I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

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I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..

I don’t see US ever having a night like I’ve had… I see a lot more loving than spitting and fighting for US.

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I want to write. I want to tell you about all of the horrible things that He did to me tonight. I want to tell you about how he spit in my face and called me a whore…

But I don’t have the energy. I am so tired that I can only think about curling up and falling asleep to some Pretty Little Liars, yes I am Netflix addicted, dreaming of being in your arms.

I miss you so bad it hurts. I am so thankful for your love. I am so thankful for you.

I will try to find more time to write this weekend. I’m hoping to be able to have some down time. I’m going to need it after my 11 hour day tomorrow): SUPER SAD FACE

I can’t wait to write all about May (((: EXTREME UBER EXCITED FACE

I love you. I miss you. I’m so happy to see your face every day.

I’m yours. Forever.

T-minus 2 days and counting… Take me to the river, drop me in the water.

Two more days and I will be in the middle of the woods, surrounded my sun, stars, and a river to calm my soul. You won’t be there. You won’t ever be there again. I am still struggling with that. Obviously.

You will be a part of everything I do. I will be reminded of you in everything I do this weekend and I am wondering how I will cope with that. I am wondering if the sun will be able to chase the cold that has wrapped itself around me. I am hoping I will be able to hide the sad of my eyes behind my big black sunglasses. I don’t know if I have what it takes to fake the smiles anymore. I am most scared that the nothing will take over and that I won’t be able to do or feel anything because how do you hide nothing? How can you fake anything when you feel fucking nothing?

I keep thinking of the river, hoping it will be able to pull out of this black pit that I am barely hanging onto the side of. I feel like at anytime the grasp that I have will give and I will go tumbling down and never be able to make it out again. I don’t know how many times I can be so close to the edge before the edge crumbles right beneath my grip, not giving me the chance to hang on any longer.

I’m glad that you are holding strong. I know that sounds fucked up but I don’t really care. If you weren’t strong enough to walk away then we both know I would never be, and we would be stuck in this fucking cycle of US forever.

I remember when US and forever in the same sentence sounded like a fairytale not this fucking nightmare.

I miss US.

Goodbye…