Saying Goodbye hurt… Never saying Hello again is killing me.

Dear Universe,

I’m nervous as I sit down here to write. My hands are trembling and I have butterflies in my belly, I’m a bit nervous, and it actually has nothing to do with my sad and hurting heart. Of course I am sad and broken, otherwise, would I really be here again? Sobbing out all my sorrows to a Universe that could give a flying saucer about me? Yeah, probably not.

This time is different though… I say that a lot I know but this time it is. I have kept to much of what has been going on the last few years to myself. For lots of reasons but mostly because I am so protective of what we found that I didn’t want to put it out in the Universe. I didn’t’ want to share it with anybody. And to be completely honest I was so wrapped up in soaking up every second that we could together that by the time we were apart I was only trying to maintain enough until we could be together again.

Is this where I put in the backstory? Do I even need to put a backstory? Just thinking about having to type out Our Story makes me want to gag because the ending is nothing that I imagined it would be and yet it’s the everything and nothing I knew it’d turn out to be. For the sake of the internet I will put a bit out there…

We met at a time that I was more broken and alone than I had truly ever been. The ugliness that I had been living, since long before Moon made an entrance, had taken a turn for the absolute worst and was at that point in time… non existent. I chose at that time to fill my time with the wonderful world of online dating. Can ya blame a girl? I’m a fool!! Basically after MONTHS of just putzing around and meeting NO ONE, because honestly I had no intention of ever meeting anyone!! I didn’t even entertain the idea of setting up a ‘date’ and the few times that the issue was pressed I moved on and they quickly lost interest.. until 1 night… I was scrolling through old messages and came across a profile I had messaged months before with no response, but after stalking His profile again I decided I was going to send another, “Hey there” message. This time He responded, and there was a moment (a very fucking long one) where I could replay our first conversation over in my head almost verbatim. Partly because we only messaged a few times late into the night the first time and by the next day He had somehow convinced me to meet him for coffee by noon!!!

I have no fucking idea what came over me that day… I probably will never know, at least while I’m walking this earth, but it was one of the BEST and WORST choices I’ve ever made.

I pulled into the parking lot a bundle full of nerves. WTF was I doing?! I was supposed to be filling my lonely nights with some innocent (insert huge eye roll) talk not setting up coffee dates and meeting my soulmate.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I got out of the car. Walked across the parking lot and was greeted with a huge hug by the person who literally completes my soul.

We talked for as long as our busy schedules would allow, said our goodbyes and from that instant on my soul/heart/being was changed.

Within hours we blew off all of our previous schedules. I got a babysitter for my littles and we were back together at Applebee’s bar being the annoying and obnoxious couple that sits on the same side of the booth, staring into each others eyes between horrifying PDA kiss scenes. I actually became that chick at the restaurant that you want to fling your pickles at.

And I didn’t care one little bit.

The only thing I cared about was being as close as humanly possible to Him. We didn’t even have to talk. Sitting next to him with our bodies touching, our lips pressed against each other, and hands intertwined it was like the 2 of us didn’t need to use words to communicate. Our souls were doing all of the connecting and we were just there for the ride.

I have never experienced something like our connection before.

And I know that I never will again.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time. For some freaking reason the Universe was always fucking against us!! We spent 3 years trying to figure our shit out. There were few times that I was fully convinced we were going to do it. Just thinking about it now takes my breath away.. We were so fucking close… so many times.

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This is the best part… And other things I used to believe.

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You’re still here huh? I was thinking you might be. You keep saying you’re never leaving me, but you know how I don’t believe in anything like that, and somehow you haven’t yet.

I was going to go somewhere with this early. I can tell because I titled and saved, which I rarely do without having wrote a substantial amount, ‘write/scream/cry/plead/whine THEN title’ that’s what I always say, but i don’t know were it was.

Maybe I was trying to remind myself to write about something when I had the time.

I’m sure it was about this afternoon, and lastnight, and how I soooooo miss being with you, being US, but how I have somehow locked away all the good and made myself forget what US feels like. (I’m guessing that’s it since all of a sudden i feel like i have a million things to write about)

Hearing you say, ‘This is the best part, afterwards…’ brought a memory of before with it that almost took my breathe away.

I remembered thinking the same thing some time ago. I vaguely remember laying there, trying to catch my breathe, heart still racing, body still tingling, and thinking, ‘Fuck, this is what amazing must feel like.’ I can remember a feeling so intense with you that it was like our souls intertwined, my being became your being, sparks felt like they were running along my skin, I felt the love of US like I have never felt anything before; and I’m sure never will again.

I remember then thinking, this can’t be real, people don’t feel this. I remember trying to convinc that i was imaging things, trying to not let myself believe a feeling so foreign.

I must have done a pretty good job because I was able to block it out, not believe…

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I don’t believe… If I ever believe in anything it will be you. I promise.

I’m sorry. Just because I don’t believe… doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

I’m yours.

I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Take it slow baby. I want to make love… Whispered words that are playing on repeat right now. Damn, I want you. Again.

I should be spending my time doing something more productive like cleaning the house but I don’t want to. I want to write out all the amazing I am feeling. I want to put it here, where it belongs, for US to come back to and be reminded of what we are capable of being.

I don’t know how you know when I need to feel loved. I don’t know how you can snap be back to US so quickly. I don’t care how you do, I only care that you keep doing it.

When the lunch and the shower went forgotten I assumed it would become what it usually does, a frantic fuck session. No way was I expecting the soft, tender, love or the gentle, whisper like caresses. Your whispered love spoke straight to my soul, igniting a fire and snatching my breath. I spent almost an hour riding the dips and swells of orgasmic bliss.  

I know that there is no way that one amazing, soul grasping, orgasmic day could ‘fix’ US completely but I know that we are on the way. I know that no matter where the path leads US or what is put in our way we will be standing side by side, soul to soul, always.

I love you.

I’m yours.

I don’t know if you will ever be there again… And it sets me into a panic, I don’t know how to be without US. I love you.

I’m sitting in my car. With the laptop. Trying to convince myself to keep breathing. It’s not really working.

I’m so confused. A little bit sad. Kinda mad. A tons more hurt.

I love you though. I have learned that no matter what my love for you will always be.

Be safe.

 

 

 

There is a reason why I wear sunglasses all the time…

I have more to not write to you today.

I’m reminded again of how much I miss the way you listen; really listen, to anything and everything I have to say. I miss the way that I could feel that you really cared what I was talking about, no matter how silly or ridiculous it was.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I pushing away the one person that I think might actually love me unconditionally? Why am I so convinced that I don’t deserve the type of love US is?

There are so many answers to those loaded questions. I could spend days listing them. I don’t think I will tonight. I know that the one answer that trumps ‘em all is THEM. They are the reason why I am doing this. They are the reason that I am trading a love felt deep in my soul for a mediocre like….

I miss you. I’m sorry.