I can’t believe it’s been a fcking year! How can it be? It seems like 10 minutes and 10 decades all at once.. It’s shocking the difference a year makes.

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Dear Universe,

Wow, how did we make it to where we are today?

We fucking made it, and that is what matters most.

It has been a long, long, twisted, dark, scary road but we made it through the darkest and scariest parts. Alive. Alone.

And I am still breathing. I don’t even have to remind myself to do it anymore lol.

I don’t want to spend much time talking about Moon but I think seeing as how this place started out dedicated to him I guess it’s the place to put that I go longer than ever imagined without thinking of Him, and I rarely (if ever) cry over Him anymore.

That being said I have had the craziest fucking year of my life and it’s still just starting… oh my..

I have had people leave my life, some re-enter (a few of those only to leave again), I’ve met new people.. but most importantly I have allowed myself to focus on me.

I have let myself feel hurt and loss in a way that I don’t think many can.

I have always said that ‘here’ (this blog) has really only been just a tiny piece of my crazy mosaic of a life; it just also happened to be one of the most important and deepest connnections I’ve ever experienced.

But literally this was only one little sliver of my reality. I had to deal/feel/hurt/grieve for not only the love that I shared with Moon but also continue to nurture and care for and also deal with so many other things. I’m not proud to say that I neglected so many things in the very beginning of ‘the end’, I mostly neglected myself but I was frequently known to not return email/text/calls in a timely manner, if at all. I pushed away everyone, even the few who seemed to understand or at least not judge.

For months I would consider myself a walking zombie. I literally did the motions I needed to do to survive. Well, mostly what my littles needed from me to survive because really lets face it I was simply here because they need me and for no other reason at all. They saved me in so many ways, more than I even want to think about. Things were very dark here for a long time. But in the year that it has been since this blog post was written I have come leaps and bounds.

I actually spent a little bit reading the posts from the time this all started a year ago. It was so strange to read back, I have no memories of writing anything I read; it was like I was reading someone else’s story and even though I had tears streaming down my face, and they were sad tears, they were tears that were not for the loss of Moon; I can’t remember a time I didn’t cry for Moon, instead I was crying for the loss of the love that was created, not for the loss of Him. I had an immense amount of sadness for a love that (in my opinion) deserved to be nurtured and allowed to flourish into a love that is only dreamed of.

I don’t know if I feel anything for him anymore. I honestly haven’t thought about it. I know that I feel sad for him. I am sad that there was someone out there that was able to love so deeply and truly but yet he will never know that love. (please don’t misread that like I don’t think he will find love, I don’t need any hate mail, I simply mean he wont know this particular love and the depths to which it was rooted). I’m sad that for so many years he had to fake a love/relationship and put so much time into something that was nothing. I’m sad that he won’t be a part of my life. I’m sad for the loss of a friendship & connection that was meant to last a lifetime. I’m sad that the Moon I thought existed was as much a figment of my imagination as the Man in the Moon.

I’m hoping someday soon I will be able to find the time to write again. I find so much comfort in it. I miss being able to get my crazy out. I have so much of at times it seems.

I’m not seeing that time coming in the near future, especially since I’ll be starting classes in a month, I’m in the process of moving, & trying to ‘not push away’ the one person who shows me love on a daily basis (please send good juju/pray/dance naked in the woods/light a candle/cast a spell(only good ones please)/make a wish,do whatever it is that you do for me so that I don’t fuck this up, I don’t let my broken push away anyone good & also that I don’t let in anymore bad. Thank you!) even though I tell him how broken I am. He makes me smile, from that deep in your soul place.. Okay I don’t want to jinx anything or make it seem like something more than it is; simply 2 souls connecting and enjoying the time while doing so..

I haven’t done a zero-dark-stupid wee hours of the am post in quite some time. And I really fucking miss it!

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I started this days ago… I’m just now barely able to post it. I’m always just barely breathing.

life moves on

I can’t breathe. I’m writing to try to survive. I am stupid. I was super weak this morning. I am sorry. I have spent over a year now on very little sleep. I looked you up on Facebook. I haven’t in so long. I didn’t even know what I would be able to see since we aren’t ‘friends’ anymore. I was able to see more than I wish I had. I can’t believe you posted a song that has been haunting me for days. You posted it days after it had made it’s presence known over here. I posted it before even thinking about ‘looking for you’.

The breath stealer/heart wrencher/soul crusher? In case all of that isn’t fucking enough. I was also able to see how lovey dovey you and her are. I was able to witness the ‘love’ you guys have. I had to rush to the bathroom to puke. Literally. I have first hand proof that I don’t exist in your world anymore. I am barely a distant memory to you. Everything I gave you was for fucking nothing because you are over and done with any and everything me. I have memories haunting my every move. You exist in almost everything I do.

I have to stop it.

I have to find a way to get rid of you.

Writing to you here is not helping. I have to stop.

I have made a new blog. A blog where US doesn’t exist. The only US that does exist there are tiny little bits and pieces of what once was.

I have to let you go.

I can’t continue to come running to you, even if it’s only in writing, if I want to move on. I don’t feel right even thinking about writing about someone else here and I know that at some point I will have a ‘someone’ else to write about. I mean there has to be more to my story than just US. My story can’t end here. Right? You were just a chapter in my book of life. I thought you were ‘the book’ but I realize now you were simply a few very important chapters to my book as a whole, not my whole book. Silly girl. How easily it was to not see the whole picture until it was too late. Perhaps had I looked at our story in other ways the outcome would be different but it doesn’t matter now.

I guess the story of US has finally come to an end.

It sickens me.

It makes my skin crawl and my stomach churn.

I can’t breathe and don’t think I really want to anymore.

I miss loving you so much already. I missed loving you before. I will miss loving you for always.

I’m so sorry that this is the way that our story ended. I am so sorry that I didn’t realize sooner the mess we were becoming.

I’m not sorry for loving you.

I will never be sorry for that.

Loving you was one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope someone else will be able to love you even better than I was able to someday.

I hope that no matter what at the end of the day you are the man your mom would be proud of and that you show Little Man how to be that man.

Random Wednesday writing… Snarfles this sucks balls.

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I havent used my computer in a long time to post. Ive been using another laptop/pad/kindle/my phone etc. I feel like my fingers feel at home here. These keys are the ones that have felt every letter typed to our story. These are the keys who have witnessed my tears/screams/laughs/moans/giggles/sighs/worries/everyfuckingthing for so long now.

Enough about the keys tho. I’m not here to write a review on my keypad I’m here to spill my guts and tell my sad story.

I don’t even really know what to say.

I have such a hard time being angry at you because how am I supposed to have anger towards someone who doesn’t love me? How can I fault someone for something they do or do not feel for me or for someone else?

I can’t.

But I know what I can fault you for is the way you lied and treated me for a year after knowing you had found someone else. I can fault you for the things you said and the way you used my love for you in sick and twisted ways. I can fault you for making me your cumdumpster for the better part of a year and taking something that came from a real place from me and turn it into you just trying to rub one out. I can fault you for calling me everyfuckingtime you were drunk and telling me how much you loved/missed/wanted/needed me but really only trying to fill your time until she came back from whatever/whoever she was doing and decided to pay attention to you again.

I could list all of these terrible faults and many more but really they are just my way of trying to make my sadness hurt less and the anger take some of the pain away.

But really nothing will make it hurt any less.

Nothing will take the hurt away but you being back and US being US.

That will never happen.

I will now just take each step one baby step at a time and write my way through it.

Ok well I’ve a Skype-date tonight.

And I’m spending it in my pj’s with my hair in a bun.

Fun times lol.

I’m wearing mascara and lip gloss at least right?

In other news I forget that people out there read these words that I write. I don’t really think about anybody else when I write but lately I have been getting some really supportive words from readers and I just want to say thanks. I’m humbled that you even take the time to read my soulache. I’m sorry if my words seem redundant I can get caught up in a thought and become a bit of an ‘over-writer’ at times. But this blog has saved me more times than I would like to admit. Hearing your support and encouragement helps me during my dark and lonely times.

So thank you.

I’ve decided breathing is overrated… Oh, and I Darla’d you to death.

can i ask you something

 

So much has gone on recently.

My drafts folder is full.

I don’t post my crazy or hurt here anymore.

I’m convinced you don’t care anyway.

All my posts do now is show you how pathetic I am without you. You get to see how fucking in love I am with you and how alone I am without you.

I can’t stop thinking about a whole fucking lifetime without you.

I can’t breathe when I think about it so I try to avoid it at all costs but there is always something that makes me think of you. Always. I’m pretty sure I could survive in the highest of altitudes at this point due to how well I can maintain on less and less.

I think I loved you too much.

Can you believe that?

I am like the crazy little redheaded girl in Finding Nemo, Darla?!

I fucking loved you too much and it pushed you away.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what to say. I have never felt a love like ours before. I have never before been so consumed by something that I felt like I should fight with my everything to keep it.

It’s scary.

It’s pathetic.

To call what I have for you love is not even really doing it justice. It is so much more than love. I feel like I love you with a part of me that is indescribable. I feel like you are my soul. I feel like my soul was made from your soul. I feel like our souls are one and the same.

I was so convinced you felt it too.

I was willing to give anything for it.

And this my friends is why I don’t post anymore and I leave them all in the drafts folder. Because it doesn’t matter. No one cares. I have to spend a lifetime thinking about something that made me feel so alive while it slowly kills me…

How fucking unfair is that?

What kind of a life is that? Is the quality of that life worth living?

Seems like I only post on the weekends… When you forget I exist. Asshole.

sad soul

I’m making myself put on some T-Swizzle and try to get this crazy I have out but I don’t know if it is going to work or not. I don’t have my headset, I left it in the car so that I wouldn’t be tempted to call/answer and fall into US in the wee hours of the night, and the music can’t really blast the way I need it too at these hours. I might break down and go get them but will see.

I’m serious with what I text you earlier. I have spent, too much, time looking for aps to block you from contacting me. I haven’t had much luck short of changing my number and with all the hassle of that it makes it pretty much not an option. Plus I’m pretty much kidding myself into thinking you are going to attempt to contact me again. I mean at some point you have to get tired of your pretending, because that is really what you are doing, and just move the fuck on.

So move on already.

And stay gone this time. Don’t come back with some piss ass story about how you love me and can’t live without me and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… I have heard it all before.

 I’m sure you have said it all before. I’m sure you’re fucking saying it to someone else too. I mean seriously, who am I fucking trying to kid, there is no fucking way that you are not still trying to fuck that bitch, or some other bitch.

And whenever I bring up any of these insecurities that I have, that you gave me, you act like it is such a fucking surprise. Like, whoa, where could I possibly be coming up with these ideas that you lie to me; when you literally get caught telling some of the fucking dumbest lies, just days before.

As much as I truly enjoy telling you the fuck off I don’t intend to spend any more of my energy on someone who only cares part time.

I’ve already got there here full time. Remember.

How many times do you really think that I am going to accept your I’m sorry’s?

I don’t have anything nice or good to say to tonight so I’m not going to try.

 

Starting Monday off with a little whine… Finishing Monday off with a whole LOT of wine.

dont want feel ruining everything

Will I ever be okay when you aren’t around? Will I ever breathe easily when I’m not wrapped in your love? Will I ever sleep peacefully without you? Will I ever think of you without flashes of Her tangled in?

These and hundreds of other questions run through my mind ALL the time. I don’t know how to stop them. I can’t. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing helps. I have trained myself to get lost in music so much that I can’t even write anymore if there is anything playing. If it’s not dead quiet I can’t write. I have become so used to keeping myself distracted and not letting the thoughts that haunt me have a voice that I have to actually focus on letting my walls down. I have to make myself let all the ugly out.

And sadly… I just don’t think I have the strength today.

I want to let it out. I want to scream, yell, cry, and shriek all of the ugly out. but I can’t.

I’m exhausted. Being here is sucking the life from. Literally. I’m starting to zombie my way through the day, barely even noticing my surroundings, throwing in a fake smile here or a phony laugh there but really I feel like I’m dead the core. I don’t think I can take much more of this. I don’t know how someone who says they love me and I have spent over a decade of my life with could HATE me so fiercely while YOU, who I have only known for a fraction of that, could love me with such passion and intensity. I’m pretty sure that for whatever reason He hates me you will too, you have too, because I am the same person. I am the same person with Him that I am with You; so it has to be Me…

I don’t think I will ever believe in a love like you talk about. I did at one time. I thought that love was everlasting, or at least it could be if you were lucky enough to find it. But now, well, now I don’t believe in any of that bullshit.

I wish I did.

I’m sorry. Writing today wasn’t such a good idea apparently.

 

 

We’ve somehow weathered the last 4 days… Will we weather many more?

how awful you made me feel

I’m so confused.

I don’t have any idea what I should do. The US inside me that is trying to fight to survive is telling me to just find my answers in your arms and love but… the part of me that no longer believes in anything ‘US’ related wants me to man up and quit being a whiney bitch and let you go.

So what do I do?

Because without you I find myself crumpled on the floor but when we are together I find myself going crazy doubting and questioning everything. And I mean E V E R Y T H I N G!!!

And sleep? That is a fucking joke right now. How can I sleep when the silence and stillness makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I’m not even kidding. I seriously am going to lose my fucking mind.

And I’m pretty much okay with that.

If I lose my mind then I guess I wont have to deal with the shit that is running around up there.

This is going to be so fucking crazy and all over the place because no matter how much I say that I want to run away and let US go and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah….

I want US more than anything.

I don’t want to give up.

I want to believe.

I want to feel US like I used to.

I want to feel you touch places and bring them alive like no one else can.

I want to not hurt from the depths of my soul.

I want to not think that every time you are apart from you are with HER.

I want to be your number one… Not the runner up or just the chick you got stuck with.

I’m sorry. I will try again another time to get some more shit out. Right now I just want to snuggle into your arms and wrap myself in your love and forget about any and everything else.

But I don’t get to do that anymore. I haven’t been able to do that in a long time.

And I miss it so fucking much….

I can’t stop the horror film that is stuck on repeat in my mind… Help me. Please.

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I’m scared to write. I’m scared to do much of anything really except cry; bitch, whine, and fucking lose it.

We have spent more time together, since (Insert skin-crawling/spine-tingling/vomit inducing… you get the picture I’m painting right?), than we have in weeks, maybe months, and I don’t know how to process it. I know that you say you want to fix US and you are not giving up and blah fuckity blah, blah, blah… but I don’t believe it. I hear it. I hear you say everything. I just don’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I don’t trust you.

I am pretty sure that I have wrote almost the same post some time ago about the same fucking thing just a different fucking story. You probably did some fucked up thing, like disappear (now I know it was with her) and I swore up and down that I was never going to let you do this to me again, that I was never going to feel the pain and hurt that I was feeling.

But here we are.

I’m in pain. I hurt like I don’t remember hurting. In places I didn’t even think possible to hurt in. The tears that I have cried have came from a place deep in my soul. I’m so scared to allow myself to feel that pain again. I have completely shut down.

You on the other hand have not. You are in full force. You are shoving your love down my throat like a crazed spoon-feeding mother.

Is it bad if I don’t believe? Is it horrible if I kinda cringe at the sound of it? Is it terrible if I imagine you saying the same words to her, with the same mouth that did god knows what to/with her, while doing nothing with me but filling me full of lies and deceit?

I feel like I am being a whiney bitch and I am not sorry about it at all. I don’t think that I have really been able to process how I feel really, well other than broken/shattered/crushed/unwanted/unloved/lied to/cheated on/pissed the fuck off…

Okay, apparently writing was not the thing to do right now. I just might possibly be moving to the anger stage but I don’t know.

I will try again later I guess.

Untitled… Forever.

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The fact that it’s impossible to sleep without is a bit frustrating. The sun shining down on me today and allowing my sunglasses to not stand out like a sore thumb makes it easier to love with.

I have that yucky anxiety creeping along my skin today. I know she is going to be back from vacation soon. I don’t know when and it makes my skin crawl to know that when she does the possibility of losing you will come screaming into my reality.

I hate this feeling. How will I ever believe in US again?

How do I breathe when you spend all your time at work with her?

Fuck.

It’s just me… The one who wanted nothing more than to be with you. Past tense.

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I have wanted to write all day. I have NEEDED to write all day. I just haven’t had the time or energy to do it. I have had to pick myself up off the floor, more than once, today and remind myself just to breathe. Literally.

I don’t know how to put into words what I am feeling. Crushed/broken/shattered/alone/empty/numb/burning/dying/afraid… do I need to keep going? Probably not but I most likely will…

Today has been one of the most emotionally exhausting days I have had, well this year I guess, but seriously in like EVER. The way I felt this morning… Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I can still remember the cold sweat that broke out all over. The way the blood sounded rushing through my ears. The stabbing sensation in the pit of my soul. The hurt that seeped into my bones. I can remember it all. Its running on replay in my mind. Even now, just writing about it, brings the horrible feeling in my stomach. The feeling that nothing is right and it never will be again.

When we said goodbye tonight the oddest thing happened. It was like I could feel you leaving me. It felt like the strangest thing, like a tingling, empty feeling all over my body. I cab only describe it as US being torn from my soul.

Weird. Strange. Crazy. I know.

I know there is so much more to say but i don’t have the energy. My eyes hurt so bad they sting and burn. But as soon as I close them scenes of you calling her baby; using the mouth, that said so many wonderful, beautiful, amazing things to me, on HER vagina; walking with her; telling her you miss her; and every other ducked up thing that is playing in fucking repeat.

I need to sleep. I need to escape this.

I hate that you’re possibly snug as a bug, thinking of her, and dreaming sweet dreams. I hate that you talked about me, and how I wanted nothing more than to be with you, like it was a bad thing; like you were annoyed that I wanted you, while she wanted nothing to do with you.

Fuck you.

I loved you with every ounce of my being. From the very depths of my soul.

For nothing.

Why?!