I’m still here… Kinda.

feel so empty

 

I haven’t let myself post in a long time.

It’s been 8 days and 2 hours since I’ve heard/looked/talked/text you.

I’ve died a little bit more every second.

I’m trying my hardest to adjust to living without feeling.

I’m trying my best to not let myself completely spiral down the rabbit hole that seems like it’s always only a few steps behind me, chasing after me as fast as it can trying to snatch me when I least expect it.

But I’m aware of it.

I’m very aware of it.

It might not know it but I’m the one who has to constantly talk myself out of jumping in feet first and letting it take me the fuck out of here.

I can hardly believe that it has only been a week without you.

I can’t fucking believe that you have spent a week getting closer and being with her while I have spent a week picking myself up off the ground, running to throw up over and over again, not sleeping, can’t breathe, wanting to die.

But I’m sure you have had the best most relaxed week ever because I haven’t been there to ‘constantly blow your shit up’.

I honestly thought it would be so much harder to not contact you.

Not that it isn’t hard but it’s getting easier and easier to remind myself that you don’t care and that it doesn’t matter if I did reach out because, even though you said you would always be there for me, you wouldn’t answer even if I did call.

So instead… I wake up each day, after only a few hours of restless dreams where I seem to search for you over and over but can never find you, and put one foot in front of the other and remind myself to breathe and that you don’t care and that it’s ok because…

This too shall pass…

 

Insomnia writing… What 4am in my head looks like.

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I’m so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes open. Do you think that stopped your text messages from replaying over and over in my mind…

Yea, not at all.

Should I be mad that they last few times you have attempted to call you have been either angry or distant?

Am I mad that instead of telling me how you miss me you’re telling me how you’re horny and how I don’t miss you blah blah…?

Probably not.

I’m probably just trying to ignore the tickling in my belly from getting anything from you. I’m fighting the tingle that you, no matter why or for how long, were thinking of me enough too even message me at all.

It’s not getting easier btw. It’s getting harder the longer it is. It’s hurting more the longer I go without hearing you. Thoughts of you moving on and finding someone else cut through me like hot knives. Thinking of you making someone else feel the way you made me feel takes my breath away. Knowing you will find someone else and give them the love that was supposed to be mine hurts in a way nothing else has.

Let’s not get into that tonight tho. I think it’s slumber time here, as it is finally silent in my house.

At least for now..

Nighty night.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck… I’m going back to bed and hiding.

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As usual I have a shit ton to say. But I have decided that I don’t think I will be spending my time writing to you anymore.

It used to be therapeutic for me to sit down and let out my everything to you. But now it just seems like I am wasting all these amazing emotions on someone who is nothing more than a liar and cheat (I’m sure you would deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until you were blue in the face but I don’t really give a flying fuck about you anymore).

I’m going to try to spend my energy on something else entirely.

And it’s not going to be you. Or US.

And I guess you could say this is all your fault. I know that I am. But don’t worry. I take blame too.

I’m the fucking idiot who stuck around lie after lie to only be lied to again (:

Gee I’m glad I can see the humor in this. I may need to check back in and remind myself of how funny I find this. Especially when I’m having a moment of weakness.

I’m so mad I spent the time this am to find my dumb headset. I should have just fallen asleep and ignored the need to sleep with you. I could hardly keep my eyes open before I called.

After, well, let’s just say there was not much sleep for me.

You suck.

I hope you miss me.

I hope you hate you for losing me. I know I do…

You have found a way to ignite my soul again… And I love you always.

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Ok here goes attempt ‘I don’t know how many’ at writing. I don’t even know if I have the words for what has gone down the last few days.

UNBELIEVABLE

A M A Z I N G

IMPOSSIBLE  

I could find a few million more I’m sure but I don’t have the energy to do it right now. On top of all the craziness that we are going through right now, it seems that I have come down with some type of bug. I don’t know what it is. I’m drained I know that; in more ways than one. And I don’t really know how to process it. I have spent so much of the last few days wrapped in the love of US that I don’t really get a chance to process what has happened.

I don’t have the energy to write about what I am feeling. You continue to amaze me, damn near by the second, and I don’t know how much longer this will last. I’m hoping forever, I’m wishing for always, but of course I am expecting not much longer…

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry that you are showing me love like I have never experienced before and I am too fucked up and broken to fully accept it. I don’t ever want you to feel like I am not appreciative of your love or the way you are always so full of US… I am. I am sooo thankful to have found you. I am so grateful to have found someone on this planet that can ignite the passion, fire, desire, love, and touch my soul in a way I never thought possible.

It’s just that though.. I never thought a love like US was ever really a possibility. I was just kinda making through this life of mine with the fairytale of US lighting the way. I never thought it was REAL. I never thought that I would really be on the receiving end of a lover that wants nothing more than to make me feel e v e r y t h i n g in such intense ways.

I am so hoping I am wrong and you are right.

Talking to the Moon just came on and I had a sudden panic attack. That used to be our song. It used to be the theme song to US.

You ruined that.

I forgive you.

I always knew deep down that I would. I’m sure you did too. Because somehow you continue to fight and believe in the love of US..

But its the FORGETTING that is soooooo fucking hard!

I try to not let the scenes of you and her run through my head but they do, usually at the worst times possible, and I can’t stop them. It’s easier when you are there because when you are around you are so good at pushing them aside and quieting them. But as soon as you are gone the thoughts and craziness come screaming back.

Well, you are back from what you had to do and even though I am SURE I spent much of my last few posts talking about how much I was over you and would never let the love of US in again I was full of SHIT!!!

In your arms, wrapped in your love, reconnecting with your soul is where I want to spend forever.

To the Luna baby…

Rawr.

I don’t know who I am becoming… And I don’t know if I should embrace her or kill her.

I was going to write today. Well, write and POST today but I just can’t find it in me. I just want you to know that there is not a minute that goes by that I am not thinking of you. You fill almost my every thought.

Life is not my friend right now. She is throwing me some curve balls and I am trying my hardest to strike out. I am trying my hardest to keep my feet on this earth. I am reminding myself daily why it is that I need to still be here. I am finding a new me, and she scares me. She might scare you too.

Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean that I don’t love, miss, want, need y0u.

I miss you.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

I don’t really have words this morning, just happy smiles and tingly everything’s… Thank you. I love you.

Is it just me or is the sun shining brighter today? Am I the only one who feels like they are floating on the clouds? I feel like I have spent the morning with my feet barely touching the ground as I float from task to task with a smile on my face and a tingle in my… everywhere (:

I don’t even know what to say about last night, the early hours of morning, waking at dawn scared and looking for you, like I often do, but you were here so I was lulled back to sleep by the sounds of you sleeping and the warmth of your love; and I am positive I have no words for the wake up you gave me this morning.

You never cease to amaze me with your ability to love, to make love; if there have ever been any words spoken in this universe that I want to believe in they were whispered/moaned/groaned from the love produced from US last night. I truly found myself lost in a jumbled mess of US-ness and it was amazing.

I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know what I have done to deserve a love like yours but I only hope I am worthy of it. I hope I don’t lose it. I feel like we lost a part of US along the way but last night proved that there is nothing lost from US.

I know now what the true loss of US feels like and I will do any and everything for the rest of my days to not feel that agony again. And I think that last night you showed me that you feel the same. I love you. I heard every whispered word and felt every tender touch of yours. Thank you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. Please stay.

I felt US last night. I feel US right now. She is not letting me forget any detail of the last 14 hours and I am sooooo okay with that. Just writing the last few words have my breasts tingling and aching for your touch again. I am seriously having trouble fighting back the tingle. And the thought of having to wait at least 2 more hours is killing me, and that is if you don’t have to do something after work today, well something besides me…

I hope this feeling lasts. I hope the love of US is healing the parts of my soul that need it because I am definitely feeling US in ALL other parts today (:

I love you.

I miss you.

I can’t wait to be with you again. I will be waiting. In my panties. And maybe a pair of heels.

Please don’t make me wait long. I don’t know if I can….

I’m yours.

 

 

 

 

 

Shut up and take it like a good girl… Not the best way to start your morning. US would never start a morning this way.

My head hurts, my eyes are swollen, puffy, and achy, and I just want to fall back into your arms and let you love away the pain of life like you did last night. 

The early light of morning brought with it the cold reality that I wouldn’t be able to snuggle into the love US and hide forever. I had to face the day with my false smile and black sunglasses. I had to sit there and shut up and listen to and do what I was told. And it sucked. I hate it. I don’t know how much more of it I can take before I really do break.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for swooping in, wrapping your arms around me and kissing and loving away the sadness and hurt. I don’t care about anything as long as I have your arms and love to return to. I wish I could spend every night surrounded in your love.

Even though yesterday was a crappy day I slept knowing that you were right beside me, loving me, holding me, and never letting me go.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

I love you. I can feel the way you love me. I missed laying in your arms, hearts racing, amazing-ness tingling, feeling a love only US can.

I’m trying not to fight the happy. I’m trying not to fight the good that is tingling through me right now. I’m trying to let the sparkle that has awaken my soul wrap around me without fighting to break free from it. I want to believe that today was real. I want to believe that today wasn’t full of fake, that it wasn’t just your way of ‘shutting’ me up. I want to believe that you wanted needed today as much as I did.

When you are gone it is so hard to let US win the battle. It is so difficult to ignore the racing thoughts that fill the silence. It would help if I didn’t feel like it is a chore for you to spend time with me now. I hate that I feel like I make you spend time with me. I miss when US just was. When the only thing we had to work at was keeping the Amazing to a minimum because the butterflies and breath stealing was too much at times. What an idiot I was to not enjoy every second of Amazing that US shared. Why did I not just shut up and let the fingers wrap around me and swallow me with the tingle and sparkle that only US can produce?

Because I am a fool. Because the two little souls that own my world are worth more than my happiness, so I will stay here, half-happy, half-feeling, half-living, half-alive, with the saddest eyes and a smile only I could fake, without you.

I can only wish that you will be here with me, holding me, loving me, for always.

I love you.

Thank you for today. Thank you for last night. Thank you for not giving up on US. Thank you for making me feel a love like I have never before. Thank you for touching my soul.

I missed you. I hope you are here to stay.

I love you.

The Story of US looks a lot like a tragedy now.

I don’t even know what to say, of course. I never know what to say, even when I am speaking to you I find the words all jumbled or stuck and I am sick of it.

I’m sick of you too.

I’m sick of your bullshit and your excuses and sorry’s and all the other bullshit you spew. I don’t care what your excuse is this time. I don’t care if you set yourself on fire (again), lost your phone, didn’t have service, or whatever else you decide to try, I really don’t. I’m done. I don’t care to continue this charade with you any longer.

I get it. People change. Feelings change. I changed. You changed. US changed. I get it. But I am not afraid to admit it. I am not afraid to say that I have changed, my feelings have changed. You, well, you on the other, you have a problem admitting just about anything. You are very good at apologies, all I hear lately from you is ‘I’m sorry, I fucked up, it’s my entire fault, this is what I want, blah, fuckity blah, blah. I want US. I want you. YOU are all that I want.’ HA! I call bullshit. Again. If I could find anything funny right now I would find the few times that you gave the butterflies a stir and almost convinced me to drop my guard, a laugh right now. Of course, although I am not feeling much of anything right now what I AM feeling could not be categorized as good.  I hope that I can hold on this feeling right now. It’s not really a bad feeling. It’s a tolerable feeling for me. I’m upset, hurt, but also relieved. I’m relieved that you immediately did what you said you would not do again so soon. I’m relieved that I can start the process of healing and moving on. I can start finding Me.

If you were given weeks, months, or longer to try to pull my guard away and convince me that you were here to stay I’m positive you would have convinced me. You would have been able to wrap the love of US around me and get me lost in the Amazing and when the realization that this was all a fucking game to you was revealed all of this would have hurt a lot more.

Really?! Did you have to come back and try to convince me again that this love was real? That you were here to stay? That no matter how ridiculous I was being it didn’t matter because US was worth it, US was worth any and every feeling we ever felt, no matter how amazing or agonizing, was worth every tear and ache because it was REAL and it was not faked. How much more pissed would I be had I believed any of your bullshit for one second? I am so glad that the few times you were able to find a crack in the wall, that YOU helped build, I fought you. I am so glad I didn’t allow the fakeness of you through to spread all of your phony around and your false promises.

 

Am I overreacting again? Yea, probably, but I don’t really care because I don’t feel like I am overreacting. I feel like I am holding it together pretty well. I mean, I want to delete every part of you from my life right now. I want to delete you from FB, I want to block your number from calling, I want to delete every message we have shared, I want to text you and tell you to fuck off and never call me again, but that would be acknowledging to you that I am aware of the absence of you this weekend and I don’t want to give you that.

I don’t want you to know how it is tearing me up inside that we have gone another 48 plus hours with no answer, return call, or text, just NOTHING. I don’t want you to know that I lie awake at night and wonder what it is that I have done again to deserve this. I don’t want you to know that I every time I look at my cell and see no call or text that I feel the hurt in my soul.

I’ve turned my cell off. I am assuming that at some point within the next few days you will ‘need’ me again and try to call and patch up the damage you have done with your false promises and fake tears and I don’t want to hear it. I think that your actions have said more than any word you have spoken lately.

It may seem at times throughout this writing that I am mad or angry at you but I’m not. I’m disappointed that you didn’t let me go and start healing but instead tried to get a few more… you know what’s from me before you left to spend ANOTHER weekend US-less, but I am not mad. I don’t have feelings toward you, I pretty much feel nothing right now, at this second, that of course could change at ANY time, because that is how I roll, all crazy and all over the place (:

I’m sorry in advance for any ANGRY that comes from me during this time of healing. On second thought, no I’m not. I’m not sorry for ANY thing I feel during this time. I’m going to embrace each feeling and roll with it. I’m going to learn and take as much with me from this journey of US as I can.

I have no idea how to end this. I want to say I’m sorry, but not for anything just sorry that this is what US has become.

I miss US.

I don’t know much, but I know that I deserve, no I DEMAND, more than a quickie.

 

I am offended actually. I have thought of our time together as a lot of things but never once have I thought of US as a quickie. And for the fucking record, NO, NO I DO NOT WANT JUST A FUCKING QUICKIE ASSHOLE!! Do I really seem like the quickie-kinda girl? Wait, don’t answer that…

I remember when there was nothing quick when it came to US.

I remember when I could get lost in US, when everything seemed to stand still and the only thing that wasn’t was the rise and fall of our breathing. I know there was a day long ago that is burned into my memory. The funny thing about that day is that I can remember feeling amazing, I can describe to you silly little details about the emotions I was feeling but I don’t remember what the feeling FEELS like anymore. I have lost it, or blocked it out.  I can still feel the tears that were unstoppable and from somewhere deep in my soul. I can still remember the Tingle and thinking that I have never felt that way before. I can remember thinking I will never feel this again and I remember trying to soak up as much of US and the tingle I could so that it couldn’t fade away so easily. But I can’t feel the feeling.

There have been a few times you have almost broken through and have stolen my breath. I shut down almost immediately if you do. I can’t help it. I can’t breathe when I start to feel US again. My heart races, my tummy turns and not in the good butterfly way, my skins feels clammy, I feel like I am drowning almost and it scares the shit out of me. I can’t allow myself to feel the love of US anymore. It is only torture, a painful reminder of what I won’t ever have or feel again.

This started out tonight with me being pissed, shocking I know, but as soon as I started talking about US the memories and sadness took over. I am so good in the moment with turning my hurt to anger, I’m sorry. I miss you. I miss you and hurt soo much.

I miss US. I miss being ‘naked’ with you baby. I miss the way you touched, kissed, talked, and loved my SOUL.

I’m sorry.