soul and it’s not really a cry but more of a howlish yell I’d call it. There’s the sneaky kind that creeps up on you in the weirdest places, like the grocery check out line, and before you even know what’s happening there’s just tears leaking down your face and you look like a complete fool who’s crying over US Magazine or Mars bars being on sale. There’s crying that is more like a wail than a cry. There’s ugly crying. There’s crying until you can’t catch your breath. There’s silent crying. There’s tearless crying. Even your soul can cry. I know all of this because I have cried all of these cries… and many more.

Worse than the crying are the moments when the reality that I’ll never hear/see/be with you again reach in and steal my breath, make my heart skip beats, and my stomach sinks to the soles of my feet. Just writing it is difficult. This can’t be real. This can’t be reality.

But it is.

You are gone.

There’s no going back.

I’ve sat here for 4 minutes just trying to get my breath back. It sucks the tiny bit left in my soul to even write it, I can’t even accept it in writing, let alone reality.

Your last message, before you blocked me… again, was… “Gotta go, driving now… Message you Sunday night when I’m back.”

That was 3 days ago.

Sunday night has come and gone. I haven’t heard from you. I, oddly enough, haven’t reached out to you. I’m not going too…

You blocked me.

You left me.

You lied to me.

You left me.

You destroyed me.

You broke my soul and stole my heart.

You sold me on a fake forever.

You don’t deserve me.

And I’ll love you forever… in a way that I don’t think even I will ever understand.

I guess that means I’ll be back here with a vengeance, typing out as much crazy as possible, in a whole bunch of meaningless fucking posts that should have ended up to you but instead ends up here…

I can only dream of a time that the pain from the loss of you doesn’t physically hurt. I can wish for a time that you are not my first and last thought, about everything. I can imagine an existence where I am not faking the okay between fits of complete despair.

Like how the fuck are you doing this? How are you okay?

Well you know that I have my own ideas on how you are coping, they all include sex, women, and most likely alcohol. I’m kinda disgusted that you can even think of moving on yet. I don’t know how you fall out of love so quickly and then it hits me… you didn’t fall out quickly, you fell out long ago.. you just didn’t tell me cuz I was your back burner until better came along… and looks like her husband left her and you find your happy. I read it with my own fucking eyes and I still was stupid enough to believe that we would overcome it because we were more than that.

Ha!

Wrong again, I was…

Now I’m sitting here with snot and tears running all the way down to my boobs, writing a goodbye letter to the man who was literally made of my dreams and promised me the world…

So for now the posts to the universe are on hold. I’m back to saving myself, only this time it’s so much fucking worse and even fucking scarier.

Fuckernutters.

 

 

What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.