I was told not to blog so I didn’t, well I did I just didn’t post it… Until now.

 

say sorry

 

So I’ve been told not to blog.

I know that no one on this rock knows me better than you so I’m pretty sure you are expecting this, probably waiting for it, and if you hate me well, I’ll just take the hate.

You know I truly had no intention of ever writing to you again.

I actually dreamt of you 3 or 4 nights ago.

It was amazing.

I wasn’t searching for you.

None of your features were blurred.

It was your smiling face and amazing blue eyes.

We weren’t fighting.

We weren’t hiding from anyone.

You didn’t reject me.

We spent a lot of time just snuggling together smiling and me hiding my face in your chest.

It wasn’t some steamy porno dream (damnit) but we did at some point find each other but there was nothing rushed or phony about it.

I felt happy, loved, and peaceful.

It was amazing.

I woke up feeling less heavy than I have in a long time.

I took it as a sign that my soul was finally accepting the fact that it had to go on without you and that I needed to accept it now also.

So I did.

And now this.

Not even 72 hours later and I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, mascara smeared, broken (again), hurting, not breathing, wondering why the fuck I am so fucking stupid?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I should have listened to my soul when it was screaming at me to ignore you no matter how hard it was.

But I didn’t.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I’m weak when it comes to your love.

I will fall for it everytime.

I still believe in it. (hey I already said I was an idiot ok sorry)

I think I will want to believe in it forever. Why wouldn’t I? I spent years of my life believing it. I truly saw myself believing in it for an eternity.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

You still don’t want to admit to anyone close to you that I mean something to you.

You don’t want any of them to know that you care about me.

So who are you lying to?

Me?

Them?

Yourself?

There has to be a reason why you didn’t want me to blog about our conversations or Skype.

What is it?

You must really be lying to someone to go out of your way to make it a point to tell me you’d regret it because I would blog/Facebook/tell people.

Who would I tell?

I guess the bigger question is who would you NOT tell?

And if they mean so fucking much to you then why continue to fuck with me?

Why pretend like you love me and want to start over if it’s all just fucking bullshit?!?!?!?!?

I don’t think I will ever understand how you could say that you shared the love that I had for you when you over and over again you hurt/break/tear me down? If you had the love that I have/had there would be no way that you would ever want to hurt or see me hurt the way that you have.

I started this last night.

As we were arguing via text.

Before you text me and called me.

Before we Skype’d.

Before we spent time just being US.

Before we laughed as we tried to remember why we were fighting in the first place and then spent time trying to figure out why we started fighting in the first place.

Before we spent time just talking to each other, not yelling/fighting/crying(well a little bit of crying, it’s me duh)/hanging up on each other/blaming/denying.

I miss that so bad.

I miss the way that whatever we are doing it just flows, there is no awkwardness, everything smoothly transitions into the next. I’m happy that there was very little lovey dovey mushy gushy stuff. It was simply just US.

I missed the way you make me laugh.

I missed looking up to see your smile and blue eyes looking back at me.

But…

I’m sure it was a mistake.

I’m sure you really aren’t going to change.

I’m sure no one knows that you are talking to me.

I’m sure that you’d deny deny deny that any of the above happened.

I’m sure that I haven’t crossed your mind today.

I’m sure that I could keep calling for days and if you weren’t by yourself then you wouldn’t respond or aknowledge me.

And I am requiring more of that from people that I allow into my life.

On another note I have a new anthem check it out. I think it is amazefuckingballz!!

 

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I’m still here… Kinda.

feel so empty

 

I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

I’m a sad soul… Living inside of a corpse.

image

I want to wake up. I want to find out this was all a sick nightmare. I want you to tell me this was all just a way for you test my love and make sure that it was real and that I passed and you’re mine and you always have and always will be.

None of those things are going to happen.

You are really gone.

You’re not coming back.

You don’t want to be back.

How the fuck can I be writing these words? How can I be talking about us when I type out that you’re gone?!

You’re gone….

I can’t accept it, I can’t breathe when I try to so I have given up trying.

I know I’ve said it earlier but I truly feel the absence of you in my soul. I can’t believe that for a whole fucking lifetime I have to go without you.

This is so much worse than I have ever felt before.

Why?!

Why did you spend so many years stroking my love? Why would you tell me all these fake stories of how you were the one for me? Why would you pretend like you loved me?

I don’t even know what to do. I want to beg you to come back. And then I remember… I did.

You barely heard me.

I want to sleep. I don’t want you to be in my dreams anymore. I don’t want to have to feel the loss of you even while I sleep.

But it doesn’t matter.

You live in my soul. You have been burned into my being. No matter where I go or what I do you are always there, lingering is the pain of you missing, I can’t escape it.

And everything I’m feeling makes me so fucking pathetic I can hardly stand it.

I’m broken. I’m dead. I’m a walking fucking zombie.

All because I believed in a love that wasn’t even fucking real!!!

Why did I believe in you?

 

I made it through another day… now if I can only survive through the night.

image

I’m too sad to write much of anything but it was this or call/text you, and well, that’s not an option…

I hate when I’m quiet. Quiet is bad.

Is life really that much better without me?

Was life with me so bad that you’d leave and never look back?

I’m sorry.

It’s a cry in the shower kind of night… It’s my potty I will cry if I want to.

image

Going to try to wash it all down the drain with the bath water (:

 

Say Something… I’m giving up on You.

time to let go

I had spent a little time this morning writing. But then I remembered that you don’t care anymore. I remembered that we spent time talking a few days ago and I told you exactly how I felt and how much I hurt and loved you, well I pretty much had word vomit all over you, but you didn’t care. It didn’t bother you at all. I doubt you even stopped doing whatever you were doing to even have the conversation we had. I questioned whether you even heard most of what I was saying.

You’re done with me.

You have moved past US.

You love me and will forever BUT you can’t see yourself with anyone else ever again.

I call bullshit.

I’m not even worth the effort it takes to answer a call or send a response text.  But I am more than sure that you have spent more effort and time interacting with other people.

I wonder when you tell people that you can’t sleep if you tell them you can’t sleep because you are supposed to be sleeping with me. You don’t. Most of them don’t even know I exist.

It hurts.

I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of missing you and hurting.

You might decide someday that letting me go was a mistake; what will you feel when you realize I’m not coming back? Will it kill you to know that I was yours but you tossed me aside and decided that I wasn’t worth your time anymore?

This song has been running through my head for days now and it just happened to finally pop up on Pandora so I’m going to let it finish my post for me.

I think it says it beautifully….

Say Something…. A Great Big World

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

 

Ugh….

heart gone

I’m so sad.

I can’t seem to stop the tears today. It’s been raining like crazy today, the big fat drops that are my favorite, and I am enjoying watching them and listening to them.

Why aren’t you as easy to forget as I was?

I’m never going to be what you want me to be… Sorry I’m not sorry.

sin differently

I love how the only interaction I get with you is negative now. Gone are the days filled with I love you’s, miss you’s, need you’s, or just a simple thinking of you texts. Now I get… well you know what I get. 

But what I don’t get is what it is you want from me?

I feel like I am always in trouble with you, like I have just done something to piss you off, everything seems like it’s a yell or I’m a disappointment to you now.

I hate it.

I have somehow given you this power and it sucks.

In other news…

This is supposed to be the one place in my crazy world that I can come to and vent and get all the ugliness I am feeling out. The one place where I get to say and tell exactly how I feel. The place where the only thing I give is brutal honesty. This blog was made for that specific purpose.

But now I feel like I have to censor what I am saying or feeling because I might piss off or hurt someones feeling.

You don’t get to judge me here.

You don’t get to use anything here against me.

If you don’t like what I am saying or how I am feeling then you don’t get to be here. Don’t read what I write. You don’t have to.

But I’m not going to stop writing. I’m not going to pretend like life is all sunshine and unicorns here. I’m not going to change how I write here.

I never will.

This will always be the realest, rawest, sometimes ugliest, truths of the most beautiful love ever.

I don’t care that it’s over.

Lost but never forgotten…

 

I’m not happy, you’re not happy… Or are you?

sad soul

It’s been 2 weekends now and I have kept my word. I haven’t called. I haven’t text. I haven’t emailed.

And neither have You…

I haven’t taken a full breath or slept through the night.

But I’m not going to talk about that. I’m not focusing on the moments that bring tears to my eyes and a hurt to my soul.

I’m still chanting that silly saying over and over… I’m letting go, I’m letting go…

Maybe I should switch it up to, ‘He let go, he let go, he let go…’ Think it might make the hurt hurt a little less?

Probably not.

I hate so much that you get to just act like nothing is wrong and everything is super because no one knows about me. No one asks you how I am or when the last time you talk to me. You don’t have to be reminded of me ever because I don’t exist over there. But I’m reminded of you all the time. Sucks.

Yay you.

I’m glad one of us made it out of this.

Sorry about all the ugly here. Guess I don’t have anything nice to say so I wont say anymore at all.

Night.

Another session with YouTube… Ugh.

storms risehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeI4Ft8P7ks