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I have decided that… No Sex Sunday’s really SUCK!!

Fuck. I had so much I was going to say but now that I am sitting here I am BLANK!! Maybe its because there is so much running amok up there and trying to get out its just a big clusterfuck.

Its dark up there, I know that much. It’s not a pretty place right now. Oh yea, I wanted to thank you for saving me from the Yellow Line earlier. Thank you f r being there as much as you can. I don’t know how I would be surviving right now without you. This happens to scare me even more.

The swimming I did today was perhaps just what my exhausted mind needed. The screams and yells of delight from the kids in the pool were just enough to distract me from what was going on up there. I liked it. I miss it. I missed it as soon as I got into the silent car, well, until I turned the music up and had a dance party that is (:

Okay, I really don’t know what else I have tonight. I seem to be making tons of errors as I type which is so unusual. Usually the words flow from my fingers as smoothly as words from my mouth but not tonight. I am done backspacing and correcting its annoying me.

I miss you. I always miss you. I need you. I always need you. I love you. I will always love you.

Goodnight my Moon. I love you.

PS. I take back what I said last weekend about No Sex Sundays… I think… at least for now I do (:

Today seems like a great day for the world to stop. And that my dear is all I got tonight…

Anger turns to tears, a decision is MADE, and a blog is BORN…

 

I updated the blog today and added a new page because looking back at early posts they were as jumbled and wacky as my head… I hope that this helps the story of US a bit easier to understand. So I decided to POST a copy of it here (: 

The following are emails that I wrote to Moon but knew that I would never be able to find the courage to hit send. We had not been in communication for quite awhile and at the time I had no idea if he was ever coming back or what was happening. So, instead of sending a gazillion emails to him and look like a CrAzY I started just writing them and then saving them to the drafts folder of my email.

After they started stacking up I decided I needed a better place to hold these tears of my soul.

So, on October 27th, 2011 a blog was born. These are the ’emails’ that started it ALL (:

Writing to Moon along with the love of US is what has saved me. 

So sit back, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and hold on tight… This is definitely going to be a BuMpY ReAd….

THE EMAILS….

OMG where did the weekend go & why does it seem like it has taken SO long to be done with.

I haven’t heard from you since Sat evening when C started puking but it seems like so much LONGER. . . the days have ran together, lack of sleep does that, C is finally sleeping after being up since 12:30 am LAST night he didn’t sleep ALL night!!  He lay next to me in bed watching TV spoiled baby (: It was nice to have him to snuggle up with (: Mama Time now. . .
      
I’m  listening to Angel by Jack Johnson and the TEARS won’t STOP flowing. I feel like I really am cleansing my SOUL (: Sometimes you just have to cry I guess. I’m gonna keep writing to you in these drafts because its the only way I have to vent what is going on in my f’d up head without losing the tiny grasp that I have left here.  YOU were the only one who would listen to me ramble for hours over nothing and NOT complain about it (: Geesh. . . way to SPOIL a girl (: I need to stop trying to wipe away the tears because my cheeks and under eyes are starting to hurt and they don’t stay DRY for very long anywhoo, its hard not to because they tickle my cheeks (: This is going to be ALL over the place and not make since that’s what is so FUN about it. I should have started doing this LONG ago and maybe I would have been a bit more sane, doubt it (: 
 
I hear that you are happy with where you are right now and blah, blah, blah, and I’m really HAPPY for you I am. I truly wanted you to be happy with you and Little Man, it’s just that… HOW? How could you be happy and fine already? I’m so BROKEN and it hurts SO bad to know that you have her there LOVING you and holding you and telling you and EVERYthing  that turns my stomach JUST thinking about. . .     I KNEW you would always leave in the end BUT can u blame a girl for wishing that I would be WORTH fighting for? I know it sounds silly, deep down I’m GLAD you didn’t fight for it, but it doesn’t matter to my ❤ right now, I would feel so much better BUT it would be so much WORSE for you, I just NEVER thought YOU would give up this easily (*: I really ALWAYS thought that you Really thought we had something to fight for. I guess that is why I thought we had something to FIGHT for, because YOU did (: its really kinda funny though, makes me giggle a lil, I guess I really knew all along how it REALLY was, I just TRIED to convince myself that WE were different. we were the exception. silly girl (: I know why you had to. It HAD to be you, because I was NEVER strong enough to walk away. . .
    
I guess really I just feel stupid, I KNEW it would be this way in the end, I did, and I think u did too. . . BUT it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter that I knew it was WRONG, that I knew it would END, none of it mattered because it felt RIGHT. Plain and simple being with you felt RIGHT. Thinking way back to when we 1st started talking I kept trying to explain how I felt when we were laying there but there was no WORDS that could explain it because I, at that time didn’t know what it was & then there was a day that I was laying in my room and all of a SUDDEN it hit me, EVERYthing felt RIGHT like it should be, I felt like laying with you, talking with you, playing with you, just BEING with you felt RIGHT. Like I was RIGHT where I should be. & that is the hardest FEELING of all of them to let go of.
 
I feel like I need to NAME it (: Like I need to name my ❤ for you and LET IT GO. Sharpie that shit on a balloon and LET IT GO (:

If you hear about planes getting caught in a balloon storm, don’t worry it’s just me trying to LET GO of you. . . I don’t know if there are enough balloons Moon but KNOW that the next rain storm we get I’m taking my balloons and sharpie out to the beach and we are gonna have a lil g’bye party babe (: wish you could be there but that is SOOO not the point (: rules were however MEANT to be broken (: says the chick who has been breaking ‘girl’ code for months now (:
 
Mazzy Starr came on Fade Into You. . . will ALWAYS remind me of you (: If ONLY it was that easy, to just fade into you. . .
 
Geez I think this might really be working, I feel BETTER, I feel like I can take a deep breath again, you always did know how to bring me down (:

To make you feel my love came on by Adele (: what a perfect song to wrap up my cry session (:
 
I want to end this by saying that I have NO ill feeling towards you, I wish NOTHING but the BEST for you and Little Man, ALWAYS (: There’s nothing I wouldn’t do. . . to make you feel my love. . .
 
G’night my Moon ❤ 

Its funny how there are moments when the PAIN just takes my breath away (*:

I am saddened by this but also find comfort in it at the same time. I ACTUALLY loved like everyone wants to (: I LOVED someone so COMPLETELY that the pain of losing them takes my breath away. not everyone can say that they have LOVED like that (: I AM capable of LOVING with my whole SOUL again. . . and for this I thank you Moon (:

I started this particular writing around 9ish tonight and its now after midnight almost, I can’t stop writing down things that I am feeling. I can’t stop myself from coming back here and venting my ❤ to you. It’s what I have been reliant on for months now & I just can’t seem to stop cold turkey. it was NEVER this hard before, ya I whined and bitched about how much I missed you, and I did I really DID but this is a different kind of HURT, its a deep in the gut of your stomach hurt, a hurt that you know NOTHING will take away except what is HURTING you the most right now and it WONT be taken away so you just have to DEAL hurt. Maybe I am crazy (: maybe ALL this I’m writing about and THINKING that I’m feeling I’ve just made up in my head (: maybe you were never REAL in the first place. I know you were never Really mine. . . but it was GREAT while it Lasted and NO ONE will or EVER could take the WAY you made me feel & the LOVE you made me feel no matter how HARD they try! Because I KNOW you & you are GOOD people (: and GOOD people never lie about LOVE ❤

I’m gonna try to sleep again, have to keep turning it to find a ‘dry’ spot (: . . . g’night my moon RawR. . .

Hey Babes I’m back.

I made it thru another NIGHT (if you consider tossing, turning, crying, NOT sleeping MAKING it thru) w/out you and I EVEN woke up to tell about it (:

Imagine that. I NEVER knew how good it felt to write shit down (: Its like with the tears of missing you flowing and my crazy thoughts let out my SOUL is being cleansed (: sounds crazy I guess but to me it makes sense.

I find myself often drifting off, replaying some random scene of us talking. Super ooky and psycho I KNOW but it is something that I cannot (and don’t really want to) stop for now & am just getting used to the sense of being in this weird foggy void where I am living, doing things, talking with people, but yet just not REALLY being there, like I’m just doing the actions on some sort of auto-pilot.

Scene from yesterday. . . 

C: Mom I’m STARVING.

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s dump in bowl add water put in microwave. 

15 mins later

 C: MOM I’m sooooo hungry

Me: walk to cupboard grab packet of noo noo’s LOOK for noo noo bowl (yea I know CRAZy again a BOWL just for noo noo’s, but hey it makes the kid happy and that makes me sane) cant find it, microwave beeps to remind me there is something in it, oh yea its the noodles I GUESS I must have made earlier. Ooops sorry C mama kinda sucks right now ):

I’m leaving the HOUSE today (: I’m taking the baby and I’m going to do a lil bit of ‘baby’ therapy and snuggle my sadness away (: I have complete FAITH that I will be without sadness for MUCH of the time I’m snuggling that lil guy because there is just no way for ME to be sad while in the presence of a baby (: thank goodness for babies ❤

Well I should go put on some mascara and lip gloss grab my sunglasses and FAKE it till I MAKE it (:

Miss you with my EVERYTHING. . . Rawr ❤

 

 

I’m back so soon. . . .

I haven’t left the house yet. maybe I’m really hoping that something goes wrong and I just end up HAVING to stay home locked up in my room in the dark w/my sadness. . . I REALLY need to get out of the house!! I can’t stop thinking about what u are doing now that we are where we are. . . I just keep imagining you sucking up and saying how I was NOTHING how this whole THING was NOTHING and how sorry you are and how much u wanna work it out and blah fucking blah. . . but at the same time there is this little thing in my head saying there is NO way this is what is going on that you just CANT get in contact with me right now NOT that you DONT want to. I guess it’s the evil crazy bitch in me that wants you to be as MISERABLE as I am.

I want you to lose sleep, not eat, forget to eat, and WANT to sleep so bad just to escape ALL the scenarios that are running thru your head. NOT have ANYone to talk to about how sad you are because YOU are the reason YOUrself is sad. And deep down KNOWing that you deserve EVERY second of sadness and hurt you feel because YOU did this. Can you believe it?! That’s how bad I want you to hurt because this is how I AM hurting. I KNOW it as I type it. EVERYthing above is TRUE, I did this, I am the REASON that I am sad, & I deserve every second I get. . .

I don’t think I have anymore TEARS to cry right now, I am drained, emotionally, mentally (fo’sho), and my body CRAVES restful sleep, not the sleep that you JUMP awake because the dreams are so vivid and HURTful, not the sleep where you wake up with your cheeks wet from the TEARS that really were falling, in your dreams and on your pillow ):

I will sleep RESTful again (: Maybe not for a few moons but. . . Oh well. . . my MOON was worth it (:

 

I guess my sadness has temporarily turned to ANGER

But mostly that is due to the FACT that I’m still receiving messages telling me to stop calling your house blah, blah, blah. I can only assume that is because YOU are spineless when it comes to the situation and ALL the talk that you talked was just that, TALK, to get what you wanted from me when u wanted it.

I have yet to go back and read your emails because that would just be pouring SALT in the wound. But something in me wants to read them so bad, I want to believe that even for the few SECONDS that I’m reading them, you really did mean what you said. All of your ‘the man who wants to be your everything’, THAT one makes me laugh as well as the saddest. The worst part is that I made you as much my EVERYthing that I could, and LOOK where that has left me. HERE, ALONE, trying to FIGHT my way out of the darkness but FAILING miserably. . .

I know that I’m NO one to you, and I’m just some crazy bitch, BUT when I said that I was broke and unfix-able, I really thought you understood and CARED. HA!! what a joke that was. Was I just a game to you? Did you really just USE me to pass the time?

Sometimes I don’t really believe you were REAL. . . can you believe that? even though I have spent MONTHS with you day and night. . . I FEEL like I imagined you. I always said when you weren’t talking that it felt like you weren’t REAL to me. . . and now that you ARE gone. . . its like I made this whole thing up in my head. Was I really happy? did I really spend the last few months LIVING? or was it all in my head? have I just been here making you up so that I could continue to put one foot in front of the other just to get thru the days, weeks. months?

I guess you are more Casper to me then EVER before. . . I feel like I’m going CRAZY. . . crazier than I have ever been. . . NOW that is CRAZY (:

I am still here. . .

I am still making it thru the day. I am still wondering WHY. . . why did I EVER listen to any of the bullshit that you fed me. Why did I NOT listen to myself and FIGHT EVERYthing I ever felt for you and ALL your BULLSHIT!!

HOW? HOW did you walk away from me?? How did you LEAVE me and NEVER look back? HOW did EVERYthing you EVER said to me turn to NOTHING? HOW Ribbie. . . HOW?? Please explain it to me SOMEONE!! TELL me tell me how someone could try so HARD to get convince someone to let their walls down, CRUSH them to nothing and then. . .continue LIVING their life, like NOTHING has happened? like EVERYTHING you said to me WAS garbage?

WHY? WHY would you FUCK with me like that? I thought I made it clear that I COULDNT survive another ❤ break. I was SERIOUS. I know that sounds RIDICULOUS but, I really can’t survive this again. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t do ANYTHING but go OVER and OVER every conversation we had, trying to see HOW I could let you FOOL me so.
I really did believe you, deep down I believed EVERY piece of BULLSHIT you have ever said to me. I thought you cared, I thought you felt but WORST of all, I thought you LOVED. . . .

 

I’m done being angry at you.

I burnt one for the day and OF COURSE thought of you. & I have decided that it doesn’t matter WHAT you or ANYONE else says NOW, I KNOW that when & what WE had was REAL!! It was REAL to me then & it is REAL to me NOW and FORVER!! I don’t believe that you would EVER hurt me intentionally. I don’t believe you would LEAVE me if you didn’t HAVE to, I do BELIEVE if we lived in a PERFECT world where wishing on a star really worked YOU would BE with me! You would CHOOSE me if the choice was yours ALONE, I would be your choice. Even if that is not what you WOULD choose. To ME, that’s the ONLY choice that makes EVERYthing we HAD make sense. Because I LOVED with ALL I had and I FELT that you did too.

This has brought me some bit of closure for now. I don’t know if you will EVER READ this WHOLE thing if you ever do I am sorry I have not re-read ANYTHING I have wrote and for that I am SORRY. What I wrote was REAL and RAW emotions that I was feeling at the time. I may keep writing to you. Maybe I will blog to my Moon (: LoL who knows? this Really helps with what I am feeling at the time and getting out there and then leaving it and moving ON from it. SO again I am sorry if I see things differently than you.

I’m sorry that this is what our STORY has become but I WONT say goodbye This is not where OUR story will END. . . .

I will only say. . .

UNTIL we meet AGAIN my MOON. I will MISS you & Rawr FOREVER ❤

 

A few lingering questions…

Do you ever think of me?? Do I ever CROSS your mind? Does the PAIN stop you in your tracks sometimes like it does me? Is there REALLY something/someone stopping you from contacting me, like I SO hope, OR are you not contacting me by CHOICE of your own? Was this your OUT?? Have you been hoping for her to FIND out so that she would REALIZE what was right in front of her the WHOLE time? Do you HATE me? Do you REGRET? Will we EVER get closure. . . . . . . . .

 

 

Dear Happy, Please stay… Forever.

I am trying to hold on to this happy. It is so difficult when you are gone. Things are so opposite when you are not around. I can only imagine after how hard and much you try to ‘fix’ me that you will get upset and over it, if it takes too long. Will I be ‘fixed’ by then? Or will I still be having these panic attacks when you are away? I want to be fixed so bad baby. I want to just love like I have never been hurt. I want to believe EVERY promise, word, dream that we have ever shared. But… We don’t always get what we want.

Or do we?

You are so what I want. And you are proving more and more each day that I get you, for now. So perhaps sometimes we do get what we want because what I want is you.

I would love for whatever it is that is making me feel so insecure and fearful about US to just FUCK OFF already! I want this happy to stay but in reality it wont and not only because I miss US when you are gone but also because life is not so peachy for me right now. But that my darling is a WHOLE other blog (: and this, this if for you my Moon, for me, and most importantly for US.

Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t let my insecurities and fears push you away. I want you, I love you, and I KNOW you love me. Please don’t ever doubt that. And if I do push baby its because I don’t think that you should have to deal with my issues outside of US, I just don’t want to involve you in any of that. I am also going to apologize in advance if I am crabby, bitchy, pissy, emotional, overly dramatic, uncontrollably crazy, or just ridiculously hard to understand right now. I am trying. Just please, please, know that I am trying. I am trying to believe. I am trying to battle these demons. I am trying to be strong.

I miss you tonight. I miss not be able to just hear you breathe. I could would just listen to you breathe for ever. I love you.

It’s a bit too early for me to say goodnight so I will just say… Until we meet again my Moon. I love you.

Note to self…

I miss you already. I am trying my hardest not to fuck US up. I pinky (:

Goodnight my Moon. I love you. I hope to see you in my dreams…

Too much US for time to erase… I miss you.

I spent the morning reading the last months worth of communication with us. I know, I know, crazy, psycho, class 5 clinger thing to do but I had to. I dreamt about US, well you mostly, last night. You held me close. You wouldn’t let me go no matter how hard I struggled. You just held me. You kept whispering in my ear. I said horrible things to you, I yelled at you to just leave, leave like everyone else, you wouldn’t, you didn’t. You held on tighter, you kissed my neck, you told me to remember, to believe. You said you were never leaving, that you meant it when you said you loved me and wanted it to work. You cried with me. It was the most vivid, real, dream that I have had in awhile. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, my heart was racing, and there was NO chance of falling back asleep.

What else did I have to do other than reread the messages? I started with December 23rd and could only get through the 27th before I had to stop. I couldn’t breathe again. I haven’t been able to much lately. I went and lay down for a bit and took a nap. I only slept a few hours last night and was exhausted from all the emotions I was feeling. I have decided that you were real. What we had was real. US is real. That there must be a reason behind why we are apart, it might be a good one or even an acceptable one but I know there is a reason and even if we are apart that it doesn’t mean that you didn’t love me. You did love me. You do love. I know you do because I can feel it. I can feel that somewhere out there you are loving me. You said you were not going to leave me. That not everyone leaves. I am trying to believe.

I am trying to be less ‘glass half empty’, which makes me smile because we just talked about this the other day, how you are so positive all the time and I am always bracing for earth shattering news. So, I am trying, I am going to stop thinking that the reason why you are gone is because you don’t love me because I know that you did, that you DO love me. I forget that in all of this craziness that you have gone through some pretty big life changing events since the New Year. I hope you are okay. I hope that you know that wherever you are that I love you. Please don’t mistake my love for forgiveness because don’t think that all of this goes away because I love you or you love me? Ummm… no, not at all actually. I am just reminded that things are different now than they ever have been before. I forget that your day to day life is not the same and that you don’t have the access to certain things that you used to. I was reminded last night of something you said to me about not being like everyone else. How you would never leave me that you would never want to leave me. That you love me that you love the good, bad, crying, sad, happy, silly, annoying, funny, unusually long raging PMS bitch that I can be. I believed you then and I believe you now. I am going to go dig my Believe  cup out of the back of the cupboard where I stashed it and I am going to believe, have a cup of tea, and love the shit out of you, of US. I miss US. Again, I hope you are okay. I miss you. I love you.

Trying to fight the darknes…

This song is haunting me. It is showing up first on almost any music device I start up. I don’t know why. Am I supposed to want you to stay? Did you stay? Will you stay? Weren’t you always going to stay? Haven’t I really been just fooling myself that it was going to be any other way? I guess I am in too dark of a place right now to write to you. I feel like there is nothing that should be said from these monsters that are running amok inside my head. I am trying to fight them. I am trying to…. Breathe… who am I kidding? I am just trying to fucking breathe today…  I finally made myself leave my room and come to the living room. I haven’t been feeling like doing anything today. I haven’t even eaten and the worst part is I even tried; I actually tried to force myself to eat. I ended up almost gagging so I aborted mission. I put on some music in here and what do you think is fucking playing? Really? Seriously? I guess I am going to try to distract myself with some smutty reality TV. There’s nothing like a good girl fight to make ya feel better, especially when it’s over a guy who has ALSO made out with 16 other chicks too. I am probably going straight to hell. Wait, this isn’t hell? Fuck…  

** I don’t know when I wrote this or why it never was posted so I am just posting as is… sorry if it is choppy and hard to follow…


I’m trying, I really am….

I couldn’t have woken up to a more upsetting morning. The only thing I guess I will say for now is I believe in you. I am going to believe and follow my heart, the way that it starts to flutter, the moments of stolen breath, the butterflies that I have missed so much, and I am going to try so hard to ignore the demons that run amok inside. I am going to try but I don’t know how successful I will be with you not around. I can’t imagine that you will be able to spend much time with me for a bit. Which of course makes me wonder if this whole ‘believe’ shit is worth it or if my BELIEVE is really just me being NAIVE, okay fine, STUPID? I guess if you can’t own IT, you shouldn’t do it so this is me owning it. I am officially saying that if you are bullshitting me then I am a fucking IDIOT!! I hope that I am wrong. I hope I am not the idiot again but can you blame me for thinking anything else? I am used to broken promises and shattered hearts. I don’t know what to do with you and your ‘want’ to be there for me so much. I am so confused at what to do with your love. I don’t know if I should let it envelope me like I so want it to or to keep it at bay? As soon as I start to feel the sparkle, the tingle of US, I feel the need to shut it down. My believe is weakening, I’m going to run……… I’m sorry… Rawr

Pushing it aside for the Holidays…

I am trying to stay silent. I really am. I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible with this pulled/strained muscle I have. It is hard because I can’t do much before I have to get into a neutral position. I have been listening to music. I took the boys out to dinner at one of our fav Mexican spots. I gave C my laptop to play on for most of the day. I encouraged the boys to fight with their light sabers in the house. Can you believe it, me the warden, encouraged all this craziness?!?

I have decided to continue to write to you on here but to avoid all other contact with you. I need to find Me again. I need to try to be okay, I’m not right now and that’s not okay. I have the perfect excuse to spend time and get lost in family, it’s the fucking holidays and I can barely get myself out of bed. I am so bad that I am physically hurting myself now. The lack of sleep and The Beast have worn my body so much I am pulling/straining muscles that I didn’t even know possible.

I must be losing it. Or maybe I am just finding Me again. I need to focus on me. I wish you well. I really do hope you and yours enjoy your holidays because I plan on enjoying mine! I owe it to my boys.  Thank goodness for my babies, without them I don’t think there would be a Me right now. They are my true WORLD and I need to remind myself that. I am sorry to my boys and my boys ONLY.

I still love you. Maybe now just isn’t the time for US. Perhaps there will be a time because I know that the love I have for you is REAL.

Until we meet again my Moon. I love you. I’m sorry.

PS. Marjorie Johnson makes my heart happy (: You can find her here at BAKING. I just want to hug her. She makes me miss my grandma. Thanks for giving me a much needed smile Ms. Marjorie ❤