skdfjowiernndleiowjhernds… that’s how I should start to title all of my posts.

taking back us

You may have finally told me that you didn’t love me anymore only 8 months ago but you have been gone for over a year really, almost a year and a half I think.

Do you think that I am any less sad? Does it hurt any less? Am I healed?


I don’t think I will ever be healed. I don’t understand that. I have tried just about everything to move on.

I have successfully pushed away any kind of relationship.

I have tried to fuck the hurt away.

I have shut myself out from everyone.

I deleted my Facebook.

But I can’t delete the pictures that have been burned into my soul of US. I can’t trash the memories that will forever haunt me of our love story.


Why am I holding on to hope for something that will never be?

What is wrong with me?


You and I… we were born to die.

A year and a half, countless moons, endless sleepless nights, a sea of tears, a couple new fucks, a few failed lovers, a broken heart, a shattered soul, and yet still the love remains as if it should always be.

But it can’t rain forever. This too shall pass. Time heals all wounds.

Bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking Bullshit.

If I listen close enough I swear I can still hear your voice… Soulaches.



I’m trying my hardest to not be weak.

I’m trying my hardest to not care.

I’m trying my hardest to breathe.

I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and I’m focusing only on my next step.

I’m sure this sounds stupid and pity to you, I doubt you could even relate to feeling like there is no meaning in this world, but for me this is the cold, hard truth.

I will make it through this. I will live. I always knew I would.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to have to learn how to live without fully feeling alive. But I have to.

I have to learn how to not let the hurt of missing you bring me to my knees.

I have to learn how to smile on the outside while masking the white hot burn I feel at my core from the loss of you.

I have to learn to not run to you when I’m hurt/sad/angry/happy/excited/nervous/sick.

I have to remind myself that I will survive.

I have to remind myself to breathe, literally.

I have to find strength in the fact that this is what you want and that you are happier without me.

I have to do all of these things, alone, all of the things that you promised I would never have to worry about have become my reality.

I am literally living half alive.

And it’s complete bullshit.

I shouldn’t have to. You are alive. You are walking this earth. No sick disease stole you from me.

You walked away on your own free will. Without looking back or thinking how it would affect me.

I can’t believe it.

I am struggling to accept that after YEARS of loving me, and convincing me to do the same, you would just walk away and leave me crumpled on the floor.

I keep going back to this not being real; that everything we ever had was fake or make believe. I can’t understand how, if what we had was real, you could just walk away. If the love that I felt from you was real there is no way that I could ever live without it; so how can you?

Since you walked away without looking back and are very much alive then…

It had to be fake…