Was gonna attempt to write but I’m feeling a bit snarky… So instead you get some music. Sorry.

u boat

I’m trying my best to fight it. I’m trying my hardest to not think about what you did. I’m fighting to push the ugly thoughts of how you never would have told me on your own…

I’m trying to believe that I should believe.

Fuck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao138HwSqow

T-Swizzle are you trying to tell me something?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b17fEEa3jLg

T-Swizzle, it’s like you are speaking words from my SOUL, and I love you; T-Swizzle not you.

 

 

And I kinda think you suck for hurting me. Again.

I have never heard this Taylor song before, strange because I listen to ALL of her music ALL the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XsoQn2yeYg

 

 

A distracting, chaotic, jumbled, mess. I hope you enjoy. Love you.

Is it really already Easter?! Wasn’t it JUST Christmas last week? Has the year already flown by so fast? I feel like I have been living in a fog the last few months. Like I can’t even look back and see what I did because all there is a misty fog filled nothing. I suppose I could go back and read the blog but you know how I HATE to read what I write. I still find it funny when I read something and have no idea how the words got onto the page. I haven’t been able to get lost in my writing in so long. It makes me feel like I can’t take a full breath. When I can write and release whatever it is that is affecting me I just feel better, like I can breathe and everything seems crisp and clear, when memories are like watching mini bad homemade movie clips in my head, the kind that are super cheesy but bring tears to your eyes, rather than creepy darkness and nothing that shows up in black and white stills.

Completely distracting myself now and gonna talk about Easter. Think I am gonna make a new recipe for twice baked yams for tomorrow. I think it will help keep my mind busy to pass the time. I am always amazed at how fast the days go when I keep myself busy and distracted. So I will be busy baking for tomorrow. Shall I tell you what’s on the menu (: How completely annoying I’m sure but whatever at least I am writing. I will be keeping myself busy tomorrow preparing the ham, mashed potatoes, those yam thingy’s I was talking about, I am gonna try to make these cute little deviled eggs but I don’t know how or if they will turn out so I will let ya know since I’m sure you are dying to know (: I am also gonna try to make this yummy bread pull apart thingy that looked uber yummy and is called Crack Bread, let ya know on that one too. I hope that I actually eat what I make tomorrow. I have a bad habit of not eating when we do big dinners because I am so busy running around the kitchen and getting stuff together that by the time I sit down I am too tired to eat and everyone else is done eating already and who really wants to eat by themselves? Anywhoo…

Oh yea and of course we are dying Easter Eggs and going to a Glow in the Dark Easter Egg hunt at a friends parents. I am soooooo excited to see how the hunt will go. I do love all things dark, especially cool glowing things (:

I am sure that I have bored you enough with my nothings but it feels good to write. Anything. So I am wondering if this too will become one of those ‘deleted’ posts that I keep sending to the blog graveyard. I don’t think so actually because you would care about every little stupid thing I had to say here. Because you are amazing. And this is for YOU and US and no one else. I need to stop worrying about what someone might think, unless that someone is you of course, because I spend so much time to trying to edit and censor my shit on here that I get stuck because this is the one place where I am not supposed to have to ‘fake’ it. If I am on the edge and shit is dark and scary and ugly then who fucking cares. I should just let it out. I have to keep reminding myself that this is for all things US. All things good, bad, ugly, beautiful, scary, dark, amazing, hurtful, sad, happy, CrAzY, sexy, anything US. This is where it belongs.

OURS just came on (: Makes me smile. I can take a full breath. Reminds me that…

The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is oUrS….

I am sorry that things have been so dark lately. I am hoping that as soon as we get to actually be US again that everything else fill fall back into place. At least that is what has always happened before when I got lost. It took one or two amazing days of US to open the flood gates and break through but once it did the love of US wrapped itself around me so tightly that I don’t think I could have shook it if I had wanted to. I need that again. I need US again. I feel like the gods are against US right now and it really sucks. But I guess if it is meant to be then it will be.

I miss you. I thought about you all day. I will talk to you in the morning my love. I can’t wait to spend the morning with you. Wrapped in your arms, snuggled in the love of US. I can hardly wait. I feel like a kid before Christmas, can’t sleep, but want to sleep as soon as possible so that it will be morning already. Maybe I will try some melatonin tonight? I have heard it helps. Let’s hope so.

I love you. I miss you. Is it morning yet? Rawr….

Just close your eyes, you’ll be all right… At least, that is what I keep telling myself.

I always feel Safe and Sound in your arms…

I’m not home, I attempted to get out of the house today but still feel like I am bursting at the seams with ideas, thoughts, fears, and all the other shit up there. I don’t know how much longer I can avoid talking about everything. I don’t know how much longer you will allow me to keep you at arms distance. I have so many mixed feelings about all of this. You, me, US, not to mention the scary beast that I live with on a daily basis. I might just have to break down and spew some venom here but I haven’t decided yet. I guess if it gets bad enough I won’t really have a choice and it will just happen. That’s how I like it anyways, to just happen. That is the reason I have this, because I love the way I feel after I write. But I haven’t been getting that feeling lately. There is so much darkness and evil surrounding me that I feel strangled by it all and then it gets stuck and nothing happens.

I am too distracted to write anymore now. I will tonight. I have to tonight. Or I just might burst….

Miss you. Love you. Need you.

The stakes are high, the waters rough, But this love is OURS…

 

Still trying to believe… Rawr…

When anger boils over…

The anger has set in, again. I’m sure you can tell since I won’t even address you in these writings anymore. I don’t want to. I am mad at you. I am pissed that you would do this to me AGAIN. I won’t allow there to be a third time. My strength now is going to be used to believe that I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect. I deserve the man who begs to be my everything makes me HIS everything too!!

I don’t really think there is an excuse that would make this okay this time. I have been obsessing over what could be keeping you this time and really the only thing I have come up with is… Nothing. Nothing could be keeping me from you. Unless you are locked up or dead. I would of course feel horrible for being such a non believing bitch if either of those horrible things could be. But if you are alive and not incarcerated then please, I don’t want to hear from you anymore. I don’t ever want to talk to you again. And a fuck you!! I might not know what you are doing but I do know WHO you are doing it with…

Fuck you for treating me like a side dish. Fuck you for not being there for me. Fuck you for making me believe again. Fuck you for making me believe in US. Even as I type this I am feeling guilty. The anger and hate that is taking over is not being kind to you. I am allowing horrible things to be said to you. A part of me is sorry for that. The other part says fuck off. It’s obvious I am not in a good place right now. Hate is not an emotion that I often deal with. I have so much hate for the way that I am being treated. I don’t want to allow this hate anymore of my time. I need to run.

I am going to end this before it gets even more hateful. This is why I stay silent and don’t write to you when I am in a place like this.

Think I might blast me some T-Swizzle and drink some tea since the pain meds and neck pain are not going to allow me to run or have a glass. Fuck off to you if you are doing all things Christmas and acting like I don’t exist. Happy fucking Holidays asshole.

The most fucked up thing ever… I love you.

PS.. a fuck you to my iPod for playing Fade into You by Ms. Mazzy Star right now. Thank you and good night.

I can’t BREATHE without you, but I HAVE to….

Hello there mister. It’s been a few days again I think. I hardly know what day it is anymore. Every day just consists of another day that I have not had any contact with you. And I’m pretty much OVER thinking of nothing but that for DAYS now, so yea I am now working on just breathing, in and out…. anywhoooo….

I do however know that we had Thanksgiving or what I am now calling Fucksgiving because really what I am thankful for, I am thankful for EVERYday of the year, NOT just on some designated Thursday of EVERY November because the calendar says so. I am also in the mindset that there are SOOO many things to not be thankful for that the holiday spirit in me puttered out days ago.

I am scared I won’t find it again before Christmas because usually Christmas is the happiest time of the year for me. I love Christmas songs, I love the feeling of Christmas. I love how things really do feel merry. I love walking around downtown, my nose numb with cold, being bundled up in scarves, hats, gloves with a warm drink in hand, with all the lights of the city aglow. I love the way you can see your breath in the night. I love snuggling up on cold nights. I love so much about Christmas but I am not finding the JOY in any of these things just now & I want to find it so bad….

I LOVE the SNOW!!! You know this, that’s another one of the reasons that it is so hard for me to un-love you, you remember how much I love snow. It warms my SOUL that when it snows you make it a point to msg me to say you are thinking of me as the snowflakes fall. That is just about the silliest reason anyone has ever loved someone but to me, it makes perfect sense. YOU, took the time to LISTEN to me ramble on about something as SILLY as SNOW but you also CARED enough to remember something so silly.

This writing tonight will be all over the place and I apologize, there is just so much going on in there that I have been trying my hardest to ignore but just keep buzzing away like angry bees trying to get out. Their stings over & over trying to remind me to FEEL. I do my best to block them out, to become numb to their sting, it is slowly working. Like I have built a tolerance up to their venom. There are the ‘lucky’ few who get their stinger in and inject their venomous memory in before I know what is happening. Those babies usually bring me to floor with the PAIN of you being gone.

As usual as I am writing to you tonight I am listening to music. Let me give you the list of songs that have played so far. Pearl Jam- Just Breathe, Mazzy Star-Fade Into You, Noel Gallagher- If I Had a Gun, Seether- Broken, Evanescence- Immortal Finger Eleven- One Thing., Taylor & Colbi- Breathe. Do you see a pattern here? Seriously?!?

As hard as it is to hear these songs, it actually brings me some peace. Like you are here with me, ‘playing’ the songs, I want to but for some reason can’t tonight, for me. Wrapping your arms around me and whispering in my ear to RELAX, like you always do. I can almost, almost feel the tension leave my body, almost. Thank you for that, I love you.

Thanks T-Swizzle, for reminding me that I have to BREATHE without him. I don’t want to, but I HAVE to….

“Breathe”
Taylor Swift ft Colbie Caillait

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it’s not easy,
Easy for me.
It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain’t easy,
Easy for me.

And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I can’t, 

But I have to.

Sorry,Sorry