A sad broken road… To becoming whole.

Dear Universe,

I’m attempting to write again. It’s been so long. I have a ton more drafts filling up my draft folder but that is just how life is now I guess..

I have struggled to write here because of how ‘here’ came to existence. I wrote for Moon, for all the love that I had for him and what I thought was to become of US..

We are nothing now.

Yet still this blog exists.

It sits as a reminder of a life that I was certain would be mine.

Now we are nothing more than simply letters strewn together on a page.

I have attempted to put more words down here but I don’t have the passion burning inside that I once did.

It died with the loss of US…

It’s been quite sometime.

A lot has changed and very little all at the same time.

I have completely healed from the heart ache I once felt. I truly never thought I would say that. There are still moments when I deeply miss what Moon and I once shared but those moments are very few and extremely far between now. I also think about Moon sometimes.

After so many days/weeks/months/years, can you believe I still think about Moon?

I miss Moon. And I don’t I don’t mean I miss him in the way I once missed him, (like a lover) but the way you miss a friend, because honestly for a long time that is what I thought we were under it all.

I wonder if he ever thinks of me, also… not in the lovey dovey way but simply wonder if the images of US dance across his mind? Or did I truly paint that picture all on my own?

It was a long road to get here…

I was reckless, wild, free, and some might even say fun.

But there was also times of complete despair and utter hopelessness too.

I can report that I have and can feel things that are comparable, I won’t say they are the same because I don’t believe that you can have the same feelings/reactions/experiences with everyone hence the word comparable, to the feelings that he and I shared.

I was able to feel alive in the arms of another, again.

I had butterflies, giggles, and goosies, again.

I had a perma grin.

I hated to say goodbye, even if it was only for a few hours, but fell in love with hello’s all over, again.

I was a blushing, horny teenager, and I loved every second of it.

But sadly it just wasn’t our time and that relationship is no more.

And though it hurts and I feel sadness and loneliness, again…

I am hoping I will heal from this soul-ache also.

I just haven’t yet.

Will I?

This time, I’m honestly not sure…

Dear Death, You can take me now. I’m ready… Unless Moon calls.

You said you would ‘try’ to make time for me tonight. I am so nervous that I can’t really think straight right now.

What you if you don’t make time for me?
What will happen when I have to go another day without hearing your voice, without being able to get lost in you?

Will I be able to survive this without you?

I don’t know.

I don’t think I will.

I don’t think I will be able to keep on existing without you much longer. The part of me that you found and brought  to life is slowly dying and withering to nothing. Life without US has no color. There is no life to this life without you. I simply wake up and somehow robot my way through the day the best way I can, half alive, wishing for death, praying for you, hoping US will find it’s way back to the light.

I don’t have much faith. The believe that you nurtured and loved for so many months is no longer there, it disappeared and all that is left is anxiety, emptiness, and depression.

I can only hope that tonight is the night I get to be in your arms, wrapped in your love, and that I don’t fuck anytime that we have as US up.

That is my biggest fear. I am so nervous to speak to you that I fear I may clam up and then the awkwardness will be so obvious. Why would you want to spend anytime with me when I am a fun-sucking super crier? 

I miss you.

I miss your voice.

I miss your love.

I miss your laugh.

I miss the way you call me Beautiful and Hunny Bun and SnuggleBunny and all the other mushy gushy lovey dovey things that you call me.

I miss getting so lost in US that nothing else exists.

I miss waking up and falling asleep to you.

I miss feeling safe, loved, needed, and most of all wanted.

I miss the way you made me feel like no matter what I was saying, doing, or whatever that I mattered.

I miss feeling you, inside me, wrapped around me, filling me.

I miss everything.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

#TrueStatement… If only He knew.

HE walked by the other night while I was online and somehow noticed moon lover in the corner of the screen, the teeny tiny top right hand corner of the laptop screen. How he ever noticed I will never know but he did and he goes,

‘Oh, moon lover… Is that you?’

To which I of course replied, ‘Huh-uh.’  

And He says… ‘Oh, too bad ‘cuz I think that would be a good name for you.’ and continues past to go watch some game on TV.

Am I going to hell?  

Does it really fucking matter if I’m only trying to survive as it is?