The privilege of meeting, knowing, and loving you… I’ll never forget it.

Dear Universe,

I thought I smelled Him today.

For a split second, in the middle of 1 of the busiest places to be, with thousands of people around, I caught myself searching the crowd for Him. I was convinced that He would be right there, he had to be, I could fucking smell him.

But as quickly as it came it was gone.

And I was left standing in the middle of a stream of flowing people, searching for someone who will never be close enough for me too smell again.

I miss Him so bad.

I wake up each morning and 1 of the first things I do is look at His picture. And at night when I’m tossing and turning, I pull out my phone and stare at His picture, again. I usually throw in an I love you… or even I miss you…

I miss His face, smile, eyes, beard, hands, fingers, lips… you get the point I’m sure.

I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Him.

This is such a different connection and relationship than anything I’ve ever experienced before and the severing of it is torture.

I’m trying my hardest to write but honestly even having to type these thoughts into reality is making my stomach hurt.

I just keep telling myself that He chose to be where he is. I’m not saying that I didn’t help make his decision a little bit easier being so chicken shit…. but he is ultimately responsible for his own choices, regardless of what I did or did not do.

I’m just trying to keep reminding myself that.

I’m failing.

Miserably.

More on Him… Less on my sanity.

Dear Universe,

When I’m tossing and turning in bed at night I write the most fabulous posts.. in my head.

And then when I find the time to sit down with the keyboard I get this.. nothing.

Words just jumbled in my brain, all trying to escape at once and everyone trying to communicate with someone else. And it fucking sucks. How can I write when I can’t find one thing to stick to? It’s exhausting.

Almost as exhausting as no sleep.

Almost.

I am trying my hardest to avoid the topic of Him. But if I want to get my crazy out, here is where it should happen.

Maybe someday I will open up about more of my life here than just my broken, tender heart but that just gets too deep into the rabbit hole.

And I’m so broken without Him…

We didn’t stick to our words.

Promises were broken and love was abundant.

I came alive in His arms, and mouth.

I needed to be reminded that I hadn’t made our story and connection up.

He is real.

Our love is undeniable.

Connecting is immediate, still.

I’ll never be done loving him.

We could live a thousand lifetimes, I will find him.

I have to.

I’m currently writing from the bathtub.

It’s that bad around here right now.

I’ve sunk to hiding out in the bathroom any chance I get, either in the bathtub or shower, always with music blaring while trying to remind myself that breathing is an involuntary action and shouldn’t be this hard…

So turns out that the years before that I thought I found and had fallen into the deepest love possible with Moon… yeah… that was nothing compared to what I experienced the last 3 years.

Not to diminish what I felt before, because at the time I had never experienced what I have now, and those were the strongest I’d felt at the time.

But now…

I have actually felt the feeling of my breath rushing out of my lungs while my throat turns dry and my heart races and that secret tingle starts down yonder.. all was from a simple smile from across the room when our eyes would meet.

I could, and did, lie in his arms for hours, not saying a word, while at the same time the two of us couldn’t have been more in sync with another being if we tried.

Our souls knew each other and were so connected when we touched it is almost scary, and is definitely unbelievable.

I didn’t know that you could find someone and being instantly and immediately drawn to them.

But I did.

And I was.

I still am.

But life did what it does best, and threw us for a loop.

We have spent the last few months at each other’s throats and not in the way we used to be.

I honestly don’t even know if LOVE describes what we have together. Is there a word that means something stronger than love? Because that is what He and I have.

Now, history would show that I’m feeling something completely one sided.

And I probably am.. hence being in the bathtub to drown out my tears (literally) while trying to find a way to believe that I am not the dumbest most gullible person in the world…

While He is not alone… possibly ( probably) balls deep inside someone else.

I actually thought I had found the 1 soul who would or could, never leave me. The one who only exists in fairy tales kind of person. Because honestly that is almost how our story is… fairytale-ish.

There was a period of time where we spent as much time as possible, as close to each other as possible. Hours and days were spent laying in each other’s arms, sometimes talking, laughing, whispering, kissing.

But most often our souls did the talking while the two of us just laid there soaking up the amazingness that was happening.

But where once there was rushing back to be together…. there is now missed calls, unanswered texts, and scheduled meet ups that usually don’t ‘meet up’..

Did I mention the unnumbered amount of ‘randoms’ who He says mean ‘nothing’ He’s been hooked up with for months? (Probably not, because in His defense I am living with the Baby Daddy still.. *Reminder* this is a judgement free zone here!)

It is soul crushing and nauseating at once.

Literally.

So what is a girl to do?

Do I stay on the path that He and I have mapped out even though He’s no longer a piece of it?

Do I throw myself into a ‘means nothing to me but you distract me from my soul dying’ relationship, to try to get through this?

Do I beg Him to wake up and realize that we could spend 3 lifetimes and never find anything comparable to this again, SO we really shouldn’t fuck it up (I mean.. are we seriously letting something that has zero value in comparison to what we have replace us? Is this fucking real life right now?)

I never wanted to be the chick that kept coming back and wouldn’t go away, like a pesky fruit fly, ever again. I have played that role. I could win awards for that role!

Yet here I am.. probably losing it over something that He doesn’t give 2 shits about anymore..

I’m.

So.

Fucking.

Stupid.

Sooooooo fucking stupid.

He’s already chose and I’m over here acting like there’s some huge decisions to be made.

What a fucking joke I am…

I give up.

I just wish my heart & soul did too…

Not even donuts taste the same.

Dear Universe,

I don’t want to not know Him anymore.

I can’t stop from missing him.

I miss his scruff. I miss his touch. I miss his kids.

I still find my throat going dry, my heart racing, and tears streaming down to my neck, at any given memory.

It sucks.

And it hurts.

It’s hard to remember to forget when he was literally a part of almost every piece of my life for 3 years.

He’s every love song that comes on.

He’s every lavender bubble bath I take.

He’s in every crash of the waves.

He’s every full moon and star.

He’s every pork chop I force myself to cook.

He’s every donut I choke down.

He’s everything.

He’s not mine.

Help me.

Broken in dreams… Shattered in reality.

Dear Universe,

He finally showed up in my dreams.. in the worst way possible, to break my heart a little bit more..

I’ve spent every night since He left looking for Him, especially in my dreams. He’s been nowhere. It’s been devasting and exhausting all at once.

He deleted me from every part of his life in my dream, his new girlfriend made him, and he was happy to oblige. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore.

I was wrong.

I woke up bawling, a tightness in my chest that was unbearable and an aching in my soul that wasn’t going anywhere… and even with the tears running down my face and neck and the hurt buried deep in my being, I still tried to fall back asleep to find Him again, to see Him another second… even if that meant so he could break me further.

I’ll never stop needing Him…

I can’t stop loving Him.

I’ve decided breathing is overrated… Oh, and I Darla’d you to death.

can i ask you something

 

So much has gone on recently.

My drafts folder is full.

I don’t post my crazy or hurt here anymore.

I’m convinced you don’t care anyway.

All my posts do now is show you how pathetic I am without you. You get to see how fucking in love I am with you and how alone I am without you.

I can’t stop thinking about a whole fucking lifetime without you.

I can’t breathe when I think about it so I try to avoid it at all costs but there is always something that makes me think of you. Always. I’m pretty sure I could survive in the highest of altitudes at this point due to how well I can maintain on less and less.

I think I loved you too much.

Can you believe that?

I am like the crazy little redheaded girl in Finding Nemo, Darla?!

I fucking loved you too much and it pushed you away.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what to say. I have never felt a love like ours before. I have never before been so consumed by something that I felt like I should fight with my everything to keep it.

It’s scary.

It’s pathetic.

To call what I have for you love is not even really doing it justice. It is so much more than love. I feel like I love you with a part of me that is indescribable. I feel like you are my soul. I feel like my soul was made from your soul. I feel like our souls are one and the same.

I was so convinced you felt it too.

I was willing to give anything for it.

And this my friends is why I don’t post anymore and I leave them all in the drafts folder. Because it doesn’t matter. No one cares. I have to spend a lifetime thinking about something that made me feel so alive while it slowly kills me…

How fucking unfair is that?

What kind of a life is that? Is the quality of that life worth living?