1st attempt of many at a goodbye letter… That was never meant to be.

I’m shaking….

How do you write a goodbye letter to someone you have zero desire to say goodbye, ever?

I have tried to write this too many times to count, even now the shaking is making it difficult and I’m  making more typos than a kindergartner… sorry.. but I’m spending most time focusing on breathing, literally, and then I focus on going from task A to task B, like walk into kitchen for a papertowel then walk to spill, clean up spill, walk to garbage, etc… and I’m so serious it’s fucking sad.

I probably won’t get much out or even send this cuz I am literally trying to save myself right now and before you, this is one of the ways I’d do it.. I’d write the shit out.. But now the idea of putting anything you and I out in the universe feels wrong, like it’s ours and not to share, which again is so crazy because I share the fuck out of my crazy usually…

Nothing is okay anymore..

I’m having panic/anxiety attacks.. my heart races, I can’t breathe, I feel like I’m ice cold and sweating at the same time.

And it’s been barely 24 hours since I’ve reached out to you.

The first 24 are the hardest some say, I call bullshit. Every fucking day/minute/second is a second farther away from the last time I was with you, a part of you, loved by you… See it’s a scary place inside my head..

I’ve learned that there are all different types of crying. There’s the crying that comes from the depths of your soul and it’s not really a cry but more of a howlish yell I’d call it. There’s the sneaky kind that creeps up on you in the weirdest places, like the grocery check out line, and before you even know what’s happening there’s just tears leaking down your face and you look like a complete fool who’s crying over US Magazine or Mars bars being on sale. There’s crying that is more like a wail than a cry. There’s ugly crying. There’s crying until you can’t catch your breath. There’s silent crying. There’s tearless crying. Even your soul can cry. I know all of this because I have cried all of these cries… and many more.

Worse than the crying are the moments when the reality that I’ll never hear/see/be with you again reach in and steal my breath, make my heart skip beats, and my stomach sinks to the soles of my feet. Just writing it is difficult. This can’t be real. This can’t be reality.

But it is.

You are gone.

There’s no going back.

I’ve sat here for 4 minutes just trying to get my breath back. It sucks the tiny bit left in my soul to even write it, I can’t even accept it in writing, let alone reality.

Your last message, before you blocked me… again, was… “Gotta go, driving now… Message you Sunday night when I’m back.”

That was 3 days ago.

Sunday night has come and gone. I haven’t heard from you. I, oddly enough, haven’t reached out to you. I’m not going too…

You blocked me.

You left me.

You lied to me.

You left me.

You destroyed me.

You broke my soul and stole my heart.

You sold me on a fake forever.

You don’t deserve me.

And I’ll love you forever… in a way that I don’t think even I will ever understand.

I guess that means I’ll be back here with a vengeance, typing out as much crazy as possible, in a whole bunch of meaningless fucking posts that should have ended up to you but instead ends up here…

I can only dream of a time that the pain from the loss of you doesn’t physically hurt. I can wish for a time that you are not my first and last thought, about everything. I can imagine an existence where I am not faking the okay between fits of complete despair.

Like how the fuck are you doing this? How are you okay?

Well you know that I have my own ideas on how you are coping, they all include sex, women, and most likely alcohol. I’m kinda disgusted that you can even think of moving on yet. I don’t know how you fall out of love so quickly and then it hits me… you didn’t fall out quickly, you fell out long ago.. you just didn’t tell me cuz I was your back burner until better came along… and looks like her husband left her and you find your happy. I read it with my own fucking eyes and I still was stupid enough to believe that we would overcome it because we were more than that.

Ha!

Wrong again, I was…

Now I’m sitting here with snot and tears running all the way down to my boobs, writing a goodbye letter to the man who was literally made of my dreams and promised me the world…

So for now the posts to the universe are on hold. I’m back to saving myself, only this time it’s so much fucking worse and even fucking scarier.

Fuckernutters.

 

 

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What happens on the weekends, stays on the weekend… Easier said/written than done.

Dear Universe,

I’m currently eating popcorn cakes, drinking coffee, and attempting to you write. All while The Little Mermaid plays in the background.

This weekend was exhausting.

I am currently actively participating in a relationship that is full of open and honesty, just only to certain people, that includes sleeping with others but not each other. Although every time we are alone together we are drawn to each other like magnets. My body reacts to him in ways that it has never reacted to anything before, and if you scroll back far enough here you will see that I have experienced some pretty amazing shit in my life while just writing here alone and the things I’m speaking of here make that look like child’s play, and it doesn’t even have to be provoked sexually. I am referring to simple looks from across the room, our eyes meeting and a smile formed, fingers slowly ran down my arms, a back rub, if there is any sort of sexual provoking just get outta here! It’s game over! All senses are lost, nothing else exists in that moment, I exist as one with Him and no one else.

It is magical.

And scary as fuck.

He’s dating someone else.

I live with the Baby Daddy.

We met during a time when both of us were not looking for anything more that some dating distractions while trying to navigate newly single life again.

But our souls met and it was like they were reunited after a lifetime of missing each other and reconnected within seconds of finding themselves again.

We were helpless to what was happening. I hung on to the craziness of the ride not knowing that it would last.

But here we are, over a year later we are still drawn to each other. We still return to the other seeking comfort in the absence of happiness the other experiences too. Both desperately trying to fill voids that were impossible to achieve.

We have been tried by some pretty big life events.

And yet we long to be together.

Did I mention that He spends the weekends banging someone else. And I’m supposed to be okay with that and sadly I am.

Cuz I can’t be who He wants me to be. I am too chicken shit to uproot my family.

Good mommies don’t do that right?

Fuck.

 

 

My text to Him tonight… I might be breaking. 

Dear Universe,

I’ve finally lost it. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I love Him. 

I can’t share him any longer. it breaks my heart and kills my soul. 

Dead. 

The first 24… First cut is the deepest is right

Dear Universe,

I have successfully (if that is what you can call it) made it over 24 hours now without contacting Him in any way.

And He has been successful in not reaching out to me either. But then again He never did seem to have a problem with staying away, especially when He was doing the wrong shit.

But for me it has been a constant struggle with myself to put the phone down, delete the text or email, basically every second of the day. I’m practically sitting on my hands over here to not reach out to Him, begging for this pain to end.

And it is so fucking exhausting.

I’m sure, no I’m positive there will come a time when I’m not counting the hours since we last spoke… but now is not that time. 

Now is the time for the memories to hit you so hard you lose your breath. Or the thought of forever with no more Him drops you to your knees,literally. 

I’ll survive. I always do. Doesn’t make this any easier at all. 

I kinda always felt like I was the one actively doing the ‘keeping in touch daily’ thing and if I stopped so would He… now I know that I was right. Hurts just as bad tho. 

And nothing stops the Neverending list of what if’s and questions running through my mind. 

Nothing. 

Even my dreams are haunted with terrible endings of Him and I..

Fuck.
 

I must be breaking again… Otherwise I wouldn’t be back.

Must be that time again. The time where the universe totally fucks you.. in the worst kind of way.

I was on an okay path for a quick minute there. Almost found Happy again, the kind of Happy that is there to stay, and then it was gone.

We bounced back and forth for a bit, Happy and I. But I have totally lost sight of it now.

Long gone.

Adios.

What do you say when you have literally felt almost everything you are feeling right this moment, only this time it’s a gazillion times worse and felt in every molecule of your being? And I’m not even being that overdramatic this time. The connection we found was literally imprinted on every cell of us.

And when you hear the saying ‘history repeats itself’, that shit is true. It does.

Over and fucking over.

And I’m one of the dummies that will keep playing along cuz I’m a glutton for pain and a sucker for love.

I am mostly coming here to get this shit out and put it down. So that when history comes back to slap me in the face again. And I come here to whine like a baby. Hopefully I see this fucking cycle and I finally man up enough to walk the fuck away. Stop allowing myself to be hurt and treated poorly.

I mean, is it really that fucking hard to just not say shit you can’t back?

Like is that some kind of terrible disease people get where they don’t gain the ability to not just say stupid shit they don’t plan on following up on?

It’s actually quite simple to just be real and honest. It is so much easier to remember shit you’ve said because well, you actually mean it, so if asked or questioned about it there is no problem recalling it.

It’s difficult to stay focused when I’m currently in a texting argusation (half arguing half conversating). And YouTube is killing me tonight too. All the Gods are against me tonight.

I’m possibly being overly sensitive  and a tad dramatic.

But when I think that I am on a certain path, not a quick and simple one either it’s actually quite long, bumpy, scary, and unknown, but you are pretty confident in the fact that you are on said path with someone you feel secure and safe with and find comfort in the fact that both of you have the same end goal in sight. And then you find out that the someone is actually also on some walks with others, that you know nothing about and aren’t aware of.

At.

All.

You know what.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I’m going to go watch the first snow fall of the season. With a cup of coffee. And some music.

Because I fucking love the snow. And it usually makes me feel better.

Let’s hope it does this time too.

 

 

 

 

Sleepless nights are here again… And the baby isn’t even here yet.

dont worry

 

 

Dear Universe,

Like I do anytime shit is just too much for me, I came here to write it out. Because let’s be honest, that’s what I do. I am so much better at typing it out then saying it out loud.

I didn’t think that I had been writing much but after coming back here again I notice I have been writing a  bit more than I thought. And I had put down a lot more here than I remembered. Mostly about Him.

But I am feeling so much that I needed to put it somewhere so here I came.

And, like every other time, I am at a loss for words now that I am here.

I guess I opened up more to Him last night than I usually do. But I don’t usually because I think it’s for the better that I don’t pour out all the crazy I am feeling. It won’t change our situation right now and I figured it would only make it harder. I mean come on here, there is no possible way I thought someone would actually just ‘wait’ around for months while I got my crazy shit together. But apparently if I had poured the words out it would have changed things.

I’m not really buying it.

I think the only thing that would have done would have been proven just how freaking lame I am when it comes to Him.

I seriously don’t need that again.

So oddly, I held it all in this time. And it ended no better than when I word vomit everywhere.

So… yeah.

We spent hours texting last night. But the only thing that accomplished was reminding me of how much I crave Him when he’s not around. 37 minutes last night literally felt like at least 2 hours.

Pathetic.

I found myself holding my phone while dozing off finally around 3ish, after I spent the night staring at it looking for the notification flashing.

More pathetic.

And now, now I am sitting here thinking I shouldn’t text anymore but dying inside from not blowing Him up. If I knew for certain he was alone right now I think I would be blowing Him up. But I’m pretty sure he’s not and although I don’t care if He sees how weak/pathetic/lame I am for Him, I damn sure don’t want anyone else to.

So instead I will sit here and pour a lil crazy out the only way I am truly good at.

Blogging about it.

The last message we had was something about how I was not going to text him until he text/call me because He has been so distracted at work and it’s not great for his job. He responded with something like, yeah sure you won’t.

And I haven’t.

I wont.

I know how hard it is for me to not contact Him. I know how many times a day/night I have to stop myself from not reaching out to Him.

And he used to reach out to me all the time.

Lately it has been less and less often.

I am just going to sit it out and see how this plays out.

No longer will I go above and beyond after I have already expressed myself crystal clearly and the other person knows it all. At that point it is in there court and if they take too long to return I will not be sitting around here sobbing like I used too.

I have loved and lost before and I am sure that I can love again. This will not break me or make me. It will only strengthen and inspire me.

Mic drop.

 

How easily the words come to me in a post… Not so much in Life.

let him go

 

Dear Universe,

I think I went 23 minutes, plus sleep time, before I gave in and text Him. Pathetic I know but really that is what I am when it comes to Him, pathetic.

We haven’t talked only text because talking = crying to me and I’m sure annoying to Him. But do you think that stops me from contacting Him? Well, if you have been following my blog at all you know I am a class 5 clinger so me quietly going away and letting go is near impossible.

Through messaging today we accomplished nothing.

I miss Him.

But I know talking is not what either of us need. I would find it hard to ask about any and every tiny detail about the new chick. I want to know if when they first me the connection was so instant and powerful? Were they unable to be apart the way we were? Did they have to find a way to sneak off again within hours only to spend the time snuggled and staring like silly teenagers next to each other? Did he spend hours in a parking lot close to her? Does he get an indescribable feeling when around her? Does she run through his mind at the most random times? Does every fucking thing remind him of her?

So yeah, pretty much why I don’t have a ton to say when we communicate because that is the fucking crazy running through my mind.

And then He asks why I have been so distant the last 4 months?

What?!

Are you fucking serious?

For so many reasons, but most of them I can’t tell Him.

How do you tell someone that the reason you stay away and push and push is because whenever you have any contact with them it feels like there are teeny tiny magnets filling every cell of your being and they tingle and get warm and feel like they are being pulled toward Him, even if it’s a phone or text convo… And if we are in person. Fo’get about it! He’s running his hands across my body? I’m a fucking puddle, literally.

Lameness. That is what that is. L. A. M. E. And so fucking embarrassing.

I may have said it before but the connection is physical but not sexual, although it can be sexual, very, very, very sexual, but it also can be not at all. I can sit next to Him and feel connected. Like we are on the same wave length. Our things are doing the same things. It’s so strange. And so frightening.

I have never felt something like this before.

And life had it’s own plan and ideas.

And now I am sitting here, trying to find it in me to not reach out to Him, not to beg Him to just wait for me to get my shit together and see what life has in store for me the rest of this wild ride I’m currently on.

But I can’t.

I can’t do that.

I wont ask someone to wait for me. There is no guarantee I will be here in 5 minutes let alone 5 months or more.

I thought before when I met Moon that I had found my soulmate. I know now that eventhough I allowed him into the deepest parts of my soul that we were not connected the way that Him and I are (at least we were never given the chance to see but even at our closest I never felt the feels I do now). I don’t know how to explain it but something crazy and insane and beautiful happens when we are together.

And I am having the hardest fucking time letting go.

Imagine that.

 

 

Welcome back… Same old, same old.

soul

 

Dear Universe,

How do you respond to someone saying they want to remain friends when the connection you experienced with said person was anything but friendly?

I know that I have written before about being madly in love and finding the other piece to my soul and I still stand behind the words/feelings/everything I experienced but this time, well this time it was completely different.

The kind of different where when you look back on the timeline you go what.. what the serious fuck? How were those intense feelings felt in such a short time?

I mean.. what I felt with him was not really describable.

But it made me believe in so many things.

It came at the most unexpected time.

It was impulsive in almost everything, probably a huge factor in the way that our story ended, we had.

I will still never forget the day we met. It felt like a million days in one.

I don’t even want to talk about it now actually because anything that has to do with him makes me feel things, the most unsettling feeling starts in my core and I have to immediately shut down said thought/feeling/moment because it is so fucking easy to get lost in the connection we have.

I have never connected with someone this way before. Ever. And it was instant.

We thrived off of each other.

Whatever we had was strongest when we were together. Even if that was just sitting there next to one another.

And that doesn’t even begin to describe the connect we had physically, and not just sexually, but when he touched me I felt alive. My skin tingled and my breath stopped, over and over again as his hands and fingers roamed over my body. I can say without a doubt it is absolutely one of my favorite things ever!!

But a lot of shit happened.

We happened.

Too quickly.

Life shit on us.

I was am weak.

It was easiest to go back to what I knew then to jump into the unknown at one of the lowest points of my life.

So I did. I went back.

I didn’t think it would be permanent but again, life happened. I did have a pretty big role in said life happening but it is what it is now.

Again I was weak.

Chose the path I know.

Hurt someone who I never wanted to.

They said less than a week ago that no matter what life had thrown at me they were willing to just add it to the craziness we could make together.

And now they are dating someone else and sorry if they are unavailable but hey, let’s be friends….

Umm.. No thanks..

I’m good on the friend front.

Plus I would expect way too much from them on the friend level because let’s be real here, I don’t consider said person a friend. If they ever had to touch me the connection we have would be instantly ignited. And I don’t feel like spending a lifetime faking that it exists or craving just any second of it I can get, that’s what happens when I am near him; I can’t touch/hug/hold him because my being craves for more, I push away or keep at a distance for fear of crawling into his lap and snuggling up. So I just stayed away. pushed the way I am oh so fucking good at.

And it worked.

He is dating someone.

And as text book as it sounds I am truly happy for him.

But I can’t and won’t fake a friendship with him.

Which leads me back to my question earlier… how do you respond to that person?

If I’m not friends them we are nothing.

And if we are nothing there is no reason to be in each other’s lives.

If he’s not in my life…. well, that just fucking sucks.

You see my conundrum?

 

I wrote this to Moon December 21st, 2014… it’s only taken a year to post it.

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I have these moments of pure disgust for you and the way that you have so many times disregarded my feelings.

An anger that is indescribable builds inside and it makes my stomach turn and my skin tingle when I think about how I know that you still use the same lips that try to convince me of how much you love me to try to convince your new girl of exactly the same things with most likely the same lines…

Maybe you were right when you said that I will never be able to let the past about her go… but do you know why?

Because you have never once let her go.

You have lied to me, most definitely her, and everyone else.

You are pathetic with the way you try to use the love that I have for you to your advantage. You come to me when your little pet is out with people and friends her own age but run right back to her if she shows you any sign of attention.

I am even more pathetic for giving you an outlet.

I won’t any longer.

Next time you are so intoxicated that you can hardly send a coherent text, your dick is raging, and you’re feeling sorry for yourself… Call her(Oh wait.. I’m sure you did but she was not available to you) tell her how you want to end it all and how you have fucked up and feel so terrible. How nothing is worth it and blah fucking blah blah blah…

Because the reason why you want to give up has nothing to do with the fact that you lost me and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that you know your little band-aid isn’t a permanent fix, or a permanent ANYTHING, but you’re so fucking addicted to her it’s become sickening.

But I’ll be the hater and the bitch and the whatever the fuck else you want me to be.

And just like that the anger and hurt has taken over and replaced any good that I have felt with you.

It’s so easy to hold on to the hurt and anger. It’s so easy to become lost in it and let it take over. It’s too easy to sit back and let the anger flow from my soul through my fingertips at lightening fast speed and replace all the longing I have for you with dislike. If I hold on to all this bad then I can’t focus on how much I hurt from all the great that you made me feel.

And do you think after all of this that I hate you?

No fucking way…

I hate myself.

More than I could ever hate another being… almost as much as I hate the love that you have for Her… almost.

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I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

image

Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!