skdfjowiernndleiowjhernds… that’s how I should start to title all of my posts.

taking back us

You may have finally told me that you didn’t love me anymore only 8 months ago but you have been gone for over a year really, almost a year and a half I think.

Do you think that I am any less sad? Does it hurt any less? Am I healed?

Nope.

I don’t think I will ever be healed. I don’t understand that. I have tried just about everything to move on.

I have successfully pushed away any kind of relationship.

I have tried to fuck the hurt away.

I have shut myself out from everyone.

I deleted my Facebook.

But I can’t delete the pictures that have been burned into my soul of US. I can’t trash the memories that will forever haunt me of our love story.

Why?

Why am I holding on to hope for something that will never be?

What is wrong with me?

YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!

You and I… we were born to die.

A year and a half, countless moons, endless sleepless nights, a sea of tears, a couple new fucks, a few failed lovers, a broken heart, a shattered soul, and yet still the love remains as if it should always be.

But it can’t rain forever. This too shall pass. Time heals all wounds.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking Bullshit.

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I miss you with every breath… I die with every memory.

changes chaos

I miss you.

I’ll spend forever missing you.

But I don’t feel the burning need to reach out to you and beg you over and over to show me you miss and think of me. I know now you don’t. You haven’t for a long, long time.

I no longer feel like I have to fight for US with everything in my being. My soul and I know now that there is nothing to fight for.

I got a tattoo today.

Of course it has a moon in it.

You live in my soul so you should be inked in my skin. Or at least I think you should and it’s my skin.

I put in my headset, turned on some Lana Del Rey and let myself feel every burn and sting of the needle as it inked you forever into me, while at the same time reminding me ‘that this too shall pass…’

I’ll forever wonder if you think about me.

I’ll always know the answer to that now is no.

Doesn’t mean that just because I know the hurt kills me any less…

I’m still going to always wonder how a love like ours could disappear. I don’t think I’ll ever find the answer.

I’ll never understand how after having my soul shattered and destroyed by you I still feel like if we ever found US again I’d fight just as hard as before.

I know that will never happen. I replay you looking at me and telling me how you’re in love with her over and over again.

I die every time.

Just because I don’t have the burning need to ‘constantly blow up your phone’ (pretty sure that is how you’re little friend put it) it doesn’t mean that the hurt of missing you is any less.

I wish that were the case.

But no. Not at all.

I’m still just as broken as ever.

I just get to be broken knowing that I’ve lost you forever.

I get to live knowing that you have found the soul mate and love, that you thought you’d found with me, with someone else already and that you never got to truly feel the loss of me and probably never will. (Talk about knife in the heart, you are never going to miss me the way I miss you. The hurt from the loss of me will never bring you to your knees in front of whoever happens to be there because the hurt is just too much to handle and the grief drops you and there’s nothing you can do.)

You never get to wonder if someone else is loving me to sleep because I’m yours forever, pathetic huh?

The ultimate pathetic admission… You’ve destroyed/defeated/devastated/lied/cheated/hurt/used/shattered/left me but I would spend eternity with you in a heartbeat…

I’m exhausted.

Pretending to feel is tiring. It was nice to feel something for a bit today during the tattoo. I was starting to think nothing could make me feel again.

I almost laughed today too. Almost.

Good night cold cruel world, I hate you..